Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 23rd, 2004

Jude Law

Ashlee Simpson

None

None

Hardball
Summary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Kerry campaign with smiling Ed Gillespie (Seth Meyers) and hothead Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Zell Miller.

Transcript


Montage


Jude Law's Monologue
Summary: Female cast members fawn over Jude Law with a song.

Bio: Jude Law (1972-). Actor; named for the Beatles song "Hey Jude"; among the six films he appeared in this year are "Alfie", "I ♥ Huckabees", and "Closer".

Transcript


Green Screen
Summary: In a parody of "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow", an actor (Jude Law) struggles with the task of performing an entire movie in front of a green screen.


Dyson Toilet
Summary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the last episode's dress rehearsal.

Transcript


The Presidential Debates
Summary: Now in their ninth debate, President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) repeat the themes they've already covered in previous debates.

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President George W. Bush, John Kerry.


Paris Hilton Apologizes
Summary: Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph) and sister Nicky (Jude Law) apologize for their recent use of the N-word.

Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton.

Transcript


Ashlee Simpson performs "Pieces Of Me"
Bio: Ashlee Simpson (1984-). Singer/actress; younger sister of pop star Jessica Simpson; appeared regularly on "7th Heaven".


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: The Ghost of Babe Ruth (Horatio Sanz) and his hooker (Rachel Dratch) comment on the Red Sox curse.

Recurring Characters: Babe Ruth.

Transcript


Bush and Blair
Summary: President Bush (Will Forte) and Prime Minister Tony Blair (Jude Law) hold a press conference.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Tony Blair.


"The Apprentice" Promo
Summary: Dracula-garbed Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a promo for "The Apprentice."

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Transcript


Jane Eyre
Summary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Jude Law), sneaks off to the attic for sex.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season's Colin Firth episode.


Ashlee Simpson attempts to perform "Autobiography"
Note: Oops! Ashlee Simpson is caught red-handed for lip-synching when her earlier recorded performance is accidentally replayed. Flustered, she performs a "hoedown" before getting the hell off the stage as quickly as she can.


Bear City
Summary: The adventures of a post-meteor Earth populated by bears is documented this week by an automobile collision involving two bear drivers.


The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine
Summary: Peter O’Toole (Jude Law) and Michael Caine (Seth Meyers) will have a drink together anywhere -- even if they're not quite sure where it is they're at.

Recurring Characters: Michael Caine, Peter O'Toole.

Transcript


Bear City
Summary: When a bear is caught mimicking his boss, he's promptly fired.


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Greyhound
Summary: First-time bus riders (Jude Law, Amy Poehler) deal with crazy people during a layover.


TV Funhouse
Summary: In Rob Smigel's cartoon, President Bush invents a de-gaying machine, which he haphazardly demonstrates on celebrities.

Note: This cartoon will later air in the episode hosted by Luke Wilson.


Cool Police
Summary: Members of the Cool Police (Jude Law, Fred Armisen, Amy Poehler) legally dictate what's cool and what's not.


Merv the Perv
Summary: Merv (Chris Parnell) and his cousin (Jude Law) hit on women at the office Halloween party.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

Note: This sketch will later air as a Christmas party on the episode hosted by Colin Farrell.



SNL Transcripts