Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 5








04e: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Tina Fey
.....Amy Poehler
John Ashcroft.....Darrell Hammond
Doug Stradley.....Seth Meyers
Ritchie B.....Fred Armisen
Marcus.....Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler…

Tina Fey: …I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.

Well tonight in New York after months of build up and anticipation, Starr Jones made history and became the first person ever to get married. Unfortunately, things at the reception turned ugly when the carving station ran out of ham.
[A rowdy clip of hundreds of people surrounding a small table that has several people on top of it is shown, and gunshots are fired as well.]

And yesterday, in a shocking turn of events, Ben Affleck was convicted of murdering Scott Peterson’s wife. God, that guy cannot get a break lately.

Amy Poehler: Next up in the Scott Peterson cast, the jury will deliberate on the death penalty. This will determine whether Peterson is raped by criminals or Satan.

President Bush said yesterday that Yasser Arafat’s death would provide an opening for peace in the Middle East, adding, "But fear not, I will close it."

Tina Fey: This week, Attorney General, John Ashcroft, became the first member of President Bush’s cabinet to step down since the election. Here to talk about his resignation is John Ashcroft.

John Ashcroft: Thank you, Tina. It’s been an honor serving as the Attorney General of this great nation. For four years, I’ve enjoyed wide spread popular support for the many fine decision that I’ve made. My Patriot Act, a real favorite with everybody, has allowed law enforcement agencies to arrest thousands of people, some of whom may in fact turn out to be guilty of something. But alas, I’ve wanted to do so much more, like banning nude pictures from art museums, making a secret list of bearded people, creating a law that people have to sleep with their hands outside their blankets. But very few of my modest proposals were ever taken seriously, simple things that I know that we could agree on. For instance, I wanted to bring good ol-fashioned wooden stocks back to the town square, and let people heave rocks and tomatoes at the folks who was guilty of-uh spiting on the sidewalk. I had the brilliant idea to put lo jacks on Muslims in this country so… we wanna put a lo jack on ‘em so we can be keepin’ track of ‘em. I wanted dirty magazines to explode with black ink so we can see who was-uh buyin’ them. It was my plan to arrest people who walked around at night, and like you Tina, I thought the missionary sex position should be written into the Constitution as the only true and legal way to do that disgusting deed.

Tina Fey: I agree with that, yeah.

John Ashcroft: But not everyone saw things our way Tina, and so I’m resigning.

Tina Fey: A sad day for all America.

John Ashcroft: You really think so?

Tina Fey: No! John Ashcroft, everybody.

Amy Poehler: President Bush’s nomination for Attorney General is Alberto Gonzalez, who the President has nicknamed The Judge. Though what do you wanna bet that when Gonzalez isn’t in the room that he calls him Speedy?

Tina Fey: This week at Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs’ 35th birthday party in New York, Tara Reid stole the show by accidentally exposing her breast on the red carpet. Even worse, later in the evening, Cynthia Nixon accidentally exposed her red carpet on the red carpet. Hmm…

Amy Poehler: Now, we can’t show the tape of Tara on the red carpet, but we can demonstrate what happened with this Barbie doll.

[Tina pulls out a Barbie doll dressed like Tara Reid from under the Update desk, along with several other items.]

Tina Fey: So Tara got ready to go to the party.

Amy Poehler: [performing as a stoned Tara Reid Barbie] "Ah! I’m gonna go to the party! Here we go! I’m getting ready for the party!"

[Tina lifts a bottle of some kind of alcoholic drink to Barbie Tara’s mouth while Tina and Amy both make guzzling noises.]

Amy Poehler: [performing as a stoned Tara Reid Barbie] "Let’s go, lets go the party! Lalalalala…"

[Tina pours cocaine into Barbie Tara’s mouth.]

Tina Fey: Then she went on the red carpet… [performing as the paparazzi] "Tara, Tara! Over here... Tara, Tara, Tara!!"

Tina Fey: And then… [pulls down the shoulder strap of Barbie Tara’s dress] "Oh no Tara, Tara! Your dress, your dress!"

Amy Poehler: [performing as a stoned Tara Reid Barbie] "What? My dress? What? I don’t even know… what?"

[Tina flicks her finger on Barbie Tara’s exposed breast.]

Tina Fey: [performing as the paparazzi] "Tara! Why can’t you feel that Tara? Tara!" [makes a fist and hits Barbie Tara’s exposed breast] "What’s going on?"

Amy Poehler: Okay, then her publicist came in and was like trying to put the dress up. [performing as Publicist Barbie, who comes in and pulls Barbie Tara’s dress down more] "Put the dress up!"

Tina Fey: [performing as the paparazzi] "Tara, Tara, Tara!"

Tina Fey: And then Paris Hilton came through, and she was like… [performing as Paris Hilton Barbie, who enters] "My god, you guys, I’m not wearing any underwear!" [performing as the paparazzi] "Tara! Paris! Tara! Can we get you and Tara together!"

Tina & Amy: [performing as Paris Hilton and Tara Reid Barbies] "Yeah, sure yeah!"

[Tara Reid and Paris Hilton Barbies start making out with each other while Tina and Amy make kissing noises.]

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler: And scene!

[Tara Reid and Paris Hilton Barbies bow]

Amy Poehler: That made sense.

Tina Fey: In his five-page hand written resignation letter, John Ashcroft said of his tenure as Attorney General, “The objective of securing the safety of American from crime and terror has been achieved… in the state of South Dakota. BYE!

Amy Poehler: One of the biggest disappointments to the Kerry Campaign on Election Day was the low turn out of college voters. Here with the commentary is college student Doug Stradley.

Doug Stradley: Yeah!! Woooo!! I love it! Yeah! Woo! Fey, Poehler what’s up? I dig you guys! You’re like the Coor’s Light Twins, but smarter… and not twins.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. All right, get on with it Stradley.

Doug Stradley: When I took Intro to Poli-Sci last spring, I learned a lot about politics and I feel comfortable saying this about the current administration… YOU GUYS SUCK!! Well, your reign is over fat cats because this Tuesday the youth vote is gonna be heard like never before! Yeah!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, election happened a few weeks ago, Bush won.

Doug Stradley: [Disappointed] Really?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, really!

Doug Stradley: Ah MAN! All right, let me explain myself. My schedule has been nuts. I’ve had like, three quizzes and a million chapters to read. Plus outside of class, there’s all this personal stuff. I’m seeing this girl Becky who upside, crazy in bed, downside, crazy everywhere else! It’s not like she’s even a Cooer’s Light Twin, right guys? You know what I’m talking about. Oh, and last week, last week was our fraternity fundraiser ‘Brats for Tots.’

Amy Poehler: Brats for Tots? What, do you have a cookout to raise money for kids?

Doug Stradley: No, we have a cookout and we give the ladies brats if they flash their tots.

Amy Poehler: How is that a fundraiser?

Doug Stradley: Did I say fundraiser cuz I meant fun raiser.

Amy Poehler: Can you hurry up and finish!

Doug Stradley: That’s what she said. But seriously, maybe this isn’t my fault? Maybe it’s the fault of the candidates for not being different enough. These guys are like the Coor’s Light Twins. Only a very educated person could tell the difference between them.

Tina Fey: Yeah, it seems like the only thing you have a position on is the Coor’s Light Twins.

Doug Stradley: HOW DARE YOU! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR THE ISSUES I CARE ABOUT TINA FEY! So I will tell you this. I don’t like tyranny or poverty or sick people. [Starts singing the Coor’s Light commercial tune] "And I like voting with your heart, people who do their part, democracy in actionnn, and the twinnnsss!" And I love you too Tina and Amy…

Amy Poehler: All right, get out of here!

Doug Stradley: I really like twins!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, get out of here! Doug Stradley, everybody, Doug Stradley.

Tina Fey: Researchers have developed a new male contraceptive shot that has worked 78% of the time on monkeys, which is great if your monkey hates condoms has much as mine does.

Amy Poehler: John Embry, a 47-year-old motel manager in Florida, was charged with holding up a bus of Special Olympics Athletes at gunpoint. Witnesses described the man as mean and yelly.

According to a BBC music poll, the Beatle’s song Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da is the worst song ever. And the second worst song ever is… oh… uh oh!

Tina Fey: What?

Amy Poehler: Oh, it’s that song you and I put out.

Tina Fey: What! Wait a minute! You’re telling me that our song that we put out, our single called “The Party's Cancelled” is supposedly the second worst song ever!

Amy Poehler: Yeah that’s what it says.

Tina Fey: That is crazy! Check it!

[Tina and Amy stand up and grab microphones.]

Tina Fey: 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… "Everybody, the party’s cancelled! We’re not having a party! Don’t bring Fritos, there won’t be dancing…"

Amy Poehler: "Everybody, the party’s cancelled! Don’t come over, the party’s cancelled!"

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler: Bring it! 1992 ya’ll! We out!

Amy Poehler: I don’t know why! That was a great song!

Tina Fey: They’re saying that’s not a good song!

Amy Poehler: That’s a great song!

Tina Fey: Unbelievable! [Laughs] That’s more cocaine!

Aleta St. James, a 57-year-old New York woman, gave birth to twins this week… beautiful, 26-year-old twins! [imitating college student Doug Stradley from earlier] Twinnnsss!

Amy Poehler: Most surprised by the birth was Aleta’s mother, 114-year-old Dorothy St. James. She has seen it all, Dorothy, look at her! Dorothy reacted on Wednesday saying, [in an old person's voice] “Oh I’m gonna be a grandma!” [Amy plops dead on the desk]

Tina Fey: South Africa’s Hendrick Ramaala won Sunday’s New York City Marathon in 2 hours 9 minutes and 28 seconds. Ramaala credited his fast time to the fact that he was being chased by 30,000 white people.

Amy Poehler: As everyone knows, I’m a huge fan of stand up comedy and last night, I saw a comedian who, despite his shortcomings, was hilarious! So please join me in welcoming a man who is as funny as he is inspiring, deaf comedian Ritchie B. and his interpreter Marcus.

[Ritchie B. signs and moves his mouth when he wants to talk and Marcus tells what he’s saying]

Marcus: What’s up New York, make some noise!

[Audience claps and applauds]

Marcus: I can’t hear you.

[Audience claps and applauds again louder]

Marcus: No, seriously I can’t hear you I’m deaf. [To Ritchie B] That went really well, good job!

[Ritchie B smiles smugly.]

Marcus: Dating is hard, dating is really hard. Girls try to give me their phone numbers… but I can’t use the phone, I’m deaf. [To Ritchie B] Yeah, that one didn’t go so well. … Yeah I mean they didn’t laugh. … Yeah I told it right. Look, just do another one.

Anybody here from out of town?

[Lots of noise from the audience]

Amy Poehler: Lot of people from out of town. I’m from Boston.

Marcus: [To Ritchie B] She’s from Boston. … Oh, they got a lot of Catholics up there right?

Amy Poehler: Yep! That’s right.

Marcus: How do you know that Adam and Eve weren’t black? … You ever try to take a rib from a black person. [To Ritchie B] HEY HEY! That’s not cool! That’s not cool!

Oh here’s a good one. … Gatorade just came out with a new flavor for black people.

[Ritchie B makes a noise and does something that looks like he’s knocking on a door.]

Marcus: I’m not saying that.

[Ritchie B does the noise and action again.]

Marcus: I’m not saying that.

[Ritchie B does the noise and action again but quieter.]

Marcus: [to Ritchie B] I’m not saying that.

Tina Fey: Amy, these guys are horrible!

Amy Poehler: Yeah! Okay, wrap it up Ritchie B.

Marcus: [To Ritchie B] We have to wrap it up… wrap it up!

What do you call a black guy with a… okay, you know what! I’m not saying his joke! But I will tell you a little something about Ritchie B. I mean this guy's johnson is so small, he pees on his nuts. [To Ritchie B] Yeah that was good, really good! Yeah, way to go!

Tina Fey: All right, thank you, you guys.

Amy Poehler: Thanks!

Marcus: Yeah!

Amy Poehler: Thanks everybody! Ritchie B. and his interpreter Marcus, everyone.

Tina Fey: Doctors in Cleveland have gained approval to conduct the worlds first face transplant. So… For Weekend Update, I’m Al Franken…

Amy Poehler: And I’m Richard Dreyfus.

Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!


Submitted by: Margaret Edwards


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