Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20





03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey.....Jimmy Fallon
Costas Popakanstantis.....Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey, and here are tonight's top stories.

Pentagon officials said Friday the US military will no longer use certain prisoner interrogation techniques in Iraq following the Abugrab prison scandal. Among the banned tactics are sleep depravation, keeping prisoners in stressful positions, and of course ... free-styling.

In an interview, army private Lyndie England says that her superiors gave her specific instructions on how to pose in the pictures with the Iraqi prisoners. But who added the drugged-out, inbred Peppermint Patty look, that was all Lyndie, baby.

Jimmy Fallon: Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise trip to Iraq Thursday and said "if anybody thinks that I'm here to throw water on a fire, there wrong." So more bad news for the Iraqi prisoners on fire.

Colorado has passed a law that gives every high school student in the state $2,400 to attend a university. The governor said "it's my dream that every child has enough money to attend college for 8 days."

Tina Fey: As California's wildfire season got underway, a 4.5 earthquake hit Santa Barbara, California on Sunday. Said California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger "These earthquakes are fantastic! I promised you more action and excitement. We're got wildfires. Soon we're going to have a super-mega tornado, giant sinkholes, locusts are going to be there - we're going to make California the number one action state in the country!"

Jimmy Fallon: Locusts are going to be there. According to a new study on the best and worst cities for dating, the best city for dating is Austin, Texas. And the worst city for dating for the 7th year in a row, Date-rape-ville, Maine.

Tina Fey: More bad news out of Iraq as new pictures from Abugrad prison has surfaced. Take a look at these. [pisture of Star War soldiers holding up producers] What is going on over there??

Barbara Streisand will auction off more than 400 of her gowns and other items on June 5th. The auction will take place on E-gay.

Here with a review of the movie "Troy" is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much. Thank you Tina. I went to see "Troy" tonight, and it was awesome. Finally, an epic adventure for guys. It's a real guy movie. It's got action, great story, and then you see Brad Pitt and you go "oh..my..god." I could not take my eyes off of him. [gay voice] It's as if Michangelo's David gently laid its sling upon the ground, walked off his pedestal, and sat down next to me and said, "Hi, I'm Brad Pitt. Do you mind if we spend a couple hours together? I promise I won't eat all your popcorn."

Tina Fey: Jimmy, TV voice.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry. This is a movie every guy would love. The battle scenes are fantastic, there's hitting and punching [gay voice again] and slapping, I mean, thousands of sweaty Greek men, one behind the other, crotchless skirts and like --

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you got to pull it together - Were there any women in the movie?

Jimmy Fallon: Sure, there's gotta be, but the men [gay voice] were like fighting each other with the swords, the crossing swords. Swords hitting each other with the -

[Tina slaps Jimmy on the face]

Jimmy Fallon: Bitch!

Tina Fey: Wrap it up, alright. Wrap it up.

Jimmy Fallon: [normal voice] Okay. Go see "Troy," it will turn every man into a huge Homer -

Tina Fey: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: - fan. Homer fan.

Tina Fey: Thank you, it was a very good review.

After viewing more photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse at the Pentagon Tuesday, President Bush again defended Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, saying "You are doing a superb job. Our nation owes you a debt of gratitude." And this time even Rumsfeld was like "You're screwing with me, right?"

The publisher of Bill Clinton's upcoming memoirs revealed Tuesday that the book is expected to be 900 pages long - and rock hard.

Jimmy Fallon: Officials in China said Monday that a con man took advantage of his resemblance to a famous historical figure to dupe patriotic old people out of their money. Thus proving that even to Chinese people, Chinese people look alike.

Tina Fey: It was reported that the CIA has used a secret set of rules for the interrogation of high-level Al Queda detainees --

Jimmy Fallon: Secret rule number one, there is no fight club.

[Jimmy punches Tina on the face]

Tina Fey: Aw, Jimmy, that might be that last time you hit me.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, it's kind of sad. How about one more for old times sake.

Tina Fey: I'd like that.

[Jimmy prepares to punch Tina, but Tina throws a fast punch at Jimmy in the face]

Tina Fey: Ha! Idiot!

Madonna has gone to court to court in an attempt to stop hikers from walking across her property in England. She should try playing Madonna music, that would keeps people away.

Jimmy Fallon: With the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Athens summer Olympics less than 100 days away, major sections of the Olympics facilities have yet to be completed. Here to talk about the progress of the construction is Olympic supervising contractor, Costas Popakanstantis.

Costas Popakanstantis: Hello Jimmy. Tina. [speaks Greek] Its so good to be here.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. Well it sounds like there's still a lot of work to do. From what I heard, you only put half of the roof on the Olympic Stadium.

Costas Popakanstantis: What? Relax Jimmy. Endaxi, endaxi. Okay! The games don't start for like six months.

Jimmy Fallon: Three months actually.

Costas Popakanstantis: Three months? [surprised] Jimmy! [acts worried] All right, here.

Jimmy Fallon: What is this?

[holds up model of Olympic Stadium]

Costas Popakanstantis: I brought this model of Olympic Stadium, to show everybody that it's ok. Its cool like menthol cigarettes, my man.

Jimmy Fallon: It looks great. That looks great, there. So its almost finished?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well you know, I thought I'd re-glue this section right here. Maybe put some little dudes in here, "Hey im running around!" You know ...

Jimmy Fallon: I'm not talking about this model, I'm talking about the actual thing in Greece. The stadium?

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, there's nothing like this in Greece, friend. I'm telling you right now. If there was, my job would be a lot easier.

Jimmy Fallon: All right, well I like this tower here. That's nice.

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, that's -- that's my coffee cup. It's not part of the deal. Sorry about that.

Jimmy Fallon: You put it on your model?

Costas Popakanstantis: Where am I gonna put it? On my head? I'm gonna go talk about this. You know.

Jimmy Fallon: Don't set your head on fire, Costas. Umm.. So how much IS done?

Costas Popakanstantis: Uh, I'll show you. Umm. Pretty much ...well this isn't done. [starts tearing off parts of the model] These two roof pieces aren't done. This is ... no this isn't done either. There's too many bushes here. This part's gone. Here. [he leaves a pole from the side of the model] We got this up.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow.

Costas Popakanstantis: Yeah ... wow. Pretty nice, right? You can fly through there, you can run up here. One, two, three, who's there? Hiding over there in the bush!

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Silver medal!

[both laughing hysterically]

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Come on, take it easy. Get your panties out of your butt crack!

Jimmy Fallon: Excuse me?!

Costas Popakanstantis: We got plans. We got all these plans, okay. We got backup plans.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, let me get my panties out of my butt crack! Yeah. I'll put it in your coffee. Anyways...

Costas Popakanstantis: You know what, between you and me, I don't like your 'tude bro-bro.

Jimmy Fallon: I didn't say anything!

Costas Popakanstantis: Okay look. Maybe they could change some of the events, you know. To correspond with our situation. You know, get rid of some of the old events. Add some new ones.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, so you want some new events?

Costas Popakanstantis: Yes.

Jimmy Fallon: Like what?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well, just off the top of my head, stadium construction.

Jimmy Fallon: They're, uh - They're not going to do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: Jimmy, listen to me, okay bro. I don't want to go back there, my bro. It's rough over there, okay. I can stay here right?

Jimmy Fallon: Where?

Costas Popakanstantis: Here ... in the studio.

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Costas Popakanstantis: I can sleep underneath here.

Jimmy Fallon: No. You can't do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: I'm a funny guy, I'm Greek! I know how they do it here. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.0

Jimmy Fallon: No, They don't do that anymore.

Costas Popakanstantis: You like-a the juice?

Jimmy Fallon: The juice is good, Costas Popakanstantis, everybody.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I'm Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: Come Here. [motions camera to close up on him] I'm Jimmy Fallon. Might as well say thanks. This is my last show. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[The pencil that Jimmy throws at the end of every Update, he places it in his coat pocket]

[fade out]


Submitted by: Chris Fuentes


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