Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 13

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04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

City Court with Aaron Neville

Aaron Neville.....Horatio Sanz
Margaret Shanklin.....Hilary Swank
Dale James.....Chris Parnell
Bailiff.....Rob Riggle
Odell.....Kenan Thompson
Interviewer.....Seth Meyers
Man in the street.....Finesse Mitchell

(Pax logo)

Announcer: Youīre watching Pax. Whatīs up with that?

(Montage has Aaron Neville dressed in a cutoff robe, slow dancing with mic on hand in a cloudy, smoky set)

Announcer: You are now entering the chambers of City Court with Aaron Neville.

Aaron Neville: (sings)I donīt know much, and I donīt have a law degree...

Announcer: Aaron Neville is a multiple Grammy-Award winning recording artist. He is not a judge nor is he a legal professional of any kind.

Aaron Neville: (sings)But I do know that I like to settle disputes...

Announcer: All the litigants agreed to have their cases settled solely on the basis of Aaron Neville rudimentary understanding of the American Legal System and innate sense of fair play.

Aaron Neville: And that may be all I need to kno-o-o-o-o-o-ow.(Crosses his arms, looks at camera with beatific smile.)

(Cut to inside of a courtroom. Plaintiff Margaret Shanklin is a trashy looking woman, chewing gum and holding a dog wrapped in a red leather jacket. Caption:Margaret Shanklin Plaintiff)

Announcer: The litigant Margaret Shanklin claims that her ex-boyfriend Dale James owes her over $1,500 dollars in unpaid loans.

(Dale is picking his nose, has a stupid look on his face, sunglasses, ponytail.Caption:Dale James Defendant)

Bailiff: Court is now in session. All rise for Mr. Aaron Neville.

(All rise, Aaron enters, sits in the judgeīs podium)

Aaron Neville: The litigants have been sworn in and I have read your complaints. So please Ms. Margaret Shanklin, (sings)tell it like it i-i-i-i-is.

Margaret Shanklin: Well your honor Aaron Neville, I had set aside $1,500 dollars to open up my own business making Thriller-Style Michael Jackson jackets(holds up dog)for my dog. Which I loaned to my trifling good-for-nothing ex-boyfriend Dale.

Dale James: Huh-uh, your Honor, that ainīt true. When she gave me that money she said it was a gift, uh, because she was so impressed with my lovemaking skills.

Aaron Neville: Please Mr. James, youīll have your chance in a second. Ms.Shanklin, please continue.

Margaret Shanklin: Thank you, your Honor.

Aaron Neville: (sings)I am not a ju-u-u-u-udge.

Margaret Shanklin: Right. Mr.Neville.

Aaron Neville: (sings)Thank you-u-u-u-u-u-u.

Margaret Shanklin: Um, anyways as I was saying, I loaned Dale the money so he could pay off his Blockbuster fines then I find out he used it to get his car painted like the General Lee from "The Dukes of Hazard".

Dale James: It was an investment, your Honor. I planned to use it to make money at mall openings, parades, you know, car shows and such.

Margaret Shanklin: Itīs a Dodge Neon, Dale. It looks crazy!

Aaron Neville: (sings)Everybody just play it co-o-o-ol for a second.(stops singing, turns to bailiff)Excuse me bailiff, you have my cocoa butter?

Bailiff: Yeah, they only had the 12 ounce tube though.(gives Aaron the tube of cocoa butter)

Aaron Neville: Thank you. Excuse me, my lady.(starts smearing cocoa butter on his arms)

Margaret Shanklin: So anyways Dale pulls up...

Aaron Neville: Excuse me, would either of you care for some(sings)cocoa buttha-a-a.

Margaret Shanklin: No, thank you, sir.(Dale nods no)

Aaron Neville: My tattoos respond well to frequent cocoa butter applications.

Margaret Shanklin: OK.

Aaron Neville: (sings)It accentuates my muscle tone, while moisturizing my dry ski-i-i-i-i-i-n.

Margaret Shanklin: Right.

Aaron Neville: Ok, Mr.James. Please tell me your side of the story.

Dale James: I fully intended to pay her back but next thing I know sheīs shacking up with Stavros, the landlord.

Margaret Shanklin: That ainīt true!!

Aaron Neville: Order!Order!(pounds gavel, gavel slips out of his hand. Tries pounding again, slips and it falls again to the floor) Please excuse me, my hands are slippery with(sings)cocoa butha-a-a-a.(little crack up)Ms. Shanklin I see you have a witness here.

Margaret Shanklin: Yes, Mr.Neville This is my son Odell from my first marriage.

(Young black teen steps up)

Odell: Yoī, whatīs up your honor?

Aaron Neville: I see you had some(sings)chocolate in your peanut buttha-a-a-a-a.

Margaret Shanklin: Yes, Mr. Neville in the early 90īs I found myself in a common law situation with Lawrence Taylor of the New York Giants.

Aaron Neville: Ok, as it turns out I am running out of(sings)cocoa buttha-e-o-e-o-a-a.(stops singing)So I will be right back with my decision in a few moments. Excuse me.

(cut to a statue of Lady Justice.Caption: You Be The Judge. Man in a suit interviews a man on the street)

Interviewer: She claims he owes her $1,500 dollars. He says no way! How do you feel Aaron Neville will rule?

Man on the street: I donīt think he knows much about the law.

Interviewer: Yeah, tell me about it. But what about the case?

Man on the street: Seems like he is pretty into cocoa butter.

Interviewer: Yes, yes he is. All right, back to the studio for Aaron Nevilleīs ruling.

(Back in the courtroom, Aaron continues to apply cocoa butter on his arms)

Aaron Neville: (sings) Oh, the touch, the feel of cocoa butha-a-a-a-a.(stops singing) Ok, hereīs my ruling.(sings)Bop, bop, boop, boop. Bop,bop, boop, boop. Bop, bop, boop, boop. Everybody acts like a fool sometimes,(confused look on Margaretīs face, Aaron uses cocoa butter tube like a mic)You lent some money to this stupid fool(Dale shrugs)you ainīt gonna get it back babe, next time you make a loan you should put it in writing, thatīs just common sense. Everybody now leaves the courtroom, leave.(stops singing)Good night yīall.

Announcer: Guests of City Court with Aaron Neville stay at Aaron Nevilleīs house.(Photo of white and blue house-boat on a river.Caption:Aaron Nevilleīs house) And special thanks to Queen Heleneīs cocoa butter(photo of Queen Helene cocoa butter recipient)Now that we mentioned your product, please send us free stuff.

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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