Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5







04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Drug-Sniffing Dog

Potsmoker.....Liam Neeson
Potsmoker's Girl.....Amy Poehler
Officer.....Chris Parnell
Officer Quinn.....Kenan Thompson

[ open on interior police station, as a white trash couple enters ]

Potsmoker's Girl: What are we doing in a police station?

Potsmoker: Relax, everything's gonna be cool. We have to find the pot that I lost.

Potsmoker's Girl: You didn't lose it, you hid it.

Potsmoker: Exactly. I hid it so no one else could find it, but I forgot where I hid it.

Potsmoker's Girl: So why are we here? Are you gonna file a "missing pot" report?

Potsmoker: I'm not stupid! They would arrest me if I did that. I'm just gonna borrow one of their drug-sniffing dogs so I can find my weed. Observe. [ casually saunters over to the officer on duty ] Good afternoon, Officer. How are you today?

Officer: I'm fine. How may I help you?

Potsmoker: [ turns to give the thumbs-up to his girlfriend ] I'm part of a community outreach program, and this week we're volunteering to walk your drug-sniffing dogs, especially the ones that sniff pot.

Officer: We're not interested.

Potsmoker: I thought you might be a little hesitant. But our special this week not only includes walking the dogs, we're also gonna wash them. So.. if you could bring out one of your dogs, I can get started.

Officer: Our dogs are very well taken care of. And, besides, I've never heard of your organization.

Potsmoker's Girl: Hey, hey, hey.. can I talk to you real quick?

Potsmoker: Chill out, go wait back there. [ she sits ] Okay, I'm gonna levle with ya' - I'm not part of a community outreach program.

Officer: I had a hunch.

Potsmoker: Okay, here's the truth. My kid is turning five years old today, and I promised I would bring a drug-sniffing dog to his party.

Officer: I guess I could have an officer stop by the party for a few minutes.

Potsmoker: Nah, that's not gonna work.

Officer: Why not?

Potsmoker: No offense, but my kid hates cops. You know, the whole Rodney King thing?

Officer: I thought you said he was five?

Potsmoker: I know, but he watches a lot of A&E. He must have seen Bill Kurtis talk about it, and you know kids. So, just, uh, give me the dog, and I'll have him back to you in no time.

Officer: Maybe we can work something out. Why don't you give me your name and address --

Potsmoker: [ chuckles ] Nice try.

Potsmoker's Girl: Hey! We-we're late, we should get moving.

Potsmoker: One second, baby. [ faces the officer again ] Okay, Officer, here's the real deal. I'm gonna lay it out in front of ya', as is. I'm afraid my son is on drugs.

Officer: Your five year old son?

Potsmoker: Makes your heart weep, don't it? I want to help him, but at his age, I don't want to get him in trouble with the law. Especially with the way he feels about you pigs already.

Officer: [ sighs ] Well, I can send an officer over there, and we won't fill out a report on your son, we'll just dispose of the drugs.

Potsmoker: Okay, that's not gonna work, either. This time I'm gonna shoot straight with ya'?

Potsmoker's Girl: Hey, hey, hey, hey! We should really get out of here, and just go buy some more P-O-T!

Officer: [ sighs ] I'm a grown man, and I know what that spells.

Potsmoker: She's just kidding, Officer. Now, where were we?

Officer: Sir! I'm not giving you a drug-sniffing dog!

Potsmoker: Okay! Here it is. Scout's honor. You've heard of Homeland Security, right?

Officer: No!

Potsmoker: You've never heard of --

Officer: I have heard of it, I mean "No!" to your story.

Potsmoker: Check it out, guy - my grandma has glaucoma --

Officer: No!

Potsmoker: I.. misplaced my hemp belt.

Officer: Hmm.. no!

Potsmoker's Girl: W-we can't find our Willie Nelson albums?

Potsmoker: Yeah!

Officer: No!

Potsmoker: Oh, come on, man! just be cool, let me borrow the dog!

Officer: No, I'm sorry, I can't be "cool."

Potsmoker: Dude! You are bumming me out! [ points to a black officer ] I want to talk to the black cop out there!

Officer: [ sighs ] Officer Quinn. This gentlemen would like to talk to you about borrowing one of our dogs.

Officer Quinn: A drug-sniffing dog.

Officer: One of our drug-sniffing dogs.

Officer Quinn: Why do you want the dog?

Potsmoker: It's funny you should ask. [ looks at the first officer ] Uh.. do you mind butting out of this?

Officer: Not at all. [ promptly exits ]

Officer Quinn: Mmm-hmm.. oh, you hid it? Okay.. now you can't find it? Alright. Oh, 'cause I'm black, I'm supposed to be cool? Right, right, right. So you need a dog? You know, I think we got it.

Potsmoker: So, we're cool?

Officer Quinn: Hell, no, we not cool! Man, you lucky I don't arrest you!

Potsmoker: For real?

Officer Quinn: [ whispers ] No, not for real. Meet me in the back in five minutes. [ gives thumbs-up ] Now, get out of here!

[ first officer returns ]

Officer Quinn: Man, that guy was crazy.

Officer: Mmm-hmm.

Officer Quinn: [ fakes a yawn ] I'm tired! I think I'm gonna take an early lunch. You know, maybe take Rusty with me. Come on, Rusty! [ exits ]

Officer: I'll see you later. [ back to business ] Uh, Crystal? Someone has posted your bail, so if you'll just come over here and sign this for me..

[ dissolve to a smoke-filled room in a trailer, the white trash couple and Officer Quinn lying on the couch listening to Willie Nelson music as a small kid runs circles around them ]

Officer Quinn: Yeah.. oh, hell, Willie, sing it!

Potsmoker: Willie's the best!

Officer Quinn: Yeah, he sure is. Hey, can you tell oyur kid to take off that Spiderman mask? He's freaking me out.

Potsmoker's Girl: We don't know that kid!

[ fade ]


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