Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

February 12th, 2005

Jason Bateman

Kelly Clarkson

None

None

Jeff Richmond

Paula Pell

NBC Special Report
Summary: At a press conference, Kim Jong Il (Horatio Sanz) answers questions of praise toward him.

Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Kim Jong Il.


Jason Bateman's Monologue
Summary: Jason Bateman and Amy Poehler make an appeal for viewers to watch "Arrested Development," so Amy's husband, Will Arnett, will keep a job and Amy can keep her boat.

Bio: Jason Bateman (1969-). Actor; younger brother of Justine Bateman; son-in-law of singer/composer, Paul Anka; starred in sitcoms "It's Your Move", "The Hogan Family" (formerly "Valerie"), and "Arrested Development".


Me-Harmony.com
Summary: The proven online matchmaking service finds their clients' exact opposite sex match.

Transcript


Monkeys Throwing Poop at Celebrities
Summary: A suspicious Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) is tricked into appearing on the show, and is promptly pummelled with monkey poop.

Recurring Characters: Sean Connery, Sharon Stone, Carrot Top, Bill Cosby.

Transcript


An Important Moment In Black History I
Summary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say "Hell, no!" to skydiving.

Transcript


The Best of T.T. & Mario
Summary: The songs of T.T. (Maya Rudolph) & Mario (Kenan Thompson) are booty-licious.

Transcript


The Subway
Summary: Fearful of being held accountable, a man (Jason Bateman) happily gives money to bad subway performance acts.

Transcript


An Important Moment In Black History II
Summary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say "Hell, no!" to direct deposit.

Transcript


Kelly Clarkson performs "Since U Been Gone"
Bio: Kelly Clarkson (1982-). Singer; became the first "American Idol" champion in 2002, and co-starred with runner-up, Justin Guarini, in the film "From Justin to Kelly" a year later.

Lyrics


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Prince Charles (Seth Meyers) and Camilla Parker-Boyles (Fred Armisen) creep out the audience while making out with one another. Because Kenan Thompson loves to work, he doesn't join Tina and Amy in making fun of Bill Cosby's sex charges.

Recurring Characters: Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Transcript


Gays in Space
Summary: In Episode 1, the gay space crew do a favor for a lesbian space crew, by agreeing to donate their sperm to preserve the lesbian race.

Recurring Characters: Space Creature, Billiam, Gavindy, Thad.

Transcript


Gibson Studios
Summary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) records various A&E show promos.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Topher Grace.


An Important Moment In Black History III
Summary: Kenny Wilkins (Finesse Mitchell) is the first black man to say "Hell, no!" to sushi.

Transcript


Kelly Clarkson performs "Breakaway"
Lyrics


Rap Night
Summary: Rap-star-turned-talk-show-host, Chubb Hotty (Horatio Sanz), celebrates Valentine's Day with Lady Olestra (Kelly Clarkson).

Recurring Characters: Chubb Hotty, DJ Sugar Shock.

Transcript


Public Speaking Class
Summary: Awkward salespeople learn how to improve their stance at a public speaking seminar.


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Michael Jackson on Neverland Ranch
Summary: Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch) and other celebrities visit Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) at his sickbed when he takes ill before his child molestation trial.

Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Geraldo Rivera.

Note: This sketch will air in the episode hosted by Hilary Swank.


Bear City
Summary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.


The "Blah Blah Blah" Awards
Summary: Award winners' acceptance speeches rattle on endlessly without ever saying anything of merit.


Annoying Waiter
Summary: An annoying waiter (Fred Armisen) condstantly bothers a couple (Jason Bateman, Rachel Dratch) on their first date.



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