Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 15th, 2005

Topher Grace

The Killers

None

None

John Lutz

Jason Sudeikis

JB Smoove

Paula Pell

Liz Cackowski

White House Press Conference
Summary: President George W. Bush's (Will Forte) questions are fielded by former presidents Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and George Bush, Sr. (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George Bush.

Transcript


Montage


Topher Grace's Monologue
Summary: When Topher Grace receives the dumb-questions-from-studio-audience treatment, he thinks he's being 'punked.

Recurring Characters: Terrell, Terrell' Wife.

Bio: Topher Grace (1978-). Actor; his first acting role was as Eric Forman on "That 70's Show", 1998-2006; his real first name is Christopher, but he changed it because he didn't like being nicknamed "Chris".

Transcript


Trucker Talk
Summary: While on the road, truckers discuss the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston break-up over their CB radios.

Recurring Characters: Skeeter.

Transcript


Martin Luther King Day
Summary: Lazy black paramedics (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell) refuse to work on their special day.

Transcript


CBS Evening Fraudulent Document Update
Summary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) apologizes for a series of fraudulent documents he had errantly reproted as fact.

Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Transcript


Beaver Ranch
Summary: Tyler (Topher Grace) loses his virginity to elderly prostitute, Dot (Rachel Dratch), and learns a valuable life lesson.


The Killers perform "Somebody Told Me"
Bio: Alternative rock group; members: vocal/keyboardist Brandon Flowers, guitarist David Keuning, bassist Mark Stoermer, and drummer Ronnie Vannucci.

Also Performed: 06a.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: In honor of Martin Luther King Day, Weekend Update recognizes the fictional Cliff (Kenan Thompson) and Clair Huxtable (Maya Rudolph) as positive role models in the African-American community.

Transcript


Artsy Apartment
Summary: Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) - whose names are the same but have different pronunciations - show off the weird furniture in their apartment to their neighbors (Topher Grace, Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.

Transcript


Hardball
Summary: Zell Miller (Will Forte) yells about the tsunamis.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Howard Dean, Zell Miller.


The Not So Incredible Adventures Of The Down And Out Dollar
Summary: After a drop in value, the dollar bill (Amy Poehler) takes a lot of flak from the foreign currencies she once dominated over.

Transcript


The Killers perform "Mr. Brightside"


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Doctor's Office
Summary: A young doctor (Topher Grace) acts immature while discussing heart surgery with his patients (Chris Parnell, Maya Rudolph).


Bear City
Summary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.


One Night Stand
Summary: Man (Topher Grace) and woman (Amy Poehler) try to make small talk the next morning after their one night stand.


Gibson Studios
Summary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) records various A&E show promos.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Jason Bateman.


Bear City
Summary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.


Rafael Alonzo's I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute
Summary: Rafael Alonzo (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.



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