Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18





03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Billy Joel

Girl 1.....Lindsay Lohan
Girl 2.....Amy Poehler
Girl 3.....Tina Fey
Girl 4.....Maya Rudolph
Billy Joel.....Horatio Sanz

(Opens with girls 2,3 and 4 getting in the backseat of a car, they hold exotic drinks, girl 1 jumps on the passenger seat)

Girl 2: Ha! It's this one you guys. It's right over here.

Girl 1: I cannot believe we're actually partying in the Hampton's!

Girl 4: This is so cool! How do you get some complete stranger to drive us over to Russel Simmons's party?

Girl 3: I know how she did it! (They all laugh)

Girl 2: You guys! It wasn't like that! It was the coolest. I saw this old guy sleeping on a table, I woke him up and he says he drives us wherever we want to go.

Girl 1: Well, I'm ready to party! Where is this guy?

(Billy Joel gets in the driver's seat and he's singing)

Billy Joel: Sing us a song you're the piano man, sing us a song tonight. (Stops singing) Hello ladies! I'll be your chauffeur tonight. Billy Joel's my name, driving's the game! You may also know some of my songs. "Piano man" "Uptown girl" "Still rock and roll to me" Nothing? (Girls nod their heads no) Ah, no biggy. Where are you off to ladies?

Girl 1: We're going to Russell Simmons's house. (They take off)

Billy Joel: Been there many times. I've pissed on that pool before if you know what I mean.

Girl 3: No. What do you mean?

Billy Joel: I went to the bathroom in the pool. I think I should warn you I'm an excellent driver.

Girl 3: You look really familiar.

Billy Joel: Yeah, I'm Billy Joel. (Sings) You had to be a big shot, didn't ya? Had to open up your mouth! (Stops singing) Nothing? Oh, well what the hell! We're in the Hamptons. I can drive these streets blind.

Girl 1: Oh my God! (Car swerves, tires screech)

Billy Joel: That was close! (sings) Almost gave me a heart attack ak-ak-ak-ak (stops singing) Hahaha! Oh, that's my song from "Movin out"

Girl 3: Now I know who you are! You're the guy that wrote that musical.

Girl 1: Oh yeah, my mom took my nana and my aunt to that.

Billy Joel: Interesting story. It's actually based on... (Billy completely turns around to talk to the girls on the backseat, girls scream)

Girl 1: Oh, my God!! (2 trash cans bounce from the hood of the car, Billy takes the wheel and laughs)

Billy Joel: Oh!, couple of trash cans on the street! Uh...what was I saying?

Girl 2: Pay attention to the road, mister!

Billy Joel: You don't need to worry about that. I'm an excellent captain. I also wrote this little diddy. (sings) Bottle of red, bottle of white... (stops singing and once again turns to the backseat) Actually I got a bottle in the backseat probably.

Girls-Watch out!! (Children's toys bounce and fly over the hood of the car)

Girl 1: What are you doing?

Girls: Mailbox! Mmailbox!

(Mailbox crashes into the car and it lands right in the middle of the windshield completely blocking the view. Amy is heard yelling "Oh my God!" and everyone is cracking up. Horatio gets halfway out of the car through the car window and pushes the mailbox off the car with a bottle. Much cheers and applause from the audience for the blooper)

Girl 1: You know...

Billy Joel: (sings with a bottle) Look at this.Bottle of pineapple Schnapps! Hells yeah! (takes a swig)

Girl 1: I could drive! I could drive! I could drive! I could drive!

Billy Joel: Don't even worry about it! These are my streets! I'm a Long Island boy! Shortcut!!!! (crash through a gate, wood shatters and flies all over the place, girls scream) (sings and pretends to play piano on the dashboard) Friday night I crashed your party, Saturday I said I'm sorry! (stops singing) Right, ladies?

Girls: DOG!!!

Billy Joel:Ahhh! (dog bounces off the hood, woof!) Don't worry, don't worry! He'll be all right. I've hit that dog before! All right, too much excitement! I'm gonna pass out for a few seconds. (Billy passes out, car swerves out of control)

Girl 2: What?!

Girl 4: Do something!!

Girl 2: Grab the wheel!!

Girl 1: I don't know what to do!

Girl 2: Wake up!, wake up!

(Billy wakes up)

Billy Joel: What?!, what?!, what?! (sings and dances) And we're living here in Allentown!! (stops singing) Hey!, who's driving this buggy?

Girl 3: You are mister! Please, stop!

Girl 1: I want to get out of this car right now!!

Billy Joel: (sings and pretends to play on the dashboard) I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, sinners are much more fun, only the good die young!! (stops singing) Woooo!!!!

Girl 1: You know what? You are scaring me mister!

Billy Joel: Don't I know it!

Girls: A brick wall!!!!Look out!!!

Billy Joel: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!

(They crash against the brick wall and pieces of it slam on the hood of the car, car stops)

Girl 2: Oh, my God! You could've killed us you creep!!

Girl 1: You should be in jail!!

Girl 4: YOU NEED HELP, BUSTER!!!!

Billy Joel: True. True enough. But I give you the estate of Mr. Russell Simmons's!

(The girls all change their tunes)

Girls: Oooohhh!

Girl 1: Hey, are you gonna come in?

Billy Joel: Oh, man! I haven't missed a party in the Hampton's in 20 years! Just point me towards the pool!

Girl 4: I wonder if there's gonna be a band there....

(They all get of the car towards the party)

(Cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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