Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

Rap Night with Chubb Hotty

Chubb Hotty....Horatio Sanz
DJ Sugar Shock....Kenan Thompson
Brett Mausner....Jason Bateman
Lady Olestra....Kelly Clarkson

[Opens with the title RAP NIGHT with CHUBB HOTTY painted in urban graffitti. Heavy rap beat plays, DJ Sugar Shock has his headphones on, mixes and scratches on his turntable podium.]

DJ Sugar Shock: Yo', yo', yo'. This is your boy DJ Sugar Shock saying it's time for Rap Night. With your host the biggest, fattest, dopest rapper in all the world, Chubb Hotty! Holla!

[Curtain goes up for Chubb Hotty then it gets completely out of the way for him to enter. Chubb is morbidly obese, has a red do-rag, gold medallion, jean jacket, faded jeans, mic on his hand]

Chubb Hotty: Jeah!, jeah!, jeah!, jeah![rapping] I am Chubb Hotty the all time best/ I eat a mess of fried bologna from your momma's chest/ I don't like no fruit/ don't eat no banana/ eat more steaks than the nation of Ghana, Jeah!

DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah!

Chubb Hotty: Mad rhymes/chicken wings/ is all I'm about/ you put a tap on my ass/ raw butter comes out/Jeah!

DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah, yeah![stops the heavy rap best]All right, let's get this thing starte-e-e-ed!

[Pleasant hip-hop intro, Chubb Hotty sits in his big ass chair]

Chubb Hotty: So DJ Sugar Shock, you got any plans for St. Valentine's Day?

DJ Sugar Shock: Yeah, I mean, I think I'll get some of those giant Hershey kisses for the kids. Take my wife to the Red Lobster, you know.

Chubb Hotty: That's nice. Hey, remember that one time I got thrown out of the Red Lobster at San Diego? They said "all you can eat". They were lying.

DJ Sugar Shock: That wasn't a Red Lobster, Chubb. It was Sea World. You ate most of Free Willy in front of a class of schoolkids!

Chubb Hotty: "All you can eat", my ass.[laughs]My first guest is the director of my new video from my single "Pork and Chicken Heads". Mr. Brett Mausner!

[A wigger in a track suit, sunglasses, baseball cap to the side]

Brett Mausner: Yo' yo' yo' yo'[has trouble hugging Chubb]How you living, huh? How you been? What you been up to cuz?[sits down]

Chubb Hotty: Yesterday I took a poop the size of a Hyundai.

Brett Mausner: Ah, right. Now listen, yo's. Here's my sneak peek at a brand new "Making the Video".

[MTV's montage of Making the Video. Brett is backstage in a studio, camera splits, shows two Brett's]

Brett Mausner: Whazzup! Brett Mausner here! Welcome to the making of Chubb Hotty's latest joint "Pork and Chicken Heads". Out! On the first day of shooting Chubb moves into his trailer on the set.

[Chubb walks into the trailer, destroys the door, takes a few steps into it and falls through the floor, gets his ass stuck on the floor]

Chubb Hotty: Damn! What do they make this trailers out of, man?

Brett Mausner: We shot a very, very sexy scene.

[Three sexy girls are sitting on a bed. Chubb sits on the edge of the bed eating a humongous sandwich. Two of the girls fly into the air when he sits, one stays on the crumbling bed watching Chubb slump to the ground]

Brett Mausner: And I think we cut most of this actually.

[MTV's montage of Making the Video]

Chubb Hotty: Oh, man. That video looks hot, bro'!

Brett Mausner: Yeah.

Chubb Hotty: Much love, much love. Speaking of love, earlier I mentioned it was St. Valentine's Day and to help me out and celebrate is my special love, my Lady Olestra.

[Lady Olestra is ghetto fabulous, sits on Chubb's big ass chair armrest]

Brett Mausner: Oh, my goodness.

Lady Olestra: What's up, boo?

Chubb Hotty: What's up, baby? [kiss]Oh, yeah. Baby dog got you a little something for St. Valentine's Day.

[Chubb takes a little bag out and pulls a skimpy red lingerie for his girl]

Lady Olestra: Chubb, you so nasty![Chubb laughs]I got you something too.

[Olestra takes out little bag and pulls out a regular pair of boxer shorts with red hearts on them]

Chubb Hotty: Who them tiny things for?

[Lady Olestra unfolds the boxer shorts, they are huge]

Brett Mausner: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Chubb Hotty: You a good woman, baby. All right DJ Sugar Shock, let's hit it!

[Romantic music plays, Lady Olestra mic on hand proceeds to sing beautifully]

Lady Olestra:[sings] Tonight I celebrate my love for boo....

[Chubb can't get out of his chair, Brett gives him a hand, he's pulling hard, Chubb falls on him pinning against his chair, finally Chubb gets up. He stands next to Lady Olestra mic on hand]

Lady Olestra:[sings] Because he's my favorite man to do....

[Brett claps along in the back]

Chubb Hotty:[rapping] Tonight, I celebrate my love for food!

Lady Olestra: Ugh!

Chubb Hotty:[rapping] I found a coupon for 3 Arby's beef and cheedar for the price of two!/ I also love this little lady/ but honestly not as much as a garbage can full of gravy!

Lady Olestra:[sings] Tonight I celebrate my love for you....[Chubb hugs and picks Lady Olestra up for a kiss and he farts] Chubb! That is nasty!

Chubb Hotty: Sorry, I sprained myself.

Lady Olestra:[sings]And I hope and pray I don't get crushed under you...[another fart from Chubb] Chubb, that is really nasty!

Chubb Hotty: That ain't the end of it either.

[Extreme flatulence comes from Chubb. A long, unholy fart]


Lady Olestra: Did you had shrimps?![leaves]

Chubb Hotty: Matter of fact, I had 'em on my Cheerios this morning.

[DJ Sugar Shock is disgusted]

DJ Sugar Shock: Man, that is it! The show is over! I wanna get outta here!

[Brett is fanning himself behind Chubb]

Brett Mausner: Good Lord, Chubb. That

[Brett keels over from his chair to the floor]

Chubb Hotty: Oh, damn.

DJ Sugar Shock: Man, look at that! He passed out! Call the paramedics or something! I ain't hanging around in this funky mess any longer than I have too![takes the headphones off, leaves]

Chubb Hotty: Good night, ya'll! Stay tuned for the Tony Danza show, coming up next.

[Rap Night logo appears]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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