Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18




03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

The Sleepover

Rick.....Heratio Sanz
Kaitlin.....Amy Phoeler
Becky Bacharach.....Lindsay Lohan

(Kaitlin enters living room where Rick is sitting on the couch watching TV)

Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! You gotta take it somewhere else! It’s my first sleepover Rick! I can’t have my step-dad hangin around.

Rick: I’m not going anywhere; it’s the Red Sox/Rangers game is on.

Kaitlin: Rick! Becky Bacharach is coming over. She’s the most popular girl in school, she’s coming over, cuz I told her that we had an indoor pool. I lied Rick! (In a singing tone) Cover for meeee! Cover for me Riiiiick!

Rick: Alright Kaitlin, I will.

Kaitlin: Good cuz me and Becky are gonna become best friends, and then, and then, we’re gonna live in an apartment and we’re both gonna work at the same movie theater, and we’re gonna sing (gets up and demonstrates) “Thank you for coming to Loews! Sit back and relax - enjoy the show!”

(Doorbell rings)

Kaitlin: (Kaitlin runs around the couch) Oh Rick she’s here! She’s here Rick! She’s here! She’s here! Rick, she’s here! She’s here! Rick, she’s here!

Rick: (Rick gets up to answer the door) Alright! Alright!

(Becky enters the house with her sleepover gear)

Becky: (Hands Rick a piece of paper) Here’s my mom’s cell phone number. Ok, I’m totally here now, but if this sleep over gets boring at any point, I’m leaving.

Kaitlin: Ok, Rick, this is Becky. Becky, this is my step-dad Rick. Becky, what do you want to do first? Talk, watch TV, tell secrets, fashion show?—

Becky: Let me stop you right there. I know this is your first sleepover, but I’ve been to like literally thousands of them, and the first thing we do is compare sleeping bags and tell secrets. So, I present to you…My sleeping bag! It’s from Shrek 3 and Shrek 2 isn’t even out yet.

Kaitlin: Oh my God Rick! A sleeping bag from the future! Where’s my sleeping bag Rick? Rick, Rick, Rick where’s my sleeping bag? Where’s my sleeping bag Rick?

Rick: (Takes knitted blanket from couch) It’s right here. It’s a super duper Afghan sleeping bag. It’s got ventilation holes there for you.

Kaitlin: Oh this is awesome, cuz you can wear it like this, or you can look through it like this, or you can spy on people like this, or you can put your hand through it like this, or you can wrap it around you like this and be like “La la la la la la la…”

Becky: I’m bored! Let’s tell secrets. I’ll start. Karen McCarthy has B.O.

Kaitlin: I’m afraid of thunder.

Becky: David Alexander wears lip gloss.

Kaitlin: I split my pants on the balance beam.

Becky: Paige Hatchet doesn’t have a TV in her house.

Kaitlin: I had lice once.

Becky: You’re not supposed to tell secrets about yourself stupid.

Kaitlin: Oh, I know, cuz, I got one. One time Rick, Rick’s on disability, cuz one time, he was on the roof and he was drunk, and he slid off the roof and he was like “Woah-oah-oah-oah!” Rick, remember that Rick how you said you were on disability but really you were lying?!

Rick: Alright Kaitlin, cool it.

Becky: I’m bored. Maybe I should call my mom.

Kaitlin: No! Wait! Music trivia! Music trivia! Who sings this? (Kaitlin gets up and dances while she sings) Amedus! Amedus! Amedus! Amedus!

(Becky mimics her in background)

Rick: Falco!

Kaitlin: (Poses with one leg up, elbow on knee and chin on fist) Rock me Amedus!

Becky: What song is this? (Sings while jumping up and down on the couch) Life style of the rich and the famous!...

Kaitlin: …Of the rich and the famous! Oh God I know that song, but I don’t know who sings it! Who sings it? What person or group Rick? (Sings) What person or group Rick, sings that song?! Rick Rick Rick! C’mon Rick!

Rick: I don’t know!

Becky: It’s Good Charlotte. They’re probably gonna sing at my birthday party, but we have to call my dad first.

Kaitlin: One time…Listen to this!...One time, on my birthday, I was at Wendy’s and I was eating, and I choked on a pickle and my whole life flashed before my eyes and I was like “I’ve never been to Disneyland; not yet Jesus.” And then I came to, and I barfed all over the Wendy’s and then they came out and the owner manager gave me a coupon for one free hamburger a year for life! Remember that Rick Rick Rick?!

Becky: Ok Kaitlin, I still might leave this sleepover, but I’ll stay if you know the answer to this question. (Pulls Kaitlin aside) Do you know how babies are made?

Kaitlin: Yes.

Becky: How are they made?

Kaitlin: You start.

Becky: Ok, you lay down, and the lights go out and then a boy pees on your bathing suit! Kaitlin, let’s go in your pool!

Kaitlin: Oh. My pool. Oh my pool…(Walks sideways over to Rick) Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick she wants to know about the pool.

Rick: Oh the pool’s closed for cleaning.

Becky: Well, can I see it? Where is it? It’s not in the basement is it?

Rick: Oh, you don’t need to see it. You know, it looks just like the one at your house, except MORE AWESOME.

Kaitlin: (Laughs in relief and whispers to Rick) Thank you Rick. Rick Rick Rick Rick! Awesome! It’s show time! Everybody get behind the couch! Let’s go! Rick introduce us!

Becky: Come on Rick!

Rick: It’s the Kaitlin and Becky Show.

Kaitlin: With special appearances by Raven Simone!

Becky: The Rock!

Kaitlin: Jamie Lynn Spears!

Becky: Denis Leary!

(Come from around the couch and bow and say thank you to the “audience”)

(Becky takes a beer and sings “Lifestyle of the Rich and the Famous” into it while Kaitlin takes two and sings “Amedus” into both)

Rick: Alright, put the beers back. (Takes beers from the girls) Put the beers back. Cool out. Alright, you guys have a good night. Be cool.

Both Girls: Rick Rick!

Rick: Alright, it’s almost lights out alright! Have fun!

Becky: Rick, Rick, Riiick!

Kaitlin: Thanks Rick!

Becky: Thanks Rick!

Kaitlin: Hey Becky, can I ask you a question? Have you really been to over a thousand sleepovers?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Is this your favorite one?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are you sleepy?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Are you falling asleep?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Are you still awake?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are you still having fun?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are your eyes closed?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Do you enjoy sleepovers?

Becky: Yes.

(Fades)


Submitted by: Mia Velarde


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