Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 9th, 2004

Queen Latifah

Queen Latifah

None

Chris Kattan

John Lutz

Paula Pell

Decision '04: The Presidential Debates
Summary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) conduct their most recent debate at a town hall forum.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, John Kerry.


Montage


Queen Latifah's Monologue
Summary: Queen Latifah conducts a jazz performance with The Scat Cats (Horatio Sanz, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Will Forte).

First Hosted: 02n.


Short & Curly
Summary: The shampoo men use to keep their pubic hairs clean and shiny.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from last week's dress rehearsal.

Transcript


The Prince Show
Summary: Eccentric Prince (Fred Armisen) welcomes Patti LaBelle (Queen Latifah) as his guest, then makes her sit on a horse.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Sharon Stone.


Excedrin
Summary: Excedrin helps black office secretary, Linda (Queen Latifah), get rid of stress caused by racial tension headaches.

Transcript


Decision 2004: The Vice-Presidential Debate
Summary: Gwen Ifill (Queen Latifah) moderates debate between Vice-Presidential nominees Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) and John Kerry (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, John Edwards.


Queen Latifah performs "The Same Love That Made Me Laugh"


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Live, via satellite, Martha Stewart (Rachel Dratch) reports that she's enjoying life in prison; she even has a cellmate named Kenyatta Williams (Queen Latifah), who adores her. Finesse Mitchell comments that he's against young black mothers giving their babies weird names.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript


The Recruits
Summary: Representatives from the NBA (Rob Riggle) and a respectable college (Seth Meyers) compete while courting a young basketball player (Finesse Mitchell).

Note: This sketch was cut from last week's dress rehearsal.


TV Funhouse
Summary: The X-Presidents battle President George W. Bush with a little help from Ron Reagan, Jr. and the X X-Presidents.

Note: This cartoon parody was cut from last week's dress rehearsal.


Dangerfield Tribute
Summary: Rodney Dangerfield (Darrell Hammond) performs stand-up one last time at St. Peter's (Horatio Sanz) request.

Recurring Characters: Rodney Dangerfield, St. Peter.

Note: Rodney Dangerfield hosted SNL on 03/08/80.

Transcript


Vote Or Die!
Summary: Starkeesha (Finesse Mitchell) and her friends canvas votes in their neighborhood.

Recurring Characters: Starkeesha, Appreciante.


Queen Latifah performs "Hard Times"


Zinger vs. Snap
Summary: Nuclear physicists Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and Sheila "Snaps" Alsnape (Queen Latifah) compete via verbal wordplay.

Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Dyson Toilets
Summary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli.

Note: This commercial parody will air on the episode hosted by Jude Law.


Mexican Fiesta
Summary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.


The Oak Room
Summary: Alcoholic Miss Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) experiences pratfalls while performing awkwardly onstage.

Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Tom Brady.


Kaitlin
Summary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites another friend (Queen Latifah) over for a sleepover.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.


Wheelchair
Summary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) in a wheelchair feels sorry for himself.


Starting Over
Summary: Daytime talks show spoof.


Rooftop
Summary: Rooftop jumper (Fred Armisen) threatens to kill himself unless people start being nice to him; then he sings to thank them for their kindness.



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