Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1






04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Swift Boat Veterans For Truth

Larry Thurlow.....Chris Parnell
Ken Gardner.....Darrell Hammond
Steve Cordier.....Horatio Sanz
George O'Dell.....Fred Armsien
Adrian Letson.....Will Forte

[ open on post-debate commentary, pro-Kerry, from fellow politicians ]

Joe Biden: And tonight, John Kerry showed his mastery of the world --

John McCain: I think he came across as somebody who had a very good grasp of the issues. He understands Korea, he understands Iran --

[ SUPER: "But what about domestic issues?" ]

[ SUPER: "Listen to those who served with him" ]

[ dissolve to Larry Thurlow, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry's past military service ]

[ SUPER: "Larry Thurlow
Lieutenant J.G.
Bronze Star" ]

Larry Thurlow: We were on a routine patrol outside Don Huong, when we started taking sniper fire. Three of us were pinned down. It was pretty bad. That's when John Kerry turned to me, and said, "You know, I don't think Americans pay enoupgh taxes." I said, "Lieutenant, but what about the snipers?" He said, "I think I'd tax them, too."

[ dissolve to Ken Gardner, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry's past military service ]

[ SUPER: "Ken Gardner
Foregunner, PGF-44
John Kerry's boat" ]

Ken Gardner: When Kerry noticed the swift boat had a gasoline engine, he blew a gasket. Kept going on about our dependence on foreign oil. That's when he threw the whole engine overboard, and ordered us to complete the mission on windpower. Then, of course, he flip-flopped, and made us put the tank back in.

[ dissolve to Steve Cordier, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry's past military service ]

[ SUPER: "Steve Cordier
Builds models of boats like theo ne Kerry served on" ]

Steve Cordier: We happened upon two Viet Cong soldiers, and.. everyone thought it was an ambush. John Kerry jumped off the boat and chased after them. Within minutes, he returned to the boat with the soldiers and said, "These men are in love." And he conducted a gay marriage ceremony. To honor, obey, and love you long time. It made us all sick.

[ dissolve to George O'Dell, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry's past military service ]

[ SUPER: "George O'Dell
Travel Agent
Has booked trips to Vietnam" ]

George O'Dell: We were being attacked outside of Da Nang, and Kerry ordered us not to shoot the enemy because he was against the death penalty. He made us build a jail out of bamboo, where the Viet Cong would get life imprisonment and federally-funded health care.

[ dissolve to Ken Gardner, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry's past military service ]

[ SUPER: "Ken Gardner
Foregunner, PGF-44
John Kerry's boat" ]

Ken Gardner: -- then he flip-flopped, and turned the jail into a gentlemen's club. Then back into a jail. We never knew where he stood.

[ dissolve to Adrian Letson, speaking in front of doctored photos from John Kerry's past military service ]

[ SUPER: "Adrian Letson
Saw "Platoon" " ]

Adrian Letson: Kerry wouldn't eat Army rations. He insisted on fancy French food and wine. Then he fell in love with a young Vietnamese girl who had invented some sort of rice and tomato sauce concoction called "cat-sup." Marrying the enemy was a real slap in the face. Pretty soon, she was giving orders to all of us, especially Lt. Kerry.

[ dissolve to SUPER: "Paid For By Swift Boat Veterans For Truth and A rich Texas Dude. Not Authorized By any Candidate, Especially Bush. We Haven't Even Talked to Bush. We Bet He Hates These." ]

Announcer: Paid for by Swift Boat Veterans For Truth.

[ dissolve to Adobe Photoshop logo ]

Second Announcer: And Adobe Photoshop. Adobe. When you want the truth, real bad.


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