Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7











04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Key Party

Kathy.....Amy Poehler
Ted.....Seth Meyers
Owen.....Colin Farrell
Carol.....Horatio Sanz
Cheyenne.....Maya Rudolph
Victor.....Fred Armisen
Loretta.....Rachel Dratch
Leslie.....Chris Parnell
John George Peppers.....Will Forte
Missy Peppers.....Tina Fey

[open on exterior of home with Christmas decorations]

[dissolve to interior with a large group of people, and a glass bowl on a table in the center of the room]

Kathy: [laughs] Okay, everyone, gather around. I think it's time that we start this key party.

Ted: Okay, I want to talk through the rules one more time. All the men will put their keys in the bowl, and then the women will pick a set, we'll break into pairs, and I think you know what happens then.

Kathy: Yeah. There are three bedrooms open upstairs, an air bed in the den, and an upside-down kiddie pool in the garage.

Ted: And try to keep it down, because Kathy's mom is upstairs, and she is sleeping.

Kathy: Yup.

Owen: [aside to Carol] You know what, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

Carol: [aside to Owen with ungainly, blaring voice used throughout skit] Don't get cold feet now, honey. We talked about this. Our love is strong enough for us to share our love and our bodies with others.

Ted: Now, I know all of you by your online chat room names, but maybe it's best if we run through our real names one more time.

Cheyenne: Cheyenne.

Victor: Victor.

Loretta: Loretta.

Leslie: Leslie.

John: John George Peppers.

Missy: Missy Peppers. [speaking through clenched teeth and with a slight speech impediment, used throughout the skit]

Owen: Owen.

Carol: Carol.

Ted: And I'm Ted, and this is my wife Kathy. And I must say, I'm very happy with tonight's turnout. The fear has always been that a bunch of freaks are going to show up to these things.

Kathy: Yeah, it's a really good group tonight, you guys. Great sexual energy.

Carol: I forgot everybody's names. Let's do the list again.

Cheyenne: Cheyenne.

Victor: Victor.

Loretta: Loretta.

Leslie: Les-lah.

John: John George Peppers.

Missy: Missy Peppers.

Owen: Owen.

Carol: Carol.

Ted: And I'm Ted, and this is Kathy. Now, we were very clear on the e-vite that everyone needed to come up with a safe word.

Kathy: Yeah, a safe word is just in case you're in the middle of sex play or a scenario that's making you uncomfortable and you want to stop.

Ted: So before we pair off, let's go once and say our safe words.

Cheyenne: Parachute.

Victor: Nunchucks.

Loretta: Razzmatazz.

Leslie: Filibuster.

John: John George Peppers.

Missy: Popcorn.

Owen: Submarine.

Carol: Supercagifragilisticexpealidocious. [sic]

Ted: Mine is "more."

Kathy: And mine is "harder."

[Ted and Kathy laugh]

Ted: We're just kidding. We do not have safe words.

Kathy: No, there's nothing you can do to me that can make me feel uncomfortable.

Ted: Trust me, I've tried. I love you. [hugs her]

Owen: [aside to Carol] Baby, I don't think this is such a good idea.

Carol: [aside to Owen] But I want to do this! I think it will be good for our relationship, because I love you, and I want to learn how to do other things to you.

Owen: [aside to Carol] Come on, let's just go home. I'll light some candles, I'll slip you out of that girdle, flip on "The Jimmy Kimmel Show," and our bodies will become one, baby.

Carol: [aside to Owen] But I want to do this. [to all] Oh, boy! The safe words made me forget your real names. Tell me again.

Cheyenne: Cheyenne.

Victor: Victor.

Loretta: Loretta.

Leslie: Les-lie.

John: John George Peppers.

Missy: Missy Peppers.

Owen: Owen.

Carol: Carol.

Ted: And I'm Ted, and this is Kathy.

Carol: Oh, boy. Now I forgot the safe words again. Say them!

Cheyenne: Parachute.

Victor: Nunchucks.

Loretta: Razzmatazz.

Leslie: Fie-la-booster.

John: John George Peppers.

Missy: Popcorn. [crosses her fists in front of her chest]

Owen: Submarine.

Carol: Superfragalasticisticespalabanocious. [sic]

Ted: And we don't use them.

Kathy: No, do your worst.

Carol: I want to go first, 'cause I want to have sex with a stranger.

Owen: Baby, wait. Wait. [while Owen speaks, carol touches his face tenderly] When I married you, I knew I was the luckiest bastard on the face of the Earth. And I swore I would do whatever it takes to make you happy. And if that means you need to do this, well, all I can ask is that you promise me you won't fall in love with anyone else!

Carol: No can do! [pushes Owen onto the couch] Give me all the keys! [picks up the bowl of keys and lifts one set] Ew! These are yours! [throws them at Owen] Come on, everybody! [barrels up the stairs]

Kathy: [brightly] Oh, it's an orgy!

Carol: It's an orgy!

[everybody but Owen and Missy follow Carol upstairs]

Owen: [rests his head glumly on the banister, and then looks at Missy, tosses his keys in the air and catches them] Well, why not? Do you want to move to the couch? [puts an arm around Missy]

Missy: Popcorn! Popcorn! [crosses her fists in front of her chest while pulling away from Owen]

[fade to black]


Submitted by: DavidK93


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