Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11




04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Rafael Alonzo's I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute

Woman.....Paris Hilton
Marcus.....Kenan Thompson
Rafael Alonzo.....Fred Armisen
Man #1.....Finesse Mitchell
Man #2.....Rob Riggle
Russian Woman.....Maya Rudolph

[open on interior of a diner]

Woman: Put your wallet away, Marcus. This time, I'm going to buy lunch. [pulls a purse full of money from under the table]

Marcus: Since when do you have so much money?

Woman: Since I got hired by a top-of-the-line company for my computer skills.

Marcus: When did you learn computer skills?

Woman: At Rafael Alonzo's I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute. Now I have a career.

Rafael: Do you want to get a high-paying job? Do you want to be qualified? Then you have to learn computers! [wipe to exterior of Rafael Alonzo's I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute, voice over continues] At the I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute you will learn all the things necessary to make it in the business world. [dissolve to interior, with Rafael Alonzo on screen with two male students at terminals] At I.T.F., you will learn everything about computers. Things like: [listed items appear on screen as titles] Computer Skills, Computer Screens, Computer Fixing, How to do Computers, Computer Typing Using a Computer Keyboard, Computer Maintenance, Computer Password, Printer, Computer E-Mail, Mouse, Learning About the Computer.

[dissolve to Russian woman sitting at terminal]

Russian Woman: I'm from Russia. I did not learn computers until I am here. Now I'm having so many jobs. Thank you, I.T.F. [makes "okay" sign with fingers]

Rafael: You have to learn computers! At I.T.F., you will learn computer things, like: [listed items appear on screen as titles] Computer Wires, Computer Screensavers, Where to Put the Computer, Web, Computer Desks, Computer Downloading, Font, Computer Speakers, Carrying the Computer, Computer Classes, Computer Boxes.

Woman: All my jobs used to pay me little to no money. Rafael Alonzo's I.T.F. Technical Institute changed all that. Now the bosses are paying me constantly. I can buy anything: lunches, dresses, gloves, earrings, purses, you name it.

Rafael: You have to learn computers!

[everyone seen in the commercial now appears in the diner]

All: We all did!

Russian Woman: We all did! [a beat after all others]

[wipe to exterior of Rafael Alonzo's I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute with title: "1-800-555-0199"]

Rafael: [voice over] Call 1-800-555-0199. Rafael Alonzo's I.T.F. Technical Institute does not have a website.


Submitted by: DavidK93


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