Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 4

04d: Kate Winslet / Eninem

Rap Night with Chubb Hotty

Chubb Hotty.....Horatio Sanz
DJ Sugar Shock.....Kenan Thompson
Norah Jones.....Kate Winslet

(Logo Rap Night with Chubb Hotty appears on screen written in graffiti, cut to DJ Sugar Shock standing in front of panel with sound levels, turntables and a microphone, plays heavy rap beat)

DJ Sugar Shock: Yo´, Yo´, This is DJ Sugar Shock saying its time for Rap Night with your host the biggest, fattest, dopest rapper in the world, Chubb Hotty!! Holla!

(Curtains go up revealing fat as hell rapper Chubb Hotty with mic on hand. Starts rapping and his song appears on captions at the bottom of the screen)

Chubb Hotty: Yo´, yo´, yo´, I am Chubb Hotty fattest rapper around and I´ve tasted all the yummy ladies in this whole damn town, I´ve been a playa ass pimp from the beginning of time, I ate a batch of Tortellini off your mother´s behind, cause I´m fat, funky and super slick, I clean my nuts with a sponge tied to the end of a stick, Yeah!!! (Song ends, crowd cheers)What´s up everybody!! Wooo!! Welcome to the show everybody. The Red Sox won the World Series(cheers and boos) Yeah, yeah speaking of Red Sox's, I wear a special kind of socks to keep my circulation going so my feet don´t turn black and fall off. (confused look from DJ Sugar Shock)All right, let´s get this mother starteeeeed!!!

(DJ spins the turntables, plays funky beat and Chubb walks over and sits in big ass sofa, has trouble sitting in it)

Chubb Hotty: Ohhhh, ahhh, ufff, so DJ Sugar Shock what did you do this weekend, man?

DJ Sugar Shock: Oh, you know I took the kids to a car show. What you do?

Chubb Hotty: I filled my hot tub of Chef Boyardee and I had an orgy in it.(stunned look from DJ)OK, now its time for my new dope segment "What´s the weirdest thing you ever ate?"

(DJ plays pleasant game show tune and sings "What´s the weirdest thing you ever ate", cute smile)

Chubb Hotty: Oh, I´ll go first. Ummm, one time I put some bleu cheese on a old futon and I ate it. What about you Sugar Shock?

DJ Sugar Shock: Bleu cheese and a futon? I was gonna say frog legs, man. But you win,you always win.

Chubb Hotty: Oh man, that was fun. My first guest tonight is one of my favorite artists. She sure is pretty and I think she weighs as same as my kneecap. She´s here to perform our duet. "Don´t know why, to get up off me" remix. Everybody, please welcome the lovely Norah Jones!

(Norah sits at the piano, plays and sings with Chubb joining in rapping in between verses of Norah´s hit song. Chubb stands next to the piano)

Norah Jones: I waited till I saw the sun....

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah....

Norah Jones: Don´t know why I didn´t call....

Chubb Hotty: I don´t know either....

Norah Jones: I left you by the house of fun....

Chubb Hotty: Wasn´t fun for me....

Norah Jones: Don´t know why I didn´t come by....

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah I don´t know why you didn´t come by either, I figured you forgot we had a date so I ordered a pie, pizza that is, big as a trampoline more cheese and sausages on that that the factory at Jimmy Dean´s....

Norah Jones: My heart is drenched on wine....

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah, my heart is drenched in Crisco, had a triple by-pass back in San Francisco....

Norah Jones: You´ll be on my mind....forever....

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah you´ll be on my mind too unless I see a Wendy´s or a Chicken Cuckaroo....

Norah Jones: Don´t know why I didn´t come now....

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah....

Norah Jones: Don´t know why, I didn´t come.(Song ends)

Chubb Hotty: WOOO!! JEAH! I CAN´T SEE MY OWN DONG!!PEACE!!! Give me some love, sweetheart!

(Chubb wants to high five Norah and falls on the piano crushing it. Sound of discordant piano keys, Chubb has trouble getting up, gets up and walks back to big ass sofa a little embarrassed. Norah sits on chair beside him)

Chubb Hotty: Sorry about your piano.

Norah Jones: Yeah, it´s problem.

DJ Sugar Shock: Man, Chubb that´s like the 3rd piano you broke this week!

Chubb Hotty: Well, that was a good nice song. Thanks for being with us today, Norah.

Norah Jones: Yes, thanks for having me. Last time I saw you was at that incident at the Olive Garden.

Chubb Hotty: Ummm, they lied to me. "All you can eat" What a load of bull. Wasn´t that bull, Sugar Shock?

DJ Sugar Shock: Chubb, you was eating the plants, man. They ran out of food and you started eating the plants. Like a dinosaur.

Chubb Hotty: I´m just glad no one got hurt.

Norah Jones: Chubb, they had to shoot you with an elephant tranquilizer and cut a hole on the wall to get you out of there.

Chubb Hotty: Que sera ,sera. Ok, now it´s time for me and Norah to do another song. You ready, girl?

Norah Jones: You destroyed my piano.

Chubb Hotty: You only brought one with you? You know that you´re doing this show, right? All right then, how about I just do my own joint? I called this "Bustin´rhymes and busting zipphaaass" Deejay!

(DJ plays rap beat, Chubb dances around and raps)

Chubb Hotty: You think you know who i am cause I weight 800 pounds, I make make to your girlfriend and she´s still making sounds, you think your weak rhymes make me broken hearted, I eat so much nasty food that my kidneys are farting....(PPPPPPFFFFTTTTTT!! Horrible fart)

DJ Sugar Shock: Oh, Lord Chubb!, the smell is coming through the P.A. (fart continues)

Norah Jones: Smells like pepper spray and old broccoli!

Chubb Hotty: Yeah, yeah, (cracks up a little bit)You all better get out of the studio! For your own safety. (Norah leaves disgusted)That´s all the time we have left. This is Chubby Hotty saying join me next time when my guests will be 500 hot dogs. Stay tuned for the Tony Dans Show!

(Logo of Rap Night with Chubby Hatty appears on screen again)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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