Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

The Apprentice

President George W. Bush.....Will Forte
Colin Powell.....Finesse Mitchell
Donald Rumsfeld.....Darrell Hamond
Condoleeza Rice.....Maya Rudolph

[ open on exterior, White House, night ]

[ Music Over: "For The Love of Money", by The O.J.s" ]

[ dissovle to interior, White House. Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice sit at "Apprentice"-like conference table as President George W. Bush enters and takes his seat. ]

President George W. Bush: Okay. Y'all know why you are here. You were given a simple task: start a war, set up a democracy, and get out. It's a public relations nightmare, it almost cost me the election. Colin. You were the project manager on this one. What went wrong?

Colin Powell: Under the circumstances, I feel like we all did the best we could.

President George W. Bush: Okay, uh, what about you, Rumsfeld? Do you agree with Colin? Did everyone on the team perform to the best of their ability?

Donald Rumsfeld: [ scoffing ] Oh my, no! And as far as Secretary Powell is concerned, he is not a team player at all.

President George W. Bush: Colin, were you part of the team?

Colin Powell: Very much so, sir. As team leader, I felt it was my duty to point out where we were making mistakes. I knew that, you especially, would want to hear my opinion.

President George W. Bush: [ laughing ] Oh, well, definitely! If you know anything about me, you know I love to hear it when I'm wrong. It's, uh -- oh, Condi, you're shaking your head. Do you disagree with me? Do you disagree with Mr. Powell?

Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I have the highest regard for Secretary Powell. He has been a mentor and a friend.

Colin Powell: Thank you, Condi.

Condoleeza Rice: Mmm-hmm.

President George W. Bush: Rummy?

Donald Rumsfeld: I think Colin should be fired.

Condoleeza Rice: Me, too! Colin gets my vote, I want to fire Colin!

Colin Powell: Hey..

President George W. Bush: Colin. Your teammates are not behind you. Uh.. as project manager, who would you fire?

Colin Powell: Well.. I believe.. the way Mr. Rumsfeld has handled --

Donald Rumsfeld: Oh, no, no!

Colin Powell: Well.. yes.

Donald Rumsfeld: If you think that you're firing me, you are out of your pea-picking mind. I say we fire the chick and James Earl Jones and get the hell out of here!

President George W. Bush: You would fire Condi, too?

Donald Rumsfeld: You bet!

Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I worked very hard. Most of the time, I've had a concussion, because a piece of plaster hit me..

President George W. Bush: Okay, Condi. Could you have done a better job than Colin?

Condoleeza Rice: Absolutely. I would make a great project manager. I can play the piano - Colin cannot. Let's see.. I can ice skate - Colin, no. And, best of all, I have no opinions that are not the opinions of this administration.

President George W. Bush: Well, someone has to get fired, okay? This is a losing team. I wish Cheney were here, you know? He likes to fire people. He says it's good for his heart.

Donald Rumsfeld: Hell, it's good for everyone's heart! We all like to fire people. The way I see it, we really don't need a cabinet. I mean, the way I see it, Cheney and I can run the whole damn country, and you can go do whatever it is that you do!

President George W. Bush: Okay, uh, I have to make a decision. Donald.. you made a mistake. You started a war without enough troops, you got no exit strategy, you let things get out of control at that Abu Ghraib prison. But, uh, you know, you refuse to take the blame, and I like that. And, uh, you know, clearly Iím afraid of you, or I would have fired you months ago.

Condi. Here's what you've got going for you: you're, uh, easier on the eyes than Colin. And, uh, as an expert on Soviet affairs, you're perfect for the current world sit-e-ation.

And, that leaves you, Colin. Uh.. you know, it's turns out you were right about the war - we do need a heck of a lot more troops. Uh, youíre the only one in this administration that seems to know anything about fighting a war. Obviously, you donít fit in. Colin.. you're fired.

Colin Powell: Sir?

President George W. Bush: You're fired! You are fired! Trump-stryle. [ smiles, proud of his finesse ]

Colin Powell: I handed you my letter of resignation about a week ago, sir.

President George W. Bush: [ upset ] Well, gosh darn it! I want to fire someone! Everyone in the whole cabinet is resigning, faster than I can say.. "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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