Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6






04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Tina Fey
.....Amy Poehler
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.....Darrell Hammond
Janitor.....Maya Rudolph
Dan Schwarz.....Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update," with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, Bill Clinton’s presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas, was officially opened, during a ceremony attended by dignitaries like Jesse Jackson, John Glenn, and the cast of “Desperate Housewives.” [picture of First Ladies Rosalynn Carter, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barbara Bush and Laura Bush]

The Clinton Library contains over eighty million pages of documents, and will have one alcove dedicated to the Lewinsky scandal, just like the Oval Office did.

Amy Poehler: President Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice as his new Secretary of State this week, saying that she would be “America’s face to the world.” While Cheney will remain the finger.

When asked why he chose Rice to replace Colin Powell, the president responded, “Well, once you go black…” [applause]

Tina Fey: Hooray!

Advertisers launched a campaign this week to amend the Constitution so that foreign-born citizens can run for President. Here to defend the ads, the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[pan to Arnold; applause]

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hello Tina, Amy. Trust me when I say this, nothing I love more than the Constitution of the United States of America, what with the We the Peoples, and the more perfect unions, and the domestic tranquilities, and all of these things. But the Constitution as it is written now says I can’t be president, because I was born in Austria. This may have made sense- [clears his throat] in the days of the kings, and the ships, and the girly men with the wigs, and the wooden teeth out there.

Tina Fey: Yeah, but- but don’t you think it’s a little bit reckless to change the Constitution?

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Tina, so what that I’m Austrian? I mean, Tom Arnold was born in America. Do you want him to be your president? No! My friends, the time has come for change. The Constitution has changed many times! You know, what with the Indians, and the slaveries, and the telling the ladies they can vote, and the not being able to drinkings, and things of that nature.

I mean, if the Constitution hadn’t changed, then the Condoleezza Rices and the Colin Powells wouldn’t be allowed to do the votings and the drinking out there. Listen, listen to me, the change has been important in America! You know, with the riotings, and the front of the buses, and the havings of the dreams, and all of these things.

And now it’s time for change again, so we can allow the natural progression of freedoms, from the blacks, to the womens, to the gays, to the Austrians out there. I know what a lot of you are thinking. “This man’s from the future! He means us harm out there”—

Tina Fey: Yes, ac- actually, that is what I was thinking.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Trust me, Tina, when I say to you, that was just a role I played in a movie. And furthermore, that was not even a man from the future, that was a robot from the future! So you can throw that whole argument into the garbage. But one thing I will never throw into the garbage is the Constitution, because I’m the Constitutionator! [laughs]

Tina Fey: Future President Arnold Schwarzenegger, everyone! [applause]

Amy Poehler: The Constitutionator!

Pfizer has agreed to pull its “Wild Thing” Viagra television ads Monday after the FDA complained that they made the impotence drug sound like a recreational sex aide, and not the preferred form of grandma abuse that it is.

They’ve also decided—[cracks up] Pfizer has also decided to drop the idea of changing the name of the drug to “Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.”

During his acceptance speech at the American Music Awards, OutKast’s Big Boi paid tribute to former Wu-Tang Clan member Ol’ Dirty Bastard. And that’s this week’s Story That Won’t Make Sense to my Mom.

Hi Mom!

Tina Fey: Yeah, Amy’s mom!

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

With U.S. forces securing the insurgent stronghold of Fallujah this week, violence broke out in other cities, including Mosul and Detroit. [video of brawl at Pistons-Pacers game]

Amy Poehler: Wow!

The University of Great Falls in Montana has received a 2.3-million- dollar donation from the will of a former janitor at the school. So see, everybody, janitors do like being ignored while emptying your trash basket.

[Janitor enters, rolling a large trash can with her. She quietly empties two smaller wastepaper baskets under the desk into the can. Tina and Amy avoid eye contact. As the janitor exits, they suddenly call out to her]

Thank you! Thank you!

Tina Fey: Oh, thank you so much! Thank you so much!

Amy Poehler: Thank you.

Tina Fey: [laughs] William Safire, the conservative voice at the New York Times, announced that he will stop writing his Op- Ed column in January. Upon hearing the news, fellow columnist Maureen Dowd said, [removes her glasses, sighs, and speaks in a sultry voice] “That’s really…interesting…” [puts her glasses back on]

Amy Poehler: It was revealed this week that David Lee Roth has been training in New York to become an EMT. It’s not going well. [picture of David in his Van Halen outfit jumping out of an ambulance] Lee Roth, he’s jumpin’ outta the back of the ambulance!

Amtrak conductors have begun random checks of passengers’ identities as a precaution against terrorist attacks. Great news, because Amtrak is still my favorite way to travel. [begins to sing] Amtrak, America’s way to travel with weed! [some applause]

Tina Fey: American Airlines has begun offering passengers on- demand movies. Unfortunately, they no longer offer flights. [some applause] One or the other.

Amy Poehler: The holiday season officially kicks off next weekend with what is traditionally the biggest shopping day of the year. Here to talk about some of this year’s hot new toys is Dan Schwarz of the American Toy Manufacturer’s Association. Dan?

[pan to Dan; applause]

Dan Schwarz: Thank you. Hello Amy and Tina, it’s great to be here. Now look, I’m just a big kid at heart, and I can’t wait to show you my favorite toys from this year!

Amy Poehler: Oh, there’s some pretty good ones out this year, isn’t there?

Dan Schwarz: Absolutely. And now, one toy that I’m really excited about is this, OK? [holds up a small toy] This is called Bump- It. OK, it’s kinda like Simon, but with a wacky twist. Check it out!

[starts the toy. It calls out commands, such as “Bump it!” and “Twist it!” Dan follows these commands]

Amy Poehler: Cool!

Dan Schwarz: Alright, why don’t you give it a try, Amy? C’mon, it’s a lot of fun.

Amy Poehler: OK! Alright.

Dan Schwarz: Just do what it says.

[Amy starts the toy and follows the commands.]

You’re really good, Amy!

Tina Fey: Good!

Amy Poehler: Thanks!

[the toy calls out “Pull it!” repeatedly]

Is it- is it supposed to do that?

Dan Schwarz: It might be stuck or something. Let me see it. [handles the toy for a moment, then gives it back to Amy] Try it again.

[Amy continues to pull on the toy. It begins to cry, “Ooh! Yes! Pull it!” Amy puts the toy down]

Amy Poehler: Oh, alright! Hold on! [The toy stops. Applause]

Tina Fey: That looks fun.

Amy Poehler: No. I don’t think—it sounded like it said “Oh yeah,” or something like that. I don’t think it’s supposed to do that, ‘cause I don’t like that.

Dan Schwarz: OK. Well, maybe it’s broken. Let me- let me give it a little try over here. Here we go.

[starts the machine, but it calls out “No! No!”]

Amy Poehler: OK, alright.

Dan Schwarz: It’s not working. I don’t know—

Amy Poehler: Yeah, OK. This is the most popular toy? What is fun about this?

[pulls on the toy again. It shouts “Pull it! Yes! Like that!” louder and louder until it ends in a final orgasmic moan. Amy puts the toy down again]

That is gross! Got out of here, you pervert! God! For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]


Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo


SNL Transcripts