04c: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson
Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Ghost of Babe Ruth.....Horatio Sanz
Ghost of Lulu.....Rachel Dratch
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update," with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Amy Poehler: Hello, I'm Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey, and here are tonight's top stories:
This week, in an attempt to appeal to pro-gun voters in the battleground state of Ohio, John Kerry and some friends walked into the woods to retrieve four geese that had been strangled and left for them by Democratic operatives. [video of Senator Kerry and two other men carrying geese]
Kerry appeared close with his fellow hunters, but as soon as they left, he accused them of raping the geese and setting fire to geese villages.
Amy Poehler: Kerry then tried to win over Cuban voters in Florida by shooting Fidel Castro. [video of Castro tripping and falling, with a gunshot sound effect inserted]
Dick Cheney says that because of his history with heart disease, he has received a flu shot, even though they are in short supply. Cheney added, "But even if I was healthy I woulda gotten one, so suck it."
Tina Fey: Election offices across Florida opened last Monday to give black voters the option of being turned away early. [applause]
This y-[continued applause] This year's winner of Family Circle
magazine's Presidential Cookie Bake-off was Laura Bush's Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk cookies, which beat Teresa Heinz Kerry's Portuguese Ketchup Rhinocerous bars.
That lady's weird.
Amy Poehler: Looks gross!
Martha Stewart reportedly spent her first week in prison playing Scrabble and charming her fellow prisoners. And tunneling. Furiously tunneling!
Tina Fey: Well, the Red Sox beat the Yankees this week, and adv- [cheers] Yes, advanced to the World Series for the first time since 1986, they're already up one game in the World Series- [more cheers] which raises the question: is the curse of the Bambino over?
[moaning heard in the distance]
What is that?
Amy Poehler: What is that?
Tina Fey: It sounds like scary ghost, or someth-
Amy Poehler: Yes! I'm scared, Tina, it's a terrifying sound!
Tina Fey: I don't like it!
[more moaning. Pan to the ghost of Babe Ruth, applause]
Ghost of Babe Ruth: What are you talkin' about, lady? I cursed the hell outa them good-for-nothin' Red Sox! What about that game, that 18- that 19-8 game? Yeah, I tried to mess up Schilling's ankle, blood come out of his socket an' everything. Hey, you know what? I also gave Johnny Damon that ladies haircut!
Tina Fey: Alright, but that was the first two games. What about Game Four? Where were you in Game Four?
Ghost of Babe Ruth: Well, you know what, Game Four looked like the game was in the bag, so you know, I left. Uh, me, Mickey Mantle and Rodney Dangerfield, we went and got a few beers. And then I entered a ghost hotdog-eating contest. And I, uh, passed out.
Amy Poehler: You passed out for Game Four?
Ghost of Babe Ruth: Game Four...Five, Six, and Seven.
Amy Poehler: So you only had a few beers, is that what you're saying?
Ghost of Babe Ruth: And some gasoline.
Tina Fey: Aw, you drank gasoline??
Ghost of Babe Ruth: Yeah, and some horse tranquilizers. Listen--
Tina Fey: Aw, Babe!
Ghost of Babe Ruth: That's nothing new. One time I passed out for the whole season. And I still hit forty homers! [holds bat in front of him, but realizes he's holding it the wrong way] Like this, I was left-handed.
[more moaning; the ghost of Babe Ruth's hooker enters]
Amy Poehler: Oh, another ghost!
Ghost of Babe Ruth: This is, uh, Lulu. She's, uh, my ghost hooker.
Amy Poehler: Oh my gosh.
Ghost of Lulu: Bambino! Whooo! I'm waiting out for you in the ghost car!
Tina Fey: This is your ghost hooker? So you're telling me you were at a ghost hotdog-eating contest--
Ghost of Babe Ruth: Right.
Tina Fey: With Rodney Dangerfield's ghost, and a ghost hooker, when you should've been cursing the Red Sox!
Ghost of Lulu: Did you know Babe can eat over a thousand of those hotdogs in one sitting? [holds her mouth open in astonishment]
Ghost of Babe Ruth: This is- this little sweet gal here, she's the sweetest hooker in heaven! And you know what, in heaven, all the
ladies--[cracks up] in my heaven, are hookers, so I mean, that's really sayin' something.
Ghost of Lulu: That's my guy!
Tina Fey: The ghost of Babe Ruth and the ghost of Babe Ruth's hooker, everyone! [applause] Oooooh!
Amy Poehler: First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that if her husband is elected to a second term, she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance abuse problems. When asked how she would do that, Mrs. Bush replied, "Just as I always have. By marrying them and bearing their children."
Tina Fey: A German man is patenting a device which he claims can
straighten bananas, making them easier to eat, ship, and store. Because, how many times has this happened to you? [points to Amy]
Amy Poehler: [fumbling with two bananas] Oh, these bananas are so hard to eat!
[frustrated, Amy drops the bananas. She and Tina shrug their shoulders. Cheers and applause. Both try handling the bananas again]
Tina Fey: Whoa!
Amy Poehler: [placing one banana near her ear, like a telephone] Hello?
Because of the controversy surrounding accusations that he harrassed a former colleague, Bill O'Reilly has cancelled a number of TV interviews intended to promote his new children's book, Curious Engorged.
Tina Fey: Andrea Mackris, the woman suing O'Reilly for sexual harassment in the form of unwanted phone sex, is alledgedly seeking sixty million dollars in damages, which sounds like a lot until you realize it breaks down to about $2.99 a minute.
Several major American Muslim groups gave their endorsement to John Kerry this week. In response, Kerry was like, "Aw, no, really, thanks, I'm good. Thanks, though. Thank you."
Amy Poehler: John Kerry said in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine that he would end the color-coded Terror Alert system, and find a more thoughtful way of alerting the American people. [picture of ketchup bottles of various colors, with labels from "Low" to "High"]
Tina Fey: I feel bad, 'cause my favorite flavor is "high."
Helmut Simon, who thirteen years ago found the 5000-year-old remains of a prehistoric man frozen in the ice of an Alpine glacier, has himself disappeared in the snow-covered Alps. Helmut, if you can hear me, don't give up. Help is on the way, in 5000 years.
Amy Poehler: F/X announced Thursday that actress Glenn Close will join the cast of "The Sheild."
Tina Fey: Oh god, that's so great! "The Shield" is so good!
Amy Poehler: I know!
Tina Fey: Do you ever watch it?
Amy Poehler: No.
Tina Fey: Me neither. [both pause for a moment]
Amy Poehler: Last week, a pet turtle in China, where turtles are a symbol of longevity, climbed through an apartment window, fell ten stories onto the roof of a taxi, and survived. The turtle claims it was an accident, but then why did he leave a note? [picture of an unintelligible scribbled note] Turtle writing!
Tina Fey: According to a new study, almost half of all New York City high school students have lost their virginity.
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: You're welcome.
Tina Fey: Hi Jimmy!
Amy Poehler: For "Weekend Update," I'm Amy Poehler!
Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo