04i: Topher Grace / The Killers
Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Cliff Huxtable.....Kenan Thompson
Clair Huxtable.....Maya Rudolph
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update," with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Last night on “20/20,” Barbara Walters interviewed President Bush and
his wife at the White House on the eve of his second inauguration, and
like all of her interviews, Walters did not shy away from the
[video of Barbara and President Bush in the Oval Office]
Barbara Walters: Are you a cat person or a dog person?
Tina Fey: [laughing] Are you a cat person or a dog person!
Of course, with President Bush, the questions don’t need to be
difficult to seem difficult.
Barbara Walters: What three words most describe your state of
President George W. Bush: [pensive] Excited…hopeful…and
Tina Fey: You know he wanted to say “9/11,” but he couldn’t
figure out how many words that was.
Amy Poehler: Also this week, the press had a field day when
Prince Harry attended a costume party wearing a Nazi uniform. The
headline of Britain’s newspaper The Sun was “Harry the Nazi,”
the New York Post headline was “Royal Nazi,” while the Aryan
News went with “Lookin’ Good!”
Tina Fey: Now while news organizations around the world devoted
hours to discussing the photo of Prince Harry and his Nazi costume, we
here at “Weekend Update” have obtained a videotape of the event from a
young woman in London who attended the party, named Alison Jackson.
Now this is pretty damning stuff, but take a look.
[video shows Prince Harry dancing, while other partygoers turn away
from him, disgusted. One other man is shown in blackface]
Amy Poehler V/O: Oh boy. Oh!
Tina Fey V/O: What party is this?
Amy Poehler V/O: A really inappropriate costume party.
[Another man dressed as a Klan member shakes Harry’s hand. His mask
is removed, revealing himself to be Prince William]
Tina Fey V/O: Prince William! That’s not gonna go over well.
[Prince Harry makes out with a woman dressed as Adolf Hitler, complete
with mustache. The video ends]
Tina Fey: You know, kids are kids. What are you going to do?
Amy Poehler: You had some bad choices made at that party!
Tina Fey: It’s like every party I ever went to.
[graphic of a torn up Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston photo] In
entertainment news, if these two are tired of having sex with each
other, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Back to you, Freak Show.
Amy Poehler: On a similar note, I don’t know if you had
anything to do with this, but you better watch yourself, Angelina
Jolie, OK? ‘Cause you are too sexy to be trusted. You’re a black
widow spider, Jolie. OK? Stay away from me and my husbands.
Tina Fey: H- husbands? Plural?
Amy Poehler: Yeah. And don’t think you’re gonna come here,
Jolie, with your long legs and your Mohawk baby, and try to steal my
fake news “Update” TV wife, ‘cause I will cut you. I will stab you in
one of your very sexy tattoos. So watch it.
Tina Fey: Thank you, I feel loved.
Amy Poehler: Yeah! [applause]
Tina Fey: Thank you. Yeah, watch out, Angelina.
Amy Poehler: Watch out!
Tina Fey: This week, Mr. Blackwell released his annual Worst
Dressed List. It features Nicolette Sheridan, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica
Simpson, and several other women Mr. Blackwell would like to be.
Amy Poehler: This week, the nation’s top food manufacturers
announced they will start trying to appeal to parents worried about
their children’s weight. Some of the new items include Hershey’s
Syrup enriched with calcium, reduced-sugar Cocoa Puffs, and exercise-
Tina Fey: Homeland Security director Tom Ridge announced this
week a new program at JFK Airport that would use high-tech eye
scanners to speed pre-registered passengers through security and
customs checkpoints. Passengers will place their eye on the scanner,
and then wait for an automated voice to say, “Yo, look straight
ahead. How you expect me to see yo’ nasty-lookin’ eyeball if you
don’t look straight ahead? You deaf o’ somethin,’ dang!”
Amy Poehler: Boy!
A German brothel owner has announced that she’s donating part of her
earnings from clients to the tsunami relief efforts. It’s in keeping
with her philosophy, “Think global, screw local.”
Tina Fey: It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all
twelve of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A
spokesman for the Knicks said, “If this is what it takes to win, it’s
not worth it.” [some applause]
Laura Howard, a Connecticut woman who was artificially inseminated
with the wrong semen, gave birth this week to a beautiful, healthy
litter of cocker spaniels.
Amy Poehler: Very adorable, adorable children.
A new state-of-the-art body-mapping system called BodyMetrics is being
used to help designers create the perfect-fitting pair of jeans.
They’re called sweatpants.
According to a new poll, 68% of frequent fliers do not want the
federal government to lift the ban on in-flight cell phone use. The
other 32% said, [mimics talking on a phone] “Ha ha, what? Ha ha ha,
hilarious…I know, I know, hold on.” [to the camera] “What??”
Tina Fey: In honor of Martin Luther King Day, we at “Weekend
Update” are recognizing positive role models in the African-American
community, so please welcome Cliff and Clair Huxtable.
[pan to Cliff and Clair; applause]
Clair Huxtable: Good evening, Tina. Good evening…Amy Poehler.
Cliff Huxtable: Why am I not napping?
Clair Huxtable: Let me begin by saying it is is—it is a
distinct pleasure for Cliff and I to be here tonight.
Tina Fey: Well it’s, uh, it’s a pleasure for us to have you.
You two are such an inspiration. You’ve raised a beautiful and well-
Clair Huxtable: Yes. Well, you know there’s Rudy and Vanessa,
Theo, Denise, and my eldest daughter Sondra—
Cliff Huxtable: Well no wonder I’m tired! We got so many
children, we should be living in a shoe.
Clair Huxtable: Well, Sondra and Elvin had the twins, Woody and
Nelson, but they moved out, unlike Denise and Martin, who came back
from Africa with the sweet little Olivia and moved right back
Cliff Huxtable: Did any of these people ever pay rent? You
know, the thing where you give money for the food, and the lodgings,
and the turning-on of the heat, and the lights.
Clair Huxtable: Oh, Cliff! [pats Cliff on the arm]
Tina Fey: Now, what do you think are the most important values
you passed on to your children?
Clair Huxtable: Well, Cliff and I have always taught our
children—[Cliff bends down to adjust his chair] You all right, Cliff?
Cliff Huxtable: Yeah, I’m sorry. Pardon me.
Clair Huxtable: [smiling] We’ve always taught our children to
have a kind heart, and a strong, strong mind. Isn’t that right?
Cliff Huxtable: Maybe we should’ve taught them how to pay their
own rent! With the putting the pen to the checkbook, and the writing
of the numerals, and the zeroes. [Cliff groans. Clair pats him
on the shoulder again. Some applause]
Tina Fey: How do you two manage to juggle family along with
your stressful careers?
Clair Huxtable: Well as you know, Cliff is an obstetrician, and
I, Clair Huxtable, am an attorney at law. A partner, no less.
It wasn’t always a walk in the park.
Amy Poehler: I bet, I bet. Was there ever a moment when you
thought you couldn’t do it all?
Clair Huxtable: Let me tell you something, Mrs. Amy Poehler.
Don’t you ever, ever--
Cliff Huxtable: Uh oh, there she goes!
Clair Huxtable: EVER, tell a woman who and what she can and
cannot be, [speaks more rapidly] because a woman is a powerful
creature who can be whatever, whenever, and whomever she pleases,
whether it is a doctor, a lawyer, an astronaut, a butcher, a baker, a
candlestick maker, even the President of these United States!
Cliff Huxtable: Tina, could you just reach back there and pop
out her batteries?
Clair Huxtable: So, Miss Amy Poehler, you are goin’ to march
your little backside right up those stairs, and I don’t wanna see your
sad, sorry little face, until you’ve thought long and hard about what
Amy Poehler: Mar- what stairs?
Clair Huxtable: And, I celebrate you, Miss Elizabeth Stamatina
Fey, a proud, African-American woman who has proven that young, white
males aren’t the only ones who can deliver the funny news, and deliver
Tina Fey: Oh… thanks?
Clair Huxtable: [looks longingly at Cliff] Now come on, Cliff…I
need some help in the…kitchen…stirring the…jambalaya.
Cliff Huxtable: Oh, I like the stirring of the hot and spicy
jambalaya! And licking of the spoon, [kisses Clair on the hand] and
the kissing of the neck, [stands and kisses Clair] and the rubbing of
the feet. [kisses Clair on the hand again. Salsa music begins to play]
Tina Fey: Oh, the Huxtables, everybody!
Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant
[Applause. The Huxtables dance while Amy and Tina move in their
Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo