Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19




03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Scheinwald Pictures

Abe Scheinwald....Rachel Dratch
Brad Scheinwald....Seth Meyers
Night Terrors....Snopp Dogg

(Opens with the Scheinwald Pictures building. Cut to an office, Brad Scheinwald is a yuppie movie exec, heīs talking with a pimp-looking, gold chain-wearing black guy)

Night Terrors: What I like most about my screenplay "Booty Hotel", other than the fact that every room in the hotel has a different booty, is its heart. It has a lot of heart.

Brad Scheinwald: Iīm gonna be straight with you, Night Terrors -- "Booty Hotel" isnīt really our kind of movie.

Night Terrors: But every room in the hotel has a different kind of booty!

Brad Scheinwald: Yeah, you made that very clear. The thing is that Scheinwald Studios is trying to move into a new direction towards more intellectual material.

Night Terrors: You want intellectual? One room has, check it, librarian booty.

Brad Scheinwald: Right, yeah. Weīre still going to pass.

(Abe Scheinwald walks into the room eating potato salad and wearing a tuxedo. Heīs a short, balding, white haired man with big thick black eyeglasses. He also has a script in his hand.)

Abe Scheinwald: Who wants to make a picture?! (Brad groans) Kiddo! I just found our next moneymaker!! (throws script on the table) Someone left this script in the crapper. "Booty Hotel"! Itīs brilliant!! (sits)

Night Terrors: You read my script?

Abe Scheinwald: I read it twice. Nothing was moving down there.

Brad Scheinwald: Grandpa, this gentleman was just leaving.

Abe Scheinwald: No one leaves here unless I say so! (bangs fist into table) Iīm Abe Scheinwald! I was making movies while you were still swimming in your dadīs sac!

Brad Scheinwald: Okay, Grandpa.

Abe Scheinwald: Who are you?

Night Terrors: The name is Night Terrors.

Abe Scheinwald: Night Terrors? Farkatke name. Great script, but a farkatke name!

Night Terrors: I like you, weird old dude. Youīre like that old muppet that be hanging in the balcony criticizing people.

Abe Scheinwald: Pleasure to meet you. Iīm Abe Scheinwald and I make motion pictures. (shakes hands with Night Terrors, sits)

Brad Scheinwald: My grandpa retired from the biz 11 years ago, but still manages to pop in about 5 days a week, about 8 hours a day. I thought you had a doctorīs appointment.

Abe Scheinwald: Feh! What do I need from doctors? Turn your head and cough? No, thanks. I gave at the office. Night Terrors, Iīm ready to green light but I have one tiny problem with your script. Can I make a suggestion?

Night Terrors: Most definitely.

Abe Scheinwald: Your hotel is now a boat. "Booty Boat"! Why? More bikinis.

Brad Scheinwald: (disappointed) Great.

Night Terrors: That right there is brilliant. Because some of the bikini stuff did seem a bit shoehorned, but, you know, this movie ainīt just about big, juicy rear shelves. No, sir. It's about heart and big thick legs and bumpinīta-tas.

Brad Scheinwald: Pops, I thought Scheinwald Studios was now moving more toward Award-winning fare and, you know, get away from, you know, bumpinīta-tas.

Abe Scheinwald: Since when do you decide what interests us? (to Night Terrors) This one wanted me to make a movie about a kid at school who had magical powers. I said I liked it better the first time, when it was called "Teen Wolf"!

Brad Scheinwald: It was "Harry Potter". We passed on "Harry Potter".

(Abe gives a thumbs down and blows a few raspberries. Keeps eating potato salad)

Abe Scheinwald: Now, who do you see in the role of Party Ho Number Two?

Night Terrors: Well, thereīs only two choices. Halle Berry, or my sisterīs friend Dartrella. Sheīs always telling me to stop hanging around the nail shop. But I bet if I put her in a movie, sheīd drop all that attitude.

Abe Scheinwald: You know, the receptionist over at my foot doctorīs would make a good fit, too. She hasnīt got a lot of experience, but I bet she takes her top off for snail!

(Seth ad-libs, aware of Rachelīs word mistake)

Brad Scheinwald: For what?

Abe Scheinwald: (Rachel cracks up a little) Iīm sorry. For scale!

Brad Scheinwald: Just promise me -- yeah, I understand...

Abe Scheinwald: (Rachel ad-libs) It's the business! (eats potato salad)

Brad Scheinwald: Iīm in the business -- just promise me neither of you will never compromise, guys.

Abe Scheinwald: Now, okay. These robots -- would there be real robots, or actresses in costumes? Iīm leaning towards the latter.

Night Terrors: Yoī, then we got a problem because I wonīt compromise. This story is based on my life. They got to be real robots.

Abe Scheinwald: Ah, Night Terrors, you got to trust me. Iīve produced over 51 motion pictures! (pounds on table)

Brad Scheinwald: Just say 52.

Abe Scheinwald: Such as "Great American Panty Raid"!

Night Terrors: Oooh! Thatīs a good film.

Abe Scheinwald: "Bikini Hospital"!

Night Terrors: Classic.

Abe Scheinwald: "Escape To Nipple Island"!

Night Terrors: One of a kind!

Abe Scheinwald: "Escape From Nipple Island"!

Night Terrors: Oooh! Top shelf!

Abe Scheinwald: "Pardon Me Maīam: Youīre Stepping On My Ding-Dong"!

Night Terrors: You brought new life to a sagging franchise.

Abe Scheinwald: Not to mention some of the most beloved black-themed movies of the 70īs. Such as "Bride of Blackenstein"! "Whitey and Cinnamon: Attorneys At Law"!

Brad Scheinwald: Lawyers...

Abe Scheinwald: And "It Came From Outer Space And It was Black"!

Night Terrors: My people -- I tell you, my people owe you a debt of gratitude.

Abe Scheinwald: Now, are we on the same page?

Night Terrors: Mr. Scheinwald, I believe you and I are completely in tune. Clearly, you understand the power of double-D breasts. Because we both know that if you get a girl with double-Dīs, then you will double these. (takes out a dollar bill)

Abe Scheinwald: Double Dīs, double these... (looks at Brad for confirmation)

Brad Scheinwald: (defeated) Double Dīs, double these...

Abe Scheinwald: Ha, ha, ha! Finally, he comes around! I was losing hope with this one. He wanted me to make a movie about a scientist and his crazy experiments. I said, I liked it better the first time when it was called "The Nutty Professor"!

Brad Scheinwald: It was "A Beautiful Mind". We passed on "A Beautiful Mind".

Abe Scheinwald: Pfffffttt!! (gives a thumbs down)

Night Terrors: Mr. Scheinwald, this is a dream come true.

Abe Scheinwald: Ha-ha! Letīs make a picture! (shakes hands with Night Terrors)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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