Saturday Night Live Transcripts
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Season 30: Episode 11
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 Air Date:
Host:
Musical Guest:
Special Guests:
Cameos:
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February 5th, 2005
Paris Hilton
Keane
None
None
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American Idol
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Summary: Throngs of untalented singers aspire to be the next William Hung.
Recurring Characters: Simon Powell, Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, Q*terplex.
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Paris Hilton's Monologue
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Summary: Kenan Thompson uses his super's dog to communicate with Paris Hilton via her dog.
Bio: Paris Hilton (1981-). Hanger-on; member of the Hilton Hotel family empire; appeared in a homemade sex tape.
Cameo: 03g.
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Cheapkids.net I
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Summary: Selfish wanna-be parents (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) are encouraged not to waste unneccesary dollars when raising their children.
Transcript
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Versace Skiing
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Summary: On the ski slopes, Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) calls Paris Hilton a "bitch."
Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.
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The Expensive Purse
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Summary: Both Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) and rich white girl Portia (Paris Hilton) want the same overpriced purse.
Recurring Characters: Starkisha, Malik.
Transcript
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Cheapkids.net II
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Summary: CEO Gary B. Anthony (Chris Parnell) tries to pawn off children's books with incorrect spelling for eight cents.
Transcript
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Exclusive Connections
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Summary: Exclusive phone sex hotline satisfies the sci-fi fantasies of nerds everywhere.
Transcript
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The Trumps
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Summary: Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) brings third wife Melania (Paris Hilton) home to meet the kids (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler).
Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Melania Knauss, Ivanka Trump.
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Keane performs "Somewhere Only We Know"
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Bio: Formed in Battle, East Sussex, England in 1997; members: vocalist Tom Chaplin, drummer Richard Hughes, and pianist Tim Rice-Oxley.
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Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
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Summary: Donavan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother, Charline (Kenan Thompson), comment on the Super Bowl. A visit from the tiny people from Elliot Gould's moustache (Fred Armisen, Rachel Dratch) takes a tragic turn. Tina and Amy perform a Superbowl Point/Counterpoint.
Recurring Characters: Donavan McNabb, Charline McNabb.
Transcript
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Merv the Perv
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Summary: His 20-year high school reunion prompts a flashback of Merv's (Chris Parnell) slim prom chances.
Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.
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Cheapkids.net III
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Summary: CEO Gary B. Anthony (Chris Parnell) hawks ridiculously cheap children's medicine.
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Rafael Alonzo's I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute
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Summary: Rafael (Fred Armisen) teaches simple computer technology.
Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Topher Grace and Paul Giamatti.
Transcript
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Inside Barbie's Dreamhouse
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Summary: Ken (Will Forte) cheats on Barbie (Amy Poehler) with another Barbie (Paris Hilton).
Recurring Characters: Barbie, Ken.
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Keane performs "Everybody's Changing"
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The Bar
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Summary: Philadelphian Brent (Seth Meyers) doesn't score with woman (Paris Hilton) in a bar.
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Bear City
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Summary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.
Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last seven episodes.
Transcript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
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Access Hollywood
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Summary: Billy Bush (Seth Meyers) interviews Joe Simpson (Will Forte) about daughters Ashlee (Rachel Dratch) and Jessica (Paris Hilton).
Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.
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Paris and Paris
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Summary: Paris Hilton and her doppleganger (Maya Rudolph) walk the red carpet.
Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie.
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That's Hot
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Summary: Paris Hilton sneaks off to a party with Maya Rudolph, leaving Chris Parnell and Amy Poehler to carry on a conversation with a catchphrase-spewing recording.
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Bear City
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Summary: In high school, a boy bear's friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.
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SNL Transcripts
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