+ SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 10/23/04: The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 3

04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

The Adventures of Peter O’Toole & Michael Caine

Peter O'Toole.....Jude Law
Michael Caine.....Seth Meyers
Brett.....Rob Riggle
Employee.....Rachel Dratch
Gary.....Kenan Thompson

[Title graphic appears as announcer speaks.]

Announcer: And now it is time once again for "The Adventures of Peter O'Toole and Michael Caine."

[A fast food restaurant, night. A drunken Peter O'Toole and an equally drunken Michael Caine enter in tuxedos, carrying martinis. Peter also carries a cigarette in a holder.]

Peter O'Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O'Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O'Toole: Hello, everyone!

Michael Caine: How are you, then?

Peter O'Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Good to see you!

Peter O'Toole: Hello!

Michael Caine: Coming through!

Peter O'Toole: Coming through! Hello!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O'Toole: Hello, everyone!

Michael Caine: Hello!

Peter O'Toole: Michael, I have one question for you: Where in God's name are we?

Michael Caine: Well, let's figure it out: a group of people...a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut Express sign...and we're wearing tuxedos. We must be hosting a talk show.

Peter O'Toole: Excellent!

[They sit at a table and address the camera.]

Michael Caine: Hello, I'm Michael Caine.

Peter O'Toole: And I'm Peter O'Toole.

Michael Caine: And you're watching "An Evening with Peter and Michael." Please enjoy our combined 200 years of acting excellence.

Peter O'Toole: This man has been in over 300 films: "Hannah and Her Sisters"...

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O'Toole: ..."Ipcress File"...

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O'Toole: ..."Star Wars"...

Michael Caine: No.

Peter O'Toole: ..."Garfield"...

Michael Caine: No.

Peter O'Toole: ..."The Jigsaw Man"...

Michael Caine: Yes.

Peter O'Toole: ...Sir Penny Marshall's "A League of Their Own"...

Michael Caine: Absolutely not.

Peter O'Toole: ...and the first season of "NYPD Blue."

Michael Caine: David Caruso.

Peter O'Toole: And I have been told by many people that I am still making films.

[A customer at the next table gets up and walks behind Peter and Michael.]

Brett: Hey, can I grab a napkin there, Chief?

Peter O'Toole: Oh, wonderful, we have a caller! What is your name, and where are you from?

Brett: My name's Brett, I'm from, uh...I'm from behind you. Look, I'm just going to grab one of these napkins. [He does so and returns to his table.]

Peter O'Toole: Thank you for your call! And remember, everyone, the number is 8...1...3...hundred...6.

Michael Caine: We would now like to pause for a word from our sponsor.

[Twelve-second pause. Peter smokes, Michael drinks.]

Michael Caine: Thank you, Walker's Crisps!

Peter O'Toole: Britain's best crisps since 1455...7...2.

Michael Caine: It is now time for a segment on our show we like to call "Guess the Accents."

Peter O'Toole: [clears throat, then speaks in his normal voice] "Hello, sir, I am here about the telegram."

Michael Caine: Italian.

Peter O'Toole: Correct.

Michael Caine: [speaks in his normal voice] "Hey, you. You over there. I'm talking to you. I'm going to tell you something about how to treat a woman."

Peter O'Toole: German.

Michael Caine: Correct.

[An employee approaches the table.]

Employee: Do you guys need me to call someone for you?

Michael Caine: You're in the shot, love.

[She leaves.]

Peter O'Toole: Michael, I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that we are not hosting a talk show.

Michael Caine: I think you're right. We must be teaching an acting workshop.

[They stand.]

Peter O'Toole: The key to acting is knowing what your character wants.

[Gary, a customer, walks by with a tray of food.]

Peter O'Toole: Othello!

Michael Caine: Hey!

Gary: Yo, dude, my name is not Othello.

Peter O'Toole: It was Wolverhampton Rep, the year was 1973. I played Iago, and you were marvelous!

Gary: Look, crazy dudes, I just want to eat my chicken soft taco in peace.

Michael Caine: You've told me what you want, but now make me believe it!

Gary: [frustrated] LEAVE ME ALONE!

Michael Caine: Now you are an actor.

[Michael and Peter put their drinks down and applaud Gary. They all sit down. The employee returns.]

Employee: Excuse me, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Peter O'Toole: Dear lady, where the hell are we?

Employee: At a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut Express.

Michael Caine: In that case, I would like a chalupa.

Peter O'Toole: And I would like your finest Gin Lover's Pizza.

Employee: We don't...we don't have any gin.

[Peter and Michael stand.]

Michael Caine: That's all the time we have.

Peter O'Toole: We'd like to thank our sponsors, Walker's Crisps and the planet Mercury.

b>Michael Caine: Can anyone here direct us to the nearest gentlemen's club?

[Gary stands.]

Gary: Uh, actually, uh...I know I'm going to regret this, but I'm headed to one right now.

b>Peter O'Toole: Othello!

Gary: Look, man, my name is Gary, you know what I'm saying? But we gotta get going, because after ten o'clock it's a twenty dollar cover.

Peter O'Toole: Twenty dollars? Then we'd best hurry, for we are without money and have been so for ages! Exeunt!

[Peter moves toward the door, as Michael picks up a napkin dispenser and puts his hand on Gary's shoulder]

Michael Caine: So, is this your first time in Kingsbridge?

Gary: Uh...dude, you're in Detroit.

Michael Caine: That's what you get for letting O'Toole drive.

[Michael staggers off as the title graphic reappears.]

Submitted Anonymously

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