Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 12

04l: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson

The Best of T.T. & Mario

Man.....Jason Bateman
Woman.....Amy Poehler
T.T......Maya Rudolph
Mario.....Kenan Thompson

[open on romantic fireside setting with man and woman in robes sitting, toasting with champagne]

Man: Well, happy Valentine's Day. I love you, baby.

Woman: I love you, too. I can't think of anything that would make this night more romantic.

Man: Well, I sure can. Are you looking for that perfect CD to get your lady in the mood this Valentine's Day? Well, how about this? [holds up "The Best of T.T. & Mario" CD] The greatest compilation of love songs ever on one compact disc. "The Best of T.T. & Mario." Music was made for loving, and nobody sang about loving better than T.T. & Mario. You'll get songs like "First Love."

[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario dressed in white '70s clothes, their hands to one another's faces as they turn around each other]

[romantic ballad music]

T.T.: First love. / First kiss. / First that. / Now this.

Mario: First time I took off all your clothes, / I saw your boobies, / And they were excellent.

[music gets funky]

T.T.: I held your booty / And the booty was so tight. / Singing booty so right.

[dissolve to close up of romantic couple, the woman having a very wooden smile]

Man: Oh, boy, doesn't that bring back memories?

Woman: Not really.

Man: Really? Well, I know you're going to know this one. Who didn't groove on this bad mama-jama in 1977? "Rollerskate Love."

[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, walking slowly towards each other]

[romantic ballad music]

Mario: You are so beautiful.

T.T.: And you are my knight in shining armor.

[music gets funky]

Mario: Let me put it in a little bit.

Both: Just the tip!

[dissolve to romantic couple, the woman having a forced expression but clearly somewhat puzzled]

Man: That takes me back to my eighth grade dance.

Woman: Wow, the song's called "Rollerskate Love." They never even mention rollerskating.

Man: Eh. Well, listen, here's one where they do mention roller skates, the 1970 classic, "With You."

[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, hand in hand]

[funky music]

Mario: I'm gonna put your hands in rollerskates, / Flip you upside down. / Wheel you into the kitchen / And put whipped cream on your business.

[Mario whirls T.T. around]

Both: With you.

T.T.: I can be butt naked.

Both: With you.

T.T.: My arms are getting tired.

[dissolve to romantic couple reclining on rug in front of fire, the woman now visibly distressed]

Man: If you tried to find all these songs separately, you'd have to buy over three albums, but you get all your T.T. & Mario favorites on one CD. [he caresses the woman's thigh] Songs like [listen songs scroll from bottom to top] "Let Me See Them," "Booty's So Tight," "Masquerade Booty," "Booty Fire," "You Are a Lady, Right?" "Atomic Booty," and "Big Nippled Woman."

Woman: I've never heard of any of these songs.

Man: Oh, why don't you shut your mouth and listen to their 1974 hit, "Hearts Will Survive," the long theme song from the movie "Earthquake."

[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, back to back]

[funky music]

T.T.: Getting freaky in the shower.

Mario: Do me a favor, drop the soap.

Both: Ooh, oh.

T.T.: Your booty's so tight.

Both: Booty so ti-ee-ight! [spoken] Oh, my God. It's an earthquake.

[dissolve to romantic couple reclining on rug in front of fire, the woman now completely revolted as the man strokes her hair]

Woman: Are these even real musicians?

Man: [forces her head onto the floor as he climbs on top of her] Don't spoil the mood! T.T. & Mario are about to "Turn it Up."

[dissolve to disco stage with T.T. and Mario, back to back]

[funky music]

T.T.: Turn it up!

Both: Whoo!

T.T.: Turn up the Johnny Carson.

Mario: The children are asleep. / Let me hear you make some noise, / Such as...

[moaning sounds from both, the word "booty" is heard several times, T.T. pantomimes spanking Mario's booty]

Mario: Now let's go to bed.

T.T.: 'Cause my booty is so tired.

[dissolve to romantic couple kneeling in front of fire, the man massaging the shouldres of the woman who is now shocked, appalled, and shaking her head in denial of what she has just seen and heard]

Man: Now, I don't want you to wait, because this incredible offer is not available in stores. I want you to go ahead and call 1-555-01199-niner-9-99.

Woman: Okay, that's not even a real--

Man: I love you, too, baby! [he tilts her head to kiss her and pushes her down onto the ground]

Woman: [trying to push him off] What?! We're actors! Give me a break!

Man: Go with it. Come on, now!

Woman: What are you doing?!

Man: You can come in, too, missy.

Woman: What?!

[dissolve to title screen with image of "The Best of T.T. & Mario" CD and title and voice over: "'The Best of T.T. & Mario' is not really available."]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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