Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5






04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Kerry Calls Bush

President George W. Bush.....Will Forte
John Kerry.....Seth Meyers
Theresa Heintz-Kerry.....Maya Rudolph
Al Gore.....Darrell Hammond

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George W. Bush at his desk ]

Intercom: Mr. President? You've got a phone call from Sen. Kerry.

President George W. Bush: Thanks, Ashley. [ picks up phone ] Hello there, John.

[ split-screen ]

John Kerry: Hello, George! I just wanted to call and congratulate the man who ran the most ruthlessly efficient campaign in the history of the nation.

President George W. Bush: Well, thank you. I'll tell Karl Rove. [ chuckles ]

John Kerry: I was talking about you, George. So, how's everything else?

President George W. Bush: Well, you know.. I don't know. I got so much work to do. I've got to clean up the mess left by the previous administration.

John Kerry: Well, in that respect, I don't envy you, George!

President George W. Bush: Yeah, well, tell me about it, you know. I don't know if you've been paying attention, but the economy is in shambles. You know, we haven't caught Osama bin Laden because we outsourced the job to those.. those crazy Moo-lahs and - heck! Don't get me started on Iraq. You know that's just.. that's just a nightmare. What about you? What are you up to?

John Kerry: [ sips a frozen mixed drink, as a waiter delivers a second ] Not much of anything. Just hanging out, really. Recovering. Pretty boring stuff.

President George W. Bush: That sounds, uh.. awesome

John Kerry: Well, I have to be honest - it was rough at first. But then my accountant told me how much money I would save under your administration. It was hard not to feel like a winner. Plus, my wife has citizenship in, like, eight countries, so, if this joint goes down, I've got plenty of outs! [ Theresa Heintz-Kerry nudges John ] Oh, wait, hold on, she wants to talk to you.

Theresa Heintz-Kerry: Whoooooo!! Congratulations, George! I knew you could do it! Listen, tell Laura I said Hello. Hug her awkwardly for me, okay? [ blows a kiss ]

President George W. Bush: Will do.

John Kerry: [ back on the phone with Bush ] Oh, isn't she great? To think that I married her for her money and I got so much more - houses.. cars.. an ostrich ranch; it's fantastic!

President George W. Bush: Wow, John, you know, I've never heard you sound so relaxed and easygoing.

John Kerry: Curse of the Democrats, George. We save likeable and charming for the concession speech. When it counts - stiff, cold and wooden. When the campaign's over, we're the life of the party!

Voice: Whoo-hoo-hooooo!!!!

[ Al Gore sits ]

Al Gore: Well, well, well. John, I have the shuffleboard court reserved for 4:30.

John Kerry: I'll be there in a few minutes, Al.

Al Gore: Well, come quick, there's a lot of great games. Tipper and I just won a limbo contest by a decisive margin. Who are you talking to?

John Kerry: George. He says he's swamped at work.

Al Gore: Let me talk to him. [ takes the phone ] Congratulations, George.

President George W. Bush: Thanks, Al! And I actually won this one, you know! It feels, uh, weird, you know?

Al Gore: I just want to thank you again for what you did to me four years ago. Losing to you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean, I keep telling John now's the time to grow a beard, hang out with Ben Affleck, and start yelling a lot! People really seem to respond to that.

President George W. Bush: Well, uh.. you know, it sure sounds like you're having fun.

Al Gore: Well, like I always says: "Do do do do do - I'm loving it!" [ chuckles ]

President George W. Bush: Alright. Al, Al, Al, Al.. could you put John back on the phone, please?

Al Gore: Oh, snippy. [ returns the phone to John ]

John Kerry: [ laughing ] Oh, I love that goofball! Come on, George, I'm sure you and your friends are having fun, too.

President George W. Bush: You know, that's the thing. All my friends are leaving. You know: Ashcroft; Don Evans; Rumsfeld's gonna go; Colin Powell cleared out his office, like, two years ago, you know? That guy is gone. You know that feeling you had in college, when all your friends were gradge-e-ating, but you still had, like, two more semesters of math requirements? It's like that.

John Kerry: Well, I'm sure you're gonna find some good people.

President George W. Bush: Yeah. I'm sure I will. Everything's gonna be fine.. I guess.

John Kerry: Well, that's the spirit!

[ John pauses to take a sip from his frozen drink, as Bush waits patiently ]

President George W. Bush: Switch with me!

John Kerry: I'm sorry, w-what?

President George W. Bush: Switch with me. Please! You know, I can find more votes for you in Ohio. [ chuckles ] Trust me - I know where to look!

John Kerry: No, no, I don't think that's a good idea, George.

President George W. Bush: Oh, it can work, John. You know? It worked in "The Parent Trap."

John Kerry: They were twins, George.

President George W. Bush: But what am I gonna do?

John Kerry: George, this is a very important time in our country. People need you to lead them.

President George W. Bush: I guess you're right, John. You know? It's time to be decisive. Now, this may not be the popular thing to say, but I'm gonna say it. [ hangs up his phone ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


SNL Transcripts