Saturday Night Live Transcripts
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Season 30: Episode 2
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 Air Date:
Host:
Musical Guest:
Special Guests:
Cameos:
Bit Players:
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October 9th, 2004
Queen Latifah
Queen Latifah
None
Chris Kattan
John Lutz
Paula Pell
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Decision '04: The Presidential Debates
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Summary: President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) conduct their most recent debate at a town hall forum.
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, John Kerry.
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Queen Latifah's Monologue
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Summary: Queen Latifah conducts a jazz performance with The Scat Cats (Horatio Sanz, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Will Forte).
First Hosted: 02n.
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Short & Curly
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Summary: The shampoo men use to keep their pubic hairs clean and shiny.
Note: This commercial parody was cut from last week's dress rehearsal.
Transcript
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The Prince Show
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Summary: Eccentric Prince (Fred Armisen) welcomes Patti LaBelle (Queen Latifah) as his guest, then makes her sit on a horse.
Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Sharon Stone.
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Excedrin
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Summary: Excedrin helps black office secretary, Linda (Queen Latifah), get rid of stress caused by racial tension headaches.
Transcript
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Decision 2004: The Vice-Presidential Debate
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Summary: Gwen Ifill (Queen Latifah) moderates debate between Vice-Presidential nominees Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) and John Kerry (Will Forte).
Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney, John Edwards.
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Queen Latifah performs "The Same Love That Made Me Laugh"
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Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
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Summary: Live, via satellite, Martha Stewart (Rachel Dratch) reports that she's enjoying life in prison; she even has a cellmate named Kenyatta Williams (Queen Latifah), who adores her. Finesse Mitchell comments that he's against young black mothers giving their babies weird names.
Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.
Transcript
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The Recruits
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Summary: Representatives from the NBA (Rob Riggle) and a respectable college (Seth Meyers) compete while courting a young basketball player (Finesse Mitchell).
Note: This sketch was cut from last week's dress rehearsal.
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TV Funhouse
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Summary: The X-Presidents battle President George W. Bush with a little help from Ron Reagan, Jr. and the X X-Presidents.
Note: This cartoon parody was cut from last week's dress rehearsal.
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Dangerfield Tribute
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Summary: Rodney Dangerfield (Darrell Hammond) performs stand-up one last time at St. Peter's (Horatio Sanz) request.
Recurring Characters: Rodney Dangerfield, St. Peter.
Note: Rodney Dangerfield hosted SNL on 03/08/80.
Transcript
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Vote Or Die!
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Summary: Starkeesha (Finesse Mitchell) and her friends canvas votes in their neighborhood.
Recurring Characters: Starkeesha, Appreciante.
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Queen Latifah performs "Hard Times"
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Zinger vs. Snap
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Summary: Nuclear physicists Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and Sheila "Snaps" Alsnape (Queen Latifah) compete via verbal wordplay.
Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.
Transcript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
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Dyson Toilets
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Summary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli.
Note: This commercial parody will air on the episode hosted by Jude Law.
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Mexican Fiesta
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Summary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.
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The Oak Room
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Summary: Alcoholic Miss Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) experiences pratfalls while performing awkwardly onstage.
Note: This sketch will later air on the episode hosted by Tom Brady.
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Kaitlin
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Summary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) invites another friend (Queen Latifah) over for a sleepover.
Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.
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Wheelchair
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Summary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) in a wheelchair feels sorry for himself.
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Starting Over
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Summary: Daytime talks show spoof.
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Rooftop
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Summary: Rooftop jumper (Fred Armisen) threatens to kill himself unless people start being nice to him; then he sings to thank them for their kindness.
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SNL Transcripts
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