Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 8






04h: Robert De Niro / Destiny's Child

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Tina Fey
.....Amy Poehler
Rob Riggle.....Leviticus
Brad Scheinwald.....Seth Meyers
Abe Scheinwald.....Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: Hi I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: and I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, an investigation began probing into ethnical breeches committed by former Homeland Security Secretary nominee Bernard Kerik. In addition to employee an illegal nanny, there are reports of extra marital liaisons, ties to the mob, and unpaid condo fees. Wow! All that and bald with a mustache! Sign me up!

It was reported that while at the White House Christmas party, first daughter Barbara Bush smashed her head on the dance floor when a friend she was dancing with dipped her too low. That friend, Captain Morgan. (Captain Morgan is added to the picture of Barbara Bush as well as a red mustache and beard to Barbara’s face)

Tina Fey: Beginning in January, Senator Zell Miller will be a contributor to programs on Fox News Channel by day (in a creepy voice) and an assassin for hire by night! Thank you, sir.

At his annual physical Sunday, President Bush found out he’s gained six pounds since last year and he’s pledged to lose the weight as soon as possible. So finding Osama Bin Laden will get pushed even further down on the Presidents to-do list. (A ‘To-Do List’ is shown that says ‘1. Lose 6 Pounds; 2. Fight Iran; 3. Find Bin-Laden')

Amy Poehler: Various anti-Bush groups plan to protest his inauguration by lining the streets and turning their backs on his motorcade. But you know that’s not gonna work cuz he’s just gonna get out to see what they’re all looking at.

Tina Fey: A new book The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln claims that Lincoln was gay. The most compelling evidence, a recently discovered, early draft of the Gettysburg Address that starts (Tina snaps her fingers once after she says each word) "Listen up, bitches." So excited about the snapping!

Amy Poehler: The issue of religion in the work place has become an increasingly contentious one. Here to discuss it is Weekend Update’s favorite street prophet, Leviticus.

Leviticus: Thank you very much, Tina. Thank you, Amy. I’d like you all now to join me in a quick prayer.

(Tina and Amy oblige as he stands up and begins to literally scream his prayer)

LORD!! Hear me now! Help me to crush the wicked into a fine powder! Allow my hands to become some sort of, I don’t know, stabbing weapon, or slicing weapon so that I may destroy these legions of evil! At least give me the power of flight Jesus, or the ability to become invisible so that I may sneak up on the demons and snap their reptilian necks! LORD!! Help me to help you! WOOOOOH! Ah man! That felt good! Yes!

Tina Fey: Thank you Leviticus, but you know, that right there might be why people are a little uncomfortable with religion in the work place.

Leviticus: Point taken, Ms. Fey. Allow me to try again.

(He stands up and puts one of his feet on the desk with his elbow on that knee and a Bible in that hand. He starts screaming again)

LORD!! Hear me know! Help me to deliver your message to ALL the people of the world whether they be man, woman, child, black, white, green, yellow, striped or polka-dotted. And that message is this… You’re all gonna die! Think about that! (He takes his foot off the desk and just stands) I’m talking the lake of fire! (Opens the Bible) According to the Book of Jobs, chapter 12, verse 200 and he spake, “And the wicked shall backstroke in the fiery depths of hell!” WOOOOOH! *He makes a weird noise with his tongue and pretends to shoot of a bazooka gun and then pretends to blow the smoke from his Bible* Ya’ll just been blown away by the word! And it don’t cost NOTHING!

Tina Fey: Amy, where did you find this guy?

Amy Poehler: He delivered my futon and I thought he was interesting.

Tina Fey: All right, thanks Leviticus, thanks for stopping by.

Leviticus: (He walks between where Tina and Amy are sitting) No, no, no, no! Thank you! I want to say one more thing before I leave… (He puts his hands on their head)* LORD!! Hear me know! Please help these two FILTHY streetwalkers with their lustful addictions for sex and their insatiable thirst for alcohol, which we all know comes from the flaming teeth of Satan!

Amy Poehler: All right! Get out of here, Leviticus!

Leviticus: Persecutors!! Persecutors!! (He makes the weird noise with his tongue again)

Tina Fey: Leviticus, everyone!

Leviticus: You’re all gonna die!!

Tina Fey: It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie "Revolver." Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

Amy Poehler: Mike Tyson, this week, completed 100 hours of community service coaching kids a Brooklyn gym. “I’m so glad the 100 hours is up and now I can relax and get on with my life,” said one of the kids.

This week in Germany, an 81-year-old man was robbed when two young women asked him to join them in a nude photo shoot, and then fled with the man's wallet as he stripped. Afterwards, the women felt badly and almost returned the wallet, but then Tina was like, “Screw it, let's go buy shoes.”

Tina Fey: Barbra Streisand had surgery this week to remove a benign polyp discovered during a routine colonoscopy. Doctors described the polyp as "opinionated."

Amy Poehler: Fox is launching a new reality series called ‘Who’s Your Daddy?’…Yeah… in which an adopted woman must figure out which of eight men is her biological father. Then she must marry him.

Tina Fey: 2004 was the year of the independent movie, with a new batch of well crafted, inde. hits coming to the fore. Here to talk about this trend is film producer Brad Scheinwald.

Brad Scheinwald: Thank you! Thank you all so much! Thank you Tina! 2004 was an exciting year for American cinema. The inde. film trend was so… (He is interrupted his grandfather who enters with a huge bucket of coleslaw that he is eating)

Abe Scheinwald: AHH! Hold it right there! Why are you lettin’ this kid tell you about pictures?

Brad Scheinwald: Grandpa, I thought I told to wait in the dressing room.

Abe Scheinwald: I got kicked out for eating all of Destiny Child's deli platter.

Tina Fey: Who’s this?

Brad Scheinwald: This is my grandfather and founder of Scheinwald Studios, Abe Scheinwald.

Abe Scheinwald: I’ve made over 51 pictures including, "Cheerleader Zombie’s of Stararidy Road", "Japanese Bikini Squad: Kill Kill", "The Chimp and the Pimp 1, 2, 3, and 5", and "N.I.T."

Tina Fey: "N.I.T."?

Abe Scheinwald: Nipple Institute of Technology.

Brad Scheinwald: The thing is Pops, I’m trying to move Scheinwald Pictures in a more intelligent direction, the direction more films took this year.

Abe Scheinwald: Ah! Name one!

Brad Scheinwald: All right, fine, an incredible film, "Sideways." A story of two friends driving wine country and…

Abe Scheinwald: Ahh! If you wanna sit through a road movie about two guys drinkin booze, rent the Abe Scheinwald classic mighty pick "Scooch 'n Mondo Take Daytona Beach."

Brad Scheinwald: Okay, how about the film "Kinsey"?

Abe Scheinwald: Ahh! I went to see this picture because I heard it was about a sex doctor who did experiments on people. What a let down!! If you want an erotic thriller, try the Scheinwald hit "The Curious Dr. Hump."

Brad Scheinwald: "Napoleon Dynamite."

Abe Scheinwald: A guy with big hair in an explosion.

Brad Scheinwald: "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"!!

Abe Scheinwald: Eternal-what of the Hotty-where.

Tina Fey: So there was nothing worth seeing this year?

Brad Scheinwald: Please Tina, don’t let me Grandfather change the way you think about movies!

Abe Scheinwald: Don’t listen to this one! This one wanted to make a movie about the misadventures of a blind guy! I thought I liked it better the first time when it was called "Mr. Magoo"!

Brad Scheinwald: It was "Ray", the Ray Charles story. We passed on "Ray."

(Abe Scheinwald sets his coleslaw down and makes ‘thumbs downs’ while making spitting noises)

Tina Fey: Aw… Brad and Abe Scheinwald everybody.

Amy Poehler: Many people at the Noble Peace Prize Concert were upset when Tom Cruise plugged his controversial religion of Scientology saying, “I’m just proud to be here and very proud to be a Scientologist.” Observers say Cruise might have done more for his religion if he hadn’t started the speech with the phrase (in an alien voice) “People of earth…”

Tina Fey: Sodom, the world’s first known piece of printed pornography, described as the Quintessence of Debauchery, has been sold at auction for 89,000 dollars to one very fancy masturbator. (Shows a picture of a fat naked man with a top hat on)

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was voted the video game of the year at the Spike TV Video Game Awards. Once again, the worst video game of the year went to John Madden’s Irregularly Shaped Mole Hunt. It’s the worst!

Amy Poehler: A state trooper in Oklahoma, who had pulled over a delivery truck, found 600 pounds of marijuana, hidden in four coffins. Or so starts the math section of Snoop Dogg's new SAT prep book.

For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!


Submitted by: Margaret Edwards


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