Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 13

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

February 19th, 2005

Hilary Swank

50 Cent



Jim Downey

Michael Jackson on Neverland Ranch
Summary: Elizabeth Taylor (Rachel Dratch) and other celebrities visit Michael Jackson (Amy Poehler) at his sickbed when he takes ill before his child molestation trial.

Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Geraldo Rivera.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episode hosted by Jason Bateman.

Hilary Swank's Monologue
Summary: Hilary Swank wanders backstage to observe the odd ways the cast prepare themselves for the live show.

Bio: Hilary Swank (1974-). Actress; won Oscars for Best Actress for "Boys Don't Cry" (1999) and "Million Dollar Baby" (2004).


Grayson-Moorhead Securities
Summary: Back after nine years, Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) demonstrates how his financial company loses their clients' money with pride.

Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson.


Sheila Choad's Los Angeles Face
Summary: Sheila Choad (Rachel Dratch) hosts the only talk show dedicated to Botox and the Botox lifestyle.


Grayson-Moorhead Securities II
Summary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) relates how his Clients lost their money but gained the knowledge of failure.

Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson.


Hot Plates
Summary: Despite their waiter's (Horatio Sanz) repeated warnings about how extremely hot their dinner plates are, a group of friends touch the hot plates to see for themselves.


Debbie Downer
Summary: Hilary Swank's childhood nanny, Debbie Downer (Rachel Dratch), joins her and husband Chad Lowe (Will Forte) at the Oscars ceremony, and brings her excitement down a notch.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Downer.


50 Cent and Olivia perform "Candy Shop"
Also Performed: 02r.

Bio: Olivia (1981-). R&B/rap femme fatale; hit single "Bizounce" in 2001.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: In a filmed report, Tom Jankeloff (Fred Armisen) gauges the public's reaction to the Central Park Gates. Oscar nominee Morgan Freeman (Finesse Mitchell) announces that he wants to do some lovemaking scenes in his movies.


Seasons of Love
Summary: Unable to complete an important crying scene, a soap actress (Hilary Swank) receives help from a crying coach (Rachel Dratch).

City Court with Aaron Neville
Summary: The deficiency in Aaron Neville's (Horatio Sanz) knowledge of the law is covered by his crooning during court proceedings.


After the Grammys
Summary: Later that night, Jennifer Lopez (Maya Rudolph) and Marc Anthony (Fred Armisen) are still singing.

Recurring Characters: Jennifer Lopez.

50 Cent performs "Disco Inferno"

Project Runway
Summary: Heidi Klum (Hilary Swank) hosts, as fashion designers create a clothing line for KFC's Col. Sanders.

Recurring Characters: Heidi Klum.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Falconer
Summary: While arguing about whose fate is rougher, a lightning bolt causes the Falconer (Will Forte) and Donald to switch bodies.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer, Donald.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Tom Brady.

Bear City
Summary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.

Summary: An incompetent female spy (Hilary Swank) chooses the wrong suitcase.

Bear City
Summary: In T. Sean Shannon's latest visit to Bear City, a teenaged bear sneaks a look at bear porn while his mom goes shopping. Unfortunately, she forgets her grocery list on the counter and walks into an embrassing situation.

Note: This short film will later air in the episode hosted by Lindsey Lohan.

Summary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) tries to save a family's souls while they eat at a diner.

Lap Dance
Summary: Kenan Thompson treats Seth Meyers to a lap dance for his birthday, but the showgirl (Hilary Swank) does a poor job of it.

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