Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7

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04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Tina Fey
.....Amy Poehler
.....Brett Hull
.....Lindsay Lohan
.....Colin Farrell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update," with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories:

Donald Rumsfeld visited troops in Kuwait this week, and when specialist Thomas Wilson asked why they had to dig through landfills to find scrap metal to uparmor their vehicles, Rumsfeld had this to say:

[video of Rumsfeld speaking in Kuwait]

Donald Rumsfeld: If you think about it, you can have all the armor in the world on a tank, uh, and a tank can be blown up.

Tina Fey: Now Merry Christmas, suckers! Oy.

According to his own Grand Jury testimony, New York Yankees player Jason Giambi injected himself with Human Growth Hormone in 2003, and also used steroids for at least three seasons. Although apparently, not the kind that make you good at baseball.

I don’t know, I don’t watch baseball.

Amy Poehler: Former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, who was President Bush’s nominee to be the next Homeland Security chief, abruptly withdrew his name from the nomination on Friday. So President Bush stubbornly insists on going back to his original choice: Superman.

This past Tuesday marked the first night of misspelling “Chanukah.” [graphic of a menorah with a caption that reads “Chanugah”]

Tina Fey: In preparation for his child molestation trial, investigators took a DNA sample by swabbing Michael Jackson’s mouth on Saturday. Then, out of habit, Jackson gave the investigators twelve million dollars in hush money.

Amy Poehler: The NHL hockey lockout continues, and may end up causing the entire season to be cancelled. Here to talk about it, from the Phoenix Coyotes, Brett Hull.

[pan to Brett; applause]

Brett Hull: Hi! Thanks for having me.

Amy Poehler: Thank you! Thanks for being here, Brett. You are arguably the best player in the NHL today.

Brett Hull: Oh, I don’t know about that. As they say, there’s no, uh, “I” in team. But as I say, uh, there’s no team without I. I’m just kidding! Hi guys.

Amy Poehler: Well it must be, uh, breaking your heart to miss a whole season.

Brett Hull: No doubt, Amy. I really miss playing, and scoring goals in air hockey just isn’t the same.

Amy Poehler: Th- Tell me about it, yeah, I know. So, do you think the NHL—[some laughter] do you think the NHL will be able to regain popularity after a year off?

Brett Hull: I think so. I mean, with the basketball riots, the steroids in baseball, I think hockey’s looking classier all the time.

Amy Poehler: Very true. Brett, you’re Canadian. What do you think of this new gay marriage law passing in Canada?

Brett Hull: Well, that’s what happens in Canada when there’s no hockey. [applause] Guys, guys have more time to hang out, talk about their feelings. Next thing you know, they’re in love with each other. I’ve got nothing against it, but I’d rather be playing hockey.

Amy Poehler: You heard it here first, folks. Brett Hull would rather play hockey than marry a dude. Brett Hull, everybody! [applause]

Tina Fey: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have pledged to help stop abuses at overseas sweatshops producing their clothing line, although the twins say they know from personal experience that three-year-olds have more than enough energy to work an 18-hour day. [photo of the Olsens as toddlers] Aw, look how cute they were!

Amy Poehler: A little tired!

[picture of Hamid Karzai wearing his famous hat] This week, in a historic ceremony, interim prime minister Hamid Karzai was sworn in as Afghanistan’s first democratically-elected hat model. [laughs at her joke] Nice hat!

The Anti-Defamation League is upset with Bill O’Reilly for suggesting to a Jewish caller on his syndicated radio show that if he is offended by Christian attempts to convert him, he should go to Israel. Then he asked the caller what he was wearing.

Tina Fey: Oh, thank you for reminding me. Hey Bill, remember that time you used to call that lady that worked for you and, uh, tell her you wanted to rub soap on her boobs? And uh, and then you told her you had a big penis, but if you really had a big penis you wouldn’t have to tell people, they would just see that. Aw man, remember when you did that? I do.

[cut to graphic; applause]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Don’t forget Bill O’Reilly is disgusting.”

Tina Fey: Andy Slater, Rick Floyd, and Bobby Wooderson are suing filmmaker Richard Linklater for defamation, for using their names for three stoner characters in his 1993 movie “Dazed and Confused.” The three may not have much of a case, though, since they apparently watched the movie for eleven years without recognizing their own names.

Amy Poehler: This week, Jay-Z was named president of the Def Jam record label. Sorry, John Kerry.

Tina Fey: The Christmas season is a time for giving and giving back to your community, and that’s why Amy and I have joined the Teen Mentoring Program of America. Please welcome the young girl we have been assigned to mentor, Lindsay Lohan.

[Lindsay enters and sits between Tina and Amy; applause]

Hi! Hi Lindsay.

Amy Poehler: Hi Lindsay! Lindsay, we are very worried about you, OK? What’s going on?

Lindsay Lohan: Nothing. Everything’s great.

Tina Fey: Are you eating?

Lindsay Lohan: Yeah, I’m eating.

Tina Fey: OK, ‘cause you know what, [grabbing Lindsay’s right arm] these are Mischa Barton arms, yeah. And I don’t like that. I think Lindsay Lohan should have Lindsay Lohan arms.

Lindsay Lohan: I- I’ve just been really busy working on my movie, “Herbie,” and my album, “Speak.”

Amy Poehler: OK, let’s talk about this album.

Tina Fey: You are a very good singer.

Amy Poehler: That is true. You have a lovely voice, but you are such a good actress. I don’t want to hear that you’re neglecting your acting!

Lindsay Lohan: Amy, I’m not neglecting my acting. I mean, a lot of actors my age have albums. Everyone’s doing it!

Amy Poehler: If Hillary Duff jumped off a bridge, would you want to do that too?

Lindsay Lohan: No, duh.

Amy Poehler: Duh? Duh? Is “duh” a word?

Lindsay Lohan: I- I didn’t mean “duh,” I just meant everything is fine.

Tina Fey: Mm-hmm. Now you’ve been wearing a lot of low-cut blouses lately—

Lindsay Lohan: Tina, nobody says “blouses.”

Tina Fey: Fine. Low cut tops, whatever the kids say, alright? So now I’m gonna ask you one more time: are those things real?

Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God! Yes!

Tina Fey: Because when people ask me if they’re real, I always tell them yes, and I would hate for you to be making a liar out of me, Lindsay.

Amy Poehler: Because people ask us a lot.

Lindsay Lohan: OK, you know what? Stop it, you guys are embarrassing me. Besides, I’m not sure you two are the best mentors for me anyway.

[Tina and Amy gasp in astonishment]

Because Tina, you admitted to me that you used to have sex with a guy ‘cause you thought he would help you get into movies.

Tina Fey: Yes, but that was before Fandango made everything so easy! [some applause]

Lindsay Lohan: OK, I mean, and Amy, you’re drunk right now.

Amy Poehler: How dare you! I am!

Lindsay Lohan: Listen, I love you guys, but I gotta go.

Amy Poehler: OK, wait. Where are you going?

Lindsay Lohan: I don’t know. I’m just gonna go to Colin’s dressing room and say hi.

Tina and Amy: No, no, no.

Amy Poehler: Young lady, no. You go home, and you go right to bed.

Lindsay Lohan: Fine. I will see you guys in church tomorrow.

Tina Fey: OK.

Amy Poehler: Right here, please. [Lindsay kisses both Tina and Amy on the cheek]

Tina Fey: Thank you.

Amy Poehler: Thank you. Wait wait wait, where are you really going?

Lindsay Lohan: Marquee.

Amy Poehler: What is that, like, a club? Is that a cool place, or—

Lindsay Lohan: Yeah, it’s a club, and actually it’s really fun.

Amy Poehler: So you’ll probably be dancing ‘til six in the morning, and making out with 25-year-old underwear models?

Lindsay Lohan: I don’t know, maybe.

Amy Poehler: [pauses for a moment] Take us with you! Please!

Lindsay Lohan: Guys! I can’t take you guys with me.

Tina Fey: Fine. Lindsay Lohan, everybody. [applause]

Amy Poehler: Get outta here.

Tina Fey: Our teen mentee, Lindsay Lohan!

Amy Poehler: We’re good role models!

NASA officials were alarmed to learn this week that the food supply on the International Space Station has almost run out. Though neither astronaut on the station could explain where all the food has gone, NASA officials have their suspicions. [picture of an overweight astronaut]

Tina Fey: It was reported that Mel Gibson is buying a private 5000-acre island in Fiji for fifteen million dollars. Not having any Jews around: priceless.

Amy Poehler: While boarding a flight in Africa, members of 50 Cent’s [pronounced “fiddy cent’s”] entourage—[interrupted by audience laughter] That’s how you say it! Members of 50 Cent’s entourage—[more laughter] Is that funny? I should just stop the joke right here.

Members of 50 Cent’s entourage got into a fight with a Nigerian rapper after he tried to sit in a seat reserved for 50 Cent. On the plus side, the terrorists on board were all too scared to try anything.

Actually, Tina, you know I think I know how this fight started. [as a member of the entourage] Hey, that seat is 50 Cent’s!

Tina Fey: [as the Nigerian] Uh, I only have a dollar.

Amy Poehler: No, no, no. That seat is 50 Cent’s!

Tina Fey: Do you have change?

Amy Poehler: No, no, I ain’t hearin’ nothing. The seat you’re sittin’ in belongs to 50 Cent.

Tina Fey: I already paid the lady for the ticket! This is ludicrous!

Amy Poehler: Aw, no, no. I’m Ludacris! And it’s on now!

[Tina and Amy awkwardly punch each other and shoot off fake guns. After a moment, they bow to the audience. Cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Professional magician The Amazing Randy has promised one million dollars to anyone who can prove supernatural powers or phenomena really exist. I think it’s a supernatural phenomenon when a magician named The Amazing Randy has a million dollars!

Amy Poehler: The Supreme Court ruled Monday that members of the Ku Klux Klan cannot protest in New York City wearing their hoods and they must show their faces, because New Yorkers like to see who they’re punching. [applause]

A teenage girl- A teenage girl recently found a twenty-pound brick of marijuana while cleaning up a Pennsylvania beach. And here’s the awesome part of the story: I’ve adopted her! [applause]

Tina Fey: Our host this week, Colin Farrell, is the star of the new Oliver Stone big-budget epic “Alexander.” Much of the attention around the film has centered on Alexander the Great’s sexuality. Here to comment is Colin Farrell.

[pan to Colin; applause]

Colin Farrell: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. I’m very proud of “Alexander.” It’s an honest, multifaceted portrayal of one of the greatest figures of the ancient world. And yet, all anyone seems to talk about is how this guy liked men as well as women. He’s so much more than that!

I mean, this is a man who was able to take a group of fresh-faced young boys and whip them into one of the greatest armies the world has ever seen. And it’s not like it was that easy to get these guys to go off and follow him. As everyone knows, it’s very hard to get Greek men to leave their brothers behind. So he looked all over Greece, and found men who were anxious to leave home because they didn’t like the way they were being reared.

Tina Fey: Th- This is fascinating. And during this whole time, the Greeks were constantly being attacked by the Persian army, right?

Colin Farrell: Yes, that’s right, and the Persians were strong, manly fighters. But Alexander managed to beat off the entire Persian army.

Amy Poehler: Amazing, amazing. And yet, all people can talk about is that he mighta been gay!

Colin Farrell: Sad, isn’t it? I mean, he united all of Greece, and got them to fight together as a nation.

Amy Poehler: So he used Greece to beat off the men of the Persian army?

Colin Farrell: Yes he did, Amy. Without Greece, the job of beating off the entire Persian army would’ve been much harder. I mean, this way he can finish them off quicker.

Tina Fey: That- that’s true. I know that, ‘cause I’m Greek. So, what was a typical battle like for Alexander?

Colin Farrell: Well, his preference was always to take the Persians from behind.

Amy Poehler: Of course, sure.

Colin Farrell: Alexander would use his troops to form a long phalanx, and then he would spread their flanks and ram the head of the phalanx into the Persian rear. And then his master stroke—you’ll like this, Amy—unknown to the Persians, Alexander would hide an entire battalion of the Greek navy inside the phalanx.

Amy Poehler: Really? Wow.

Colin Farrell: Yes. So finally, after pounding away for hours and hours, a raging torrent of Greek seamen would erupt into the Persian rear.

Tina Fey: Amazing. And all we Americans care about is the fact that he may have had sex with a man! We’re so provincial, unbelievable. Colin Farrell, everybody!

[Applause; Colin distracts Tina for a moment]

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler…and this is Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]


Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo


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