Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 1









04a: Ben Affleck / Nelly

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

......Tina Fey
......Amy Poehler
New Jersey resident......James Gandolfini
......Ben Affleck
Elton John......Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update," with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Hello, I'm Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey, and here are tonight's top stories:

President Bush and Senator John Kerry's first Presidential debate was held this past Thursday, and while neither candidate delivered a knock-out punch, polls indicate John Kerry was the winner, though President Bush later complained it was 'cause he couldn't get his buzzer to work!

Amy Poehler: Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper, saying, "I have one position on Iraq. I'm for-gainst it."

Tina Fey: Senator Kerry-- [cracks up]

Amy Poehler: That was my first joke!

Tina Fey: Your first joke! Yeah! [supportive cheers and applause] Ahh...

Senator Kerry attacked President Bush's foreign policy strategy, saying that if he were elected, he would expand the international coalition fighting in Iraq. And, sure enough, Friday morning Kerry did receive a call from French President Jacques Chirac, saying [in French accent] "We are, uh, how do you say, uh, not coming."

Now to be fair, the only reason many debate analysts felt that Senator Kerry outperformed President Bush is because as the debate wore on, Bush got sleepy and stopped using words.

[video of President Bush during the debate, responding, "I, uh--" followed by a long pause]

Amy Poehler: While many consider the President's performance underwhelming, he did still manage to win the prestigious Norman Fell Camera Take Award.

[split-screen shot of Norman Fell and President Bush both doing similar camera takes; some applause]

Tina Fey: Ahh, Norman Fell. God bless him.

[picture of First Lady Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry at the debate, both wearing white blouses]
The debate ended with a moment of bipartisan levity when Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry dressed up like nurses and made out with each other.

Amy Poehler: One of the big stories that we missed this summer was New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey's annoucement that he is gay, and that he will resign amid gay-related scandal involving Golan Cipel, an Israeli former staffer.

Tina Fey: To ge the local perspective on the issue, Weekend Update would now like to present an editorial from this New Jersey resident.

[New Jersey resident enters and remains standing, to huge cheers and applause]

New Jersey resident: How ya doin'?

[SUPER: "NEW JERSEY RESIDENT"]

Well, uh, first of all I'd like to thank you for letting me be here, and that's a little token of my appreciation. [gives a large box to Tina]

Tina Fey: Wow, uh-- a DVD player! Thank you!

New Jersey resident: It's a Sanyo, it's a good one.

Tina Fey: Thank you.

Amy Poehler: Nice.

New Jersey resident: [motioning to Amy] And if I knew you were gonna be here, I woulda brought one for you too, sweetheart.

Amy Poehler: Aww-- that's OK, I'm good.

New Jersey resident: Yeah, you are.

Amy Poehler: [shakes her head] So, would you- would you like to sit down?

New Jersey resident: No, no, I'm gonna stand, in case I-- I wanna leave.

Tina Fey: OK, so uh-- so, uh, your editorial about Jim McGreevey.

New Jersey resident: Yeah, yeah, I'm getting to it. [clears his throat]

Look, I didn't want to talk about this McGreevey stuff, but I- I can't keep my mouth shut anymore. I mean, so the guy's a fanook. Big deal. He had an affair. Every married guy's got some action on the side. In this case, in the behind.

But instead of just paying the guy's rent and bangin' him in the penguin house of the zoo, McGreevey puts his guy on the payroll.

Tina Fey: And, I think, uh, part--

New Jersey resident: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't interrupt me when I'm talking.

Tina Fey: Sorry.

New Jersey resident: As I was saying, you never mix business with pleasure. Unless that business is prostitution.

Tina Fey: Well, people also feel that Golan Cipel--

New Jersey resident: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on. You got a nice face.

Tina Fey: I- Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.

New Jersey resident: Well, use your head. [delayed laughter; some applause]

Any- anyway, I- I support the guy, but he makes a big mistake. Not only did he put his boyfriend on the payroll, he put him in charge of homeland security. And everybody knows the \i big\i0 guys handle security, and the Jews watch the money.

Tina Fey: [surprised] OK, let's not stereotype people, it's not gonna--

New Jersey resident: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't know you were one of the, uh, chosen people.

Tina Fey: I'm not, but you can't say stuff like that!

New Jersey resident: I just did.

Anyway, I said what I had to say, and, uh, it was very nice meeting you [motioning to Amy], and the mouthy one [motioning to Tina] I'm not so sure.

[New Jersey resident exits to cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: An unif- An unidentified New Jersey resident!

That is- That is the scariest man I have ever been attracted to.

According to reports, Britney Spears has told family and close friends that she and her new jusband Kevin Federline are expecting their first child. So far, no word on whether it will be a pimp or a ho.

Amy Poehler: This week, Donald Trump introduced a new twelve-inch doll of himself that speaks seventeen different phrases, which is amazing, as that's five more than the real Donald Trump.

Not included in those phrases, [imitating Donald Trump] "I have a great deal of dignity."

A Pakistani man who convinced his infertile wife to have an operation so they could have children, was arrested after he got the doctors to cut out one of her kidneys instead, so he could sell it, and then divorce her. Ugh, that's just rude.

Tina Fey: Aw, you know, tell me about it. That is what Jimmy did to me. I thought he loved me-- it turns out, he was just trying to steal my kidney!

Amy Poehler: Oh my God. I'm sorry to hear that, Tina.

Tina Fey: No, it's fine. I'm over it. I mean, I act- I think this is gonna work out really well between me and you, 'cause it's, it's like good energy, it's- it's gonna be kinda cool, like that movie "Monster."

Amy Poehler: Yeah?

Tina Fey: Yeah, you saw that movie "Monster," right?

Amy Poehler: Yeah. Are you- are you gonna kill me?

Tina Fey: [laughs] No! I'm gonna kill other people, and you're gonna be my girlfriend.

Amy Poehler: [laughs] Cool! [some applause]

Tina Fey: This week, Norway became the World Oyster Opening Champions. This was a stunning upset for last year's Oyster Opening Champion: Colin Farrell.

Dirty.

Amy Poehler: Ooh, dirty, dirty.

In a recent interview, Matt Damon criticized Hollywood actors who only take roles in potential blockbusters, because he believes that stardom is irrelevant, and that it's important to only choose interesting roles. Here with a response to these statements: a Hollywood actor.

[pan to Ben Affleck; applause]

Ben Affleck: Listen, bro. We all know who you're talking about, OK? Not a big secret, you know. Been kind of a mainstream year for me, OK? Stop rubbing it in, alright? I get halfway through watching "Paycheck," I went to ask the theater manager for my money back, and then I remembered I was in it. Alright? I got you.

And I know you're not into stardom, but, uh... help me out here. [clears his throat] I can't seem to recall which Chekov play "The Bourne Supremacy" is based on. And I'm sure they'll be studying "Ocean's 12" in the film classes at USC, believe me, because "Ocean's 11" left so many unanswered questions. Hey, wait 'til you lose your mind, and make two movies in a row with \i your\i0 girlfriend, alright? [applause] And make two movies with Winona Ryder, I know, it's just the-- by the way, Street Cred, how's Clooney's yacht treating you? Is there a phone on that thing? I've been trying to call you for, like, three wieeks about this Project Greenlight mess. And another thing, uh...if the Red Sox lose, it's your- it's your fault because you moved to New York, you filthy traitor!

Amy Poehler: Ben Affleck, everyone! [applause] Hollywood actor! Hollywood actor.

Tina Fey: The Scottish scientists who stunned the world by cloning Dolly the sheep announced this week they plan to clone human embryos in a bid to cure Lou Gehrig's Disease. Although so far, all they've succeeded in doing is creating sheep with Lou Gehrig's Disease.

Amy Poehler: A small Spanish fishing boat this week hauled up 22 bales of hashish.

Tina Fey: [pointing to Amy's cue card] No, no, wait, Amy, that says 23 bales of hash-

Amy Poehler: Ut tut tut-- [quieting Tina] Be quiet, and meet me after the show. [pause] That's what I'm talking about. I got hashish at my house!

Tina Fey: [chuckling] The first prescription treatment to boost a woman's sex drive could be approved for use in the U.S. by next year. Until then, fake it 'til you make it, ladies.

[cut to promotional graphic]

Don Pardo V/O: Fake it 'til you make it, brought to you by Astroglide.

[cut back to the Weekend Update set]

Tina Fey: Last week, Elton John swore at reporters in Taiwan who mobbed him at the airport, calling them "rude, vile pigs." Here to explain his actions is our old friend, Sir Elton John.

[pan to Elton John; applause]

[SUPER: "SIR ELTON JOHN"]

Elton John: Hello Tina. [looking around] Where's my Jimmy boy?

Tina Fey: Ah- well, he's gone, uh, Amy's here now.

Elton John: [to Amy] You're not really my cup of tea, dear. If you know what I mean.

Amy Poehler: 'Cause you're super-humanly gay?

Elton John: Yes.

Tina Fey: Uh, so it sounds like you had a pretty bad time in Taiwan.

Elton John: Tina, I'm sick about the whole situation. And, other lady--

Amy Poehler: My name's Amy, actually.

Elton John: Rhonda, you know I've always expressed myself best via music. This song is my gesture of forgiveness.

[Elton John presses the keys on the keyboard and sings to the tune of "Your Song"]

"And you can tell everybody I love Taiwan
It may seem like a bunch of bull now that I'm gone
I hope you don't mind that I was not kind
To those little vile pigs
How wonderful it would be
If they were all shot through the neck with a crossbow."

Tina Fey: Wow. Yeesh!

Amy Poehler: It sounds like you have not forgiven anyone, Elton John!

Elton John: Well, Not Jimmy, they were rude. And I'm sorry, Tina, and the other girl, but the bottom line is-- I was homesick. Haven't you ever missed someone you loved?

Tina Fey: Yeah, well--

Amy Poehler: Sure.

Tina Fey: Yeah, of course, Elton, yeah.

Elton John: [singing to the tune of "Rocket Man"]
"I miss L.A. so much, I miss my guy
It's lonely on the road
And there's no one there to love you
When you're away from home."

Amy Poehler: Aww, that's nice.

Elton John:
"But I think it's gonna be a long, long time
Before I ever see Taiwan again
The people suck and the food smells weird
I hate Taiwan
And I hate China too
Also Korea, Japan and Singapore"

Tina Fey: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute! You hate all of Asia? You hate all of Asia.

Elton John:Sincerely, Tina.

Tina Fey: Alright, get out!

Elton John: And I'm not very fond of South Americans, either.

Amy Poehler: Get out of here, Elton John!

For Weekend Update, I'm Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Elton John continues to bang on the piano keys as Tina an Amy hug; cheers and applause, fade]


Submitted by: Mike Arroyo


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