Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6





04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Business Drinking

Businessman #1.....Luke Wilson
Businessman #2.....Seth Meyers
Businessman #3.....Kenan Thompson
Waitress.....Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, Hyatt hotel complex]

[ dissolve to interior, a wood-paneled hotel bar and businessmen sitting around a table]

Waitress: Here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: Thanks, and we're gonna order another round right now.

Businessman #1: Save yourself another trip.

Waitress: You got it.

Businessman #2: I tell you I don't know how many more of these business trips I can take.

Businessman #1: They don't get any easier…

Businessman #3: Yeah, but you what you can write everything off. I mean, I ordered a filet and a ice cream sundae from room service last night. 56 dollars... Boom. Company card.

Businessman #1: I'll tell you one thing. it never hurts to have a weekend away from the old ball and chain, if you know what I'm talkin' about.

[All loudly agree]

Businessman #2: No doubt. Free as birds! Gentlemen I also don't mind mentioning that the liquor is starting to kick in.

Businessman #1: And I don't mind mentioning to you that you breath is giving it away.

[All laugh]

Businessman #1: Seriously though, who's hooking up tonight ‘cause in my mind the way things are going in Iraq we gotta live for today; if you know what I mean.

Businessman #2: No doubt about it.

Businessman #3: I hear you. Tonight, is the night, I mean I gotta say, If I were a lady and I walked into this bar I would not be able to keep my eyes of this table full of studly former high school athletes.

Businessman #1: It ain't braggin' if it's a fact, bro.

Businessman #2: Hey check out those ladies at the end of the bar. HEY LADIES, what's up, buy you a drink?

[all encourage the ladies to join]

Waitress: Okay, here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: Thanks, and we're gonna order another round right now.

Businessman #1: Save yourself a trip.

Waitress: You got it.

Businessman #2: I tell you; business trips blow.

Businessman #1: Yeah, they don't get any easier.

Businessman #3: Yeah, but you what you can write everything off. I ordered a pot roast and eleven bathrobes from room service last night. 913 dollars... Wap smack. Company card.

Businessman #1: AND, it never hurts to have a weekend away from Mrs. Task Master General, if you know what I'm talkin' about.

[All loudly agree]

Businessman #2: No doubt about it. Free bird! Gentlemen, I also don't mind mentioning that the Boozy McBooze is starting to work it's Magic McMagic.

Businessman #1: And I don't mind mentioning to you that you breath gives it away.

[All Laugh]

Businessman #1: Seriously though, who's dippin' their doodle in a little poodle tonight. 'Cause in my mind the way things are going in Iraq this could be the last night before the apocalypse. If you know what I mean.

Businessman #2: No doubt about it.

Businessman #3: Tonight, I have got to say, If I were a lady and I walked into this bar I would kiss both of ya'll full on the lips.

Businessman #1: Hot town summer in the city…

Businessman #2: Hey ladies at the end of the bar. HEY kitty-cat, meow.

[all encourage the ladies to join]

Waitress: Here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: Thanks, and we're gonna order another round right now.

Businessman #1: Save yourself a trip.

Waitress: You bet.

Businessman #2: Business conference stink-a-loo.

Businessman #1: Teenage champion!

Businessman #2: WE PLAYED SPORTS!

Businessman #3: You can write everything off. I ordered a midget to ride into my room on a pot-bellied pig last night from room service. 7429 dollars and 53 cents... wh-slam, damn, restin on a ham. Company card.

Businessman #1: Yeah, yeah. AND, it never hurts to have a weekend away from Hitler. If you know what I'm talkin' about. She's a bitch.

[All loudly agree]

Businessman #2: No doubt about it. Birds! Gentlemen I'm going to tell you the alcohol is making me crazy. CRAZY!

Businessman #1: Whoa. Well, and I don't mind mentioning to you that your breath: bum's ass.

[All Laughing]

Businessman #1: Seriously though, seriously though, who's gonna slap the what and then knock it on it's yam tonight. IRAQ. God, people should be more like me, if you know what I mean.

Businessman #2: No doubt about it.

Businessman #3: I'm gonna dress up like a lady and have sex with both of ya'll.

Businessman #1: Hot buttered biscuit batter-up.

Businessman #2: Ladies. Bar. Now.

[all begin braying like donkeys]

Waitress: Okay, okay, here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: More!

Businessman #1: Now!

Businessman #2: [Brays into waitresses face] Businessman #1: More! [breaks his glass on the floor]

Businessman #2: More drinks! [now clinging to waitress] Wooo!

Waitress: You gentlemen wanted me to tell you when it was noon?

Businessman #1: Yeah.

Businessman #2: Oh, gosh, is it noon?

Waitress: Yeah.

Businessman #1: Thank you, thank you.

Businessman #3: Oh I gotta get to that conference.

[all rise, tip the table, break their glasses, and stagger away]


Submitted by: Ed Roske


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