Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

American Idol

Simon Cowell....Chris Parnell
Paula Abdul....Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson....Kenan Thompson
Blond Contestant....Maya Rudolph
Fat Lady Constestant....Horatio Sanz
Torso Contestant....Will Forte
Qrplt*xk....Rachel Dratch

[American Idol Montage. A blond girl tries singing a Carole King song]

Blond Contestant:[sings off-key]I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down, tumbling heart starts trembling whenever you're around...oh lady when you hear me....

[Simon, Randy and Paula look at her from the judges chairs]

Simon Cowell: [British accent]How do you think you did?

Blond Contestant: [surprisingly sincere] Not too shabby.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon Cowell: We have got some of the worst people I have ever seen. Not just the singing. Just awful, awful people.

[A fat lady in an ugly green t-shirt with one tooth mangles Jeniffer Lopez's hit "Jenny from the block"]

Fat Lady Contestant: [sings horribly] Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block, don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still, I'm still Jenny, Jenny, Jenny from the block[the judges look in horror] and a little, got a little for what you're not, I'm still, i'm still, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny from the block. Block, diddy, rock, bop, bop, bop, bop. Oh, and I got my rocks. Yeah!

Simon Cowell: You're not serious are you?

Randy Jackson: Dawg, come on. You're goofin' on us, dawg.

Fat Lady Contestant: I'm not goofin' on no one Randy. I'm gonna be a star.

Paula Abdul: Honey, you really think you can sing?

Fat Lady Contestant: I know I can sing. Everybody I know says so!

Simon Cowell: Well get yourself a new everybody you know. Look the point is you're horrible, your look, your talent.

Randy Jackson: I mean, the whole one-tooth thing, dawg. It just don't work.

Fat Lady Contestant: [bitchy attitude] Well, let me tell you something! I got more talent in my one-tooth than you have in your whole face! And I ahve one thing that you'll never have---personality and heart.

Simon Cowell: Ok, see you're just copying William Hung.

Fat Lady Contestant: William who?

Simon Cowell: Please, go away.

Fat Lady Contestant: You go away!

Paula Abdul: What?

Fat Lady Contestant: Can I do another song?

All: No!

[Cut to Randy]

Randy Jackson: William Hung got a record deal. And now there's a room full of people waiting to be William Hung, dawg. They know they bad, dawg.

[Cut to Paula]

Paula Abdul: Its getting annoying. I mean, if I wanted to see someone with no hope of entertaining anybody, I would get up there myself.

[cut to Simon]

Simon Cowell: I think the ones at the end of the day were the worst.

[Cut to a torso of a man wearing a turban singing an unrecognizable song]

Torso Contestant: [sings like crap] On the wings of love and above the clouds the only place to fly-y-y-y....

Randy Jackson: Ok, all right, dawg. Ok, no more.

Torso Contestant: What?!

Simon Cowell: You're a torso.

Torso Contestant: You're a torso!

Simon Cowell: You're not an idol.

Paula Abdul: Darling, you don't have a lower body.

Torso Contestant: You don't have a lower body!

[cut to Randy]

Randy Jackson: Dawg, there was maybe one person that I think maybe wasn't putting us on. Dawg.

[cut to mutant creature Qrplt*xk with a baby's arm coming out of her skull, huge teeth, spit drooling goo. She's mangling Dolly Parton's song "I'll always love you"]

Qrplt*xk: [almost mumbles singing] And I will always love you-u-u-u-u, I will always love you-u-u-u-u......

Simon Cowell: Ok, stop, stop.[Qrplt*xk drools heavily]The arm on your head.

Qrplt*xk: [points to it]This one?

Simon Cowell: Yes, that arm.[more disgusting drooling]Do you really believe you're idol material?[more drooling]

Randy Jackson: I mean, there's something there, dawg.

Simon Cowell: You're going to Hollywood.

[Qrplt*xk drools a big, slimy gob between her hideous teeth]

Qrplt*xk: Live from New York! Its Saturday Night!

[Saturday Night Live montage]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts