04j: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris, featuring Sum-41

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

.....Tina Fey
.....Amy Poehler
.....Rachel Dratch
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.....Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update," with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Well, tonight’s top story is the massive blizzard currently blanketing the northeast corridor, so we have started a new segment called “Dratch on the 1s.” Reporting live outside from Rockefeller Plaza, our very own Rachel Dratch.

[Applause. Cut to split-screen shot of Studio 8H and Rockefeller Plaza. Rachel waves to the camera]

Hi Rachel. What’s it like out there?

Rachel Dratch: Hi Tina and Amy! It’s really cold out here, and the snow is not stopping anytime soon. [fake snow falls on Rachel]

Amy Poehler: It’s so pretty though! Isn’t it pretty, Tina?

Tina Fey: It is, it really is. Rachel, is the snow as pretty as it looks from here?

Rachel Dratch: Well, there’s actually a phenomenon called white blindness, so I can’t really see much of anything. Um, something about the surface of your eyeballs freezing when the subzero air hits them. [thermometer displayed on screen next to Rachel reads “10° F,” and steadily falls]

Tina Fey: Rachel, I told you, if you need to warm up, jump in the van we put out there for you!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, what is she complaining about?

Tina Fey: I don’t know, she’s always complaining.

Rachel Dratch: Well there’s no van out here, Tina. Um, I did climb into one van I thought was ours, and a man with a face tattoo tried to sell me some stereo equipment. I stayed in there a little bit longer, though, ‘cause it was warm. And he wouldn’t let me out.

Tina Fey: Rachel, are- are people out on the streets? It looks pretty deserted.

Rachel Dratch: Uh yeah, uh, it’s pretty desolate, Tina, except for a few teenage fans who are watching me work. [Rachel gets pelted with snowballs] And our dedicated crew. [gets pelted with more snowballs] Hey um, can I, can I come upstairs now?

Tina Fey: Oh no, no, sorry Rachel. You know, if it were to suddenly stop snowing, that would be breaking news, and we need you down there in case that happens.

Rachel Dratch: But I, I—

Amy Poehler: OK, we’ll check in with you later, Dratch! Rachel Dratch, everybody.

Rachel Dratch: But it’s cold… [applause]

Amy Poehler: We’ll check in with you later.

Though most of Thursday’s Presidential Inauguration went smoothly, there was one scary moment when a gas cloud escaped from a manhole along the motorcade route. But fortunately, the President’s Secret Service driver used high-speed evasive maneuvers to avoid it.

[video of the President’s car slowly driving straight through the cloud, while other cars avoid it]

Remember, only trained stunt drivers should attempt such moves.

Boxing promoter Don King filed a 2.5-billion-dollar defamation suit against ESPN last week, after a “SportsCentury” profile of him referred to him as “a snake oil salesman and a shameless huckster.” In ESPN’s defense, they got those descriptions off of King’s business card.

Tina Fey: Time magazine reported this week that Katie Couric has been approached by CBS to replace Dan Rather as anchor of “The CBS Evening News.” Apparently CBS really likes her idea for a segment called “Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?”

Replacing Rather with Couric would be good for people who like the news, but wish it contained more awkward flirting.

Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay, and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. [laughs] And yet, he gives that carpet muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride. [picture of Dora the Explorer smiling and wearing a backpack; applause] Look at her. A backpack? A backpack.

Amy Poehler: It was reported that Mary Kate Olsen will be moving out of the New York apartment she shares with her sister Ashley. Damn you, Angelina Jolie! Is nothing sacred? [applause]

Tina Fey: You got a point there.

Yesterday California, uh, carried out its first execution in three years, after Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rejected a final appeal for clemency. Here to discuss his decision, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[pan to Gov. Schwarzenegger; applause]

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hello Tina Fey, hello Amy Poehler. I’m not here to discuss the ending of that man’s life, and all those kind of things. We Californians have other, more important concerns, like the running of the water and all that, eh, the mud sliding around up there. I have to, uh, I have to leave my Exercycle and go up there and tell the mud to stop this. I- I know I have made the movies with the guns going off, and the buildings exploding and the robots running around, but this does not mean that I am a violent person, Tina Fey. I am not like this! I am full of joy, and stuff like this.

Tina Fey: Really. OK.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: You should’ve seen me on Thursday, Tina Fey. There I was, at the Inaugural Ball, with the President and the Vice President and the Secretary of this thing and that thing. You know, all the people are saying, “Arnold, you should be the next President in four years.” But I can’t do that, Tina! I’m not born around here. I keep saying this, but no one is listening out there. Yes, of course I would like to hang around and be the President of the United States, having the parties, and the making of the speeches, and the shooting of the rockets at the foreign people. But this will never happen!

But then the people are saying, maybe yes, with the changing of the laws up there, and the running of the race and the winning of the debates, and the calling of the opponent the girly-man. That is how, that is how we will get this done, and this is how Jay Leno’s going to be the next Vice President of the United States, and this is how I will not be the Terminator, I will be the President-with-the-No-Term- Limits-tonator!

Tina Fey: Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: It was reported this week that a hacker got access to Paris Hilton’s BlackBerry—if you know what I mean.

Tina Fey: [laughs] See you next week!

[The camera remains on Amy, even though Tina is ready to deliver the next joke. After she points her pencil in Tina’s direction, the shot finally changes]

On Friday—[laughs again] That was a hot seat!

On Friday, FCC Chairman Michael Powell announced that he plans to step down from his job two years before his term ends. Aw, that’s a shame. That’s a damn shame! That’s a mother—[several seconds of Tina’s commentary bleeped out] shame. [applause]

Amy Poehler: OK now, everybody, let’s go back to our “Dratch on the 1s” weather report. How’s it going down there, Rachel?

[cut to Rachel shivering, while the thermometer reads “-22° F”]

Rachel Dratch: Uh, OK, it’s still, still really cold out here. [removes an icicle that formed on her nose]

Tina Fey: Yeah that’s, you know, that’s why we’re talking to you. [Tina and Amy now hold coffee mugs in their hands]

Rachel Dratch: Hey, hey, what are you guys drinking?

Tina Fey: Um, hot chocolate. It’s almost too hot to drink, though.

Amy Poehler: Yeah. [both blow into the mugs]

Rachel Dratch: Can I- can I come in? I think they get it, it’s snowing!

Tina Fey: Rachel, being a good journalist isn’t about your personal comfort, it’s about the story, and if you can’t handle that, maybe you shouldn’t be a “Weekend Update” correspondent, OK?

[Amy gasps at Tina’s suggestion]

Rachel Dratch: You’re right. I’m sorry Tina.

Tina Fey: Now did you do that other thing for us?

Rachel Dratch: Oh yeah, um, I got it. [bends down to pick up several bags of McDonald’s food] But I think your Crispy Chicken Salads are frozen.

Tina Fey: Well then, you’re gonna have to go back and get us two new ones.

Amy Poehler: Unbelievable! And Ludacris wants a Diet Snapple root beer.

Tina Fey: I don’t think they even make that.

Amy Poehler: Well, she better find it, ‘cause it’s for Ludacris. [some applause]

Tina Fey: OK, we’ll check back with you in a few minutes. [Rachel just smiles and keeps shivering] Be well, Dratch.

[turning over the mugs] There’s no cocoa in here!

Elephant handlers in Thailand have started teaching the animals to defecate in a huge toilet. Cooler still are the enormous copies of Us Weekly.

Amy Poehler: Donald Trump and producer Mark Burnett are reportedly considering creating a Broadway musical based on “The Apprentice.” The pair came up with the idea when neither one of them could find a match to set fire to a pile of money. [applause]

A new sex survey reveals that 58% of British women fake their orgasms, while 4% fake their accents. [picture of Madonna]

Tina Fey: Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorcese are talking about making a sequel to the ‘70s classic “Taxi Driver.” It will be called, “You Talkin’ to Me, Focker?”

And it’ll make a billion trillion dollars!

Amy Poehler: A new study has found that being dumped can cause changes in a woman’s brain that are visible on MRI scans. The study also found that women hate being dumped while strapped inside an MRI machine.

Tina Fey: A woman in Brazil gave birth Wednesday to what doctors have called a “giant baby,” and this is a real picture of the newborn boy weighing 17 pounds. The woman will talk to the press as soon as she finishes putting her vagina back together. [some applause]

Amy Poehler: OK let’s, uh, let’s check back with Rachel one more time. Rachel Dratch, where is she?

Tina Fey: Weather on the Dratches… Uh oh.

[cut to a shot of a huge mound of snow, with a wool cap and “Weekend Update” microphone sticking out from the top]

Amy Poehler: Ra- Rachel Dratch, everybody.

Tina Fey: Rachel Dratch, everybody!

Amy Poehler: Wow. For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]


Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo