Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 13th, 2004

Liam Neeson

Modest Mouse

None

None

John Lutz

Jason Sudeikis

JB Smoove

Kerry Calls Bush
Summary: After losing the presidential election, John Kerry (Seth Meyers) calls to congratulate George W. Bush (Will Forte) on his victory. A dismayed Bush wishes they could change places.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, John Kerry, Theresa Heintz-Kerry, Al Gore.

Transcript


Montage


Liam Neeson's Monologue
Summary: Liam Neeson counters the usual SNL ethnic stereotypes by not allowing them on the show.

Bio: Liam Neeson (1952-). Actor; minored in Drama while pursuing a teaching degree in England; films include "The Dead Pool" (1988), "Schindler's List" (1993), "Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace" (1999), "Gangs of New York" (2002), "Kinsey" (2004).

Recurring Characters: Billy Smith.

Transcript


Star Jones' Wedding Night
Summary: Crazy antics take place the night before Star Jones' (Kenan Thompson) wedding.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Al Reynolds, Barbara Walters, Sean Connery, Liza Minnelli.

Note: Even though Darrell Hammond is still in the cast, Liam Neeson curiously plays the part of Sean Connery.


You Call This A House, Do Ya?
Summary: "Buildin'" Finn McQuinn (Seth Meyers) and the home repair crew give an Irish home makeover.

Transcript


Dr. Porkenheimer's Boner Juice
Summary: The juice that can keep men sexually-active for up to four hours.

Note: Rob Riggle's erection under the sheets is edited out of the rebroadcasts.

Note: Repeat from 04a.


Jasper the Parrot
Summary: After a night out, Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) brings her date (Liam Neeson) home to meet her giant parrot, Jasper (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.

Transcript


Wake Up San Diego
Summary: Joyce Ann Golden (Maya Rudolph) and Trevor Green (Liam Neeson) waste time by repeatedly dancing to the morning show's theme music.

Transcript


Modest Mouse performs "Float On"
Bio: Indie rock trio; formed in 1993 by vocalist/guitarist Isaac Brock, bassist Eric Judy, and drummer Jeremiah Green; got its unusual name from an obscure reference to the American middle class.

Lyrics


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: John Ashcroft (Darrell Hammond) comments on his resignation from the Bush cabinet. College student Doug Stradley (Seth Meyers) makes a late comments on the election. Deaf comic Richie B. (Fred Armisen) insults his interpretor, Marcus (Kenan Thompson), by telling black jokes.

Recurring Characters: John Ashcroft, Richie B, Marcus.

Transcript


Appalachian Emergency Room
Summary: More hillbilly hijinks at the Appalachian Emergency Room.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Willie Tater, Mrs. Denmont, Jake Denmont, Tyler.


Drug-Sniffing Dog
Summary: After misplacing their stash, a pot-loving couple (Liam Neeson, Amy Poehler) ask a policeman (Chris Parnell) if they can borrow one of their drug-sniffing dogs.

Transcript


Modest Mouse performs "Ocean Breathes Salty"
Lyrics


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

TV Funhouse
Summary: In Rob Smigel's cartoon, President Bush invents a de-gaying machine, which he haphazardly demonstrates on celebrities.

Note: This cartoon will later air in the episode hosted by Luke Wilson.


Bear City
Summary: In high school, a boy bear's friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.


The David Mack Wilson Show
Summary: Ten-year old David Mack Wilson (Rachel Dratch) interviews actor Liam Neeson.


Bear City
Summary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.


Chinese Restaurant
Summary: A couple (Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler) dining at a Chinese restaurant are flummoxed when they see their waiters' (Horatio Sanz, Liam Neeson) ying-yangs sticking out.


Wheelchair
Summary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) in a wheelchair feels sorry for himself.


Papa
Summary: Papa (Liam Neeson) destroys expensive items every time he sits on them.



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