Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1





04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Debbie Downer

Debbie Downer.....Rachel Dratch
Ronnie.....Ben Affleck
Ronnie's Wife.....Maya Rudolph
Ronnie's Uncle.....Horatio Sanz
Friend #1.....Amy Poehler
Friend #2.....Fred Armisen

(Scene first shows the door to a house. Cut to a living room, with people seated around a birthday cake. A banner in the background says "Happy 35th Ronnie!")

All: Happy birthday to you!

Friend #1: Make a wish!

(Ronnie blows out the candles; everyone claps and yells "Yay!")

Friend #2: What'd you wish for?

Ronnie: Can't tell ya; it won't come true!

Ronnie's Wife: Oh, I bet he wished for that new Mustang GT he wants!

Ronnie's Uncle: Yeah, he should have wished for a better golf score. Who said that? (everyone laughs)

Debbie Downer: If I had a wish, I'd wish they'd release the British hostage in Iraq.

(wah wahhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie's pained demeanor)

Jingle:
"You're enjoying your day
Everything's going your way
Then along comes Debbie Downer
Always there to tell you 'bout a new disease
A car accident or killer bees
You'll beg her to spare you
Debbie, please!
But you can't stop Debbie Downer!"

Friend #2: Oh! I want some cake!

Ronnie's Wife: (hands friend cake) Oh, yeah, honey, give me a rose!

Ronnie: All right, here's a big one. Here you go. Guys, I wanna say something. It really means the world to me that you all showed up here on my birthday...my family. *gestures to uncle* Uncle Frank, especially you, all the way from North Carolina. Thank you.

Debbie: (nods) Good thing Jeanne's out of the picture.

Friend #1: Jeanne? Who's Jeanne?

Debbie: Hurricane Jeanne. The latest in a string of deadly storms that left thousands of Floridians homeless. They're still counting the fatalities in Haiti.

(wah wahhhhhhhh; camera zooms in on a particularly constipated Debbie face)

Ronnie's Wife: Um...you know what? Maybe Ronnie should open his presents. (cheers from the other guests)

Friend #2: Yeah, open your presents!

Ronnie: Come on, twist my arm! I'll do it.

Debbie: First it was Cha--

Friend #1: All right!

Debbie: First it was Charley...

(wah wah)

Debbie: Then Frances.

(wah wah)

Debbie: Ivan.

(wah wah)

Debbie: And Jeanne.

(wah wah)

Debbie: Who knows what Tropical Storm Karl's got in store?

(wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in even further on Debbie's face)

(pained expressions by other partygoers)

Friend #1: Okay! Why don't you open mine first?

Ronnie: All-righty. Here we go. All right. (tears wrapping paper) Let's see what we got here....Hey! The Essential Movie Guide! Thank you. I love it.

Debbie: Oh...I haven't been able to read a movie review since the untimely passing of Gene Siskel.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie again)

(Ronnie rests his face on one fist; his wife looks angry. Awkwardly, Uncle Frank reaches for his gift: a fishing rod)

Ronnie: Hey! What have we got here?

Ronnie's Uncle: It's mine, there, Ronnie.

Ronnie: All right. (shakes rod) Well...what could it be? (laughs) This is great! A fishing rod...thank you so much.

Ronnie's Uncle: We gotta go fishing sometime, buddy.

Ronnie: You know...we should go Saturday!

Ronnie's Wife: Oh, that sounds fun!

Ronnie: Wouldn't that be fun?

Ronnie's Uncle: Done deal.

(Ronnie and his uncle high-five)

Debbie: Hey, hey, hey, count me out, guys. Doctor said if I don't cut down on my consumption of fresh fish, my mercury level will reach toxic proportions.

(wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie making an "unsure" facial expression)

Friend #2: Hey, Teresa, what'd you get your sweetie for his birthday?

Ronnie's Wife: We are going on a ten-day safari to Kenya!

Ronnie: Yeah. It's gonna be incredible.

Ronnie's Wife: Yeah!

Debbie: Steer clear of The Sudan. It makes Fallujah look like Club Med.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie's worried facial expression)

Ronnie: We're not going anywhere near The Sudan, Debbie.

Ronnie's Wife: Yeah. We're going to see elephants in their natural habitat.

Debbie: Well, that's cool. See 'em now...populations are dwindling.

(elephant wah wah sound; zoom in on Debbie)

Friend #2: Well, it sounds amazing!

Ronnie's Uncle: Yeah, once in a lifetime.

Ronnie: Yeah, I'm excited.

Ronnie's Wife: Yeah.

Debbie: Hey, does anyone have a banana?

Friend #1: What?

Debbie: Well, if I don't get enough potassium every day, I awaken in the middle of the night by crippling leg cramps.

(higher-pitched wah wahhhhhhh; zoom in)

(everyone looks pissed off)

Debbie: By the way, it's official -- they've located my birth mother. Deceased.

(deeper wah wahhhhhhhh; zoom in on a particularly painful facial expression)

Ronnie: All right, you know what, Debbie? You are totally ruining my birthday party. I completely held my tongue during cocktails when you showed us the pictures from the Holocaust Museum...I didn't say word one (slip-up) during dinner when you went on and on about feline AIDS.

Debbie: (shakes finger) It's the number one killer of domestic cats.

(meow meowwwwwwwwww; zoom in)

Ronnie: (stands up) Ugh...I gotta get a drink.

Ronnie's Wife: Honey, no! The party's just starting. We are taking you dancing.

Friend #1: Yeah, let's go! *everyone jumps up*

Debbie: Yeah! Yeah! All right, guys, but I can't stay long; I got a big day tomorrow. The Orkin Man's coming first thing to scrape out the remains of whatever died in my chimney.

(wah wah wah wah wahhhhhhhhhhh; zoom in on Debbie's half-grin)

(end title card)

Jingle: "No, you can't stop Debbie Downer!" (wahhh wah)

Debbie: "Bird flu's even deadlier than SARS."


Submitted by: Mike Halterman


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