Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Sheila Choadís Los Angeles Face

Sheila Choad.....Maya Rudolph
Susan Diteward.....Hilary Swank
Alyssa Hudsies.....Amy Poehler
Pamela Albert.....Rachel Dratch

Announcer: Youíre watching Fine Living, eww. At 1:00 PM itís The Wealthy Golfer, followed by Where to Store Your Racecars in Tuscany. But first, Sheila Choadís Los Angeles Face.


Sheila: (with a Botox-ed face and an English accent) Good day, Iím Sheila Choad. Welcome to the Los Angeles Face, the only show dedicated to Botox and the Botox lifestyle. My guests today are Susan Diteward-

Susan: (with a Botox-ed face) Iím so excited to be here!

Sheila: Alyssa Hudsies-

Alyssa: Itís a Zen pleasure.

Sheila: And Pamela Albert.

Pamela: (with a scrunched-up face) Hey.

Sheila: Ladies, let me first say that you are all beautiful, and I am feeling so much girl power right now. Alyssa, tell us your story. How did Botox find you?

Alyssa: Sheila, I would love to. I live in Los Angeles, Iím a stay-at home non-mom. And originally I was very opposed to any forms of cosmetic procedures, but then my husband hired a 19-year old Brazilian girl to answer phones at his Mercedes dealership.

Sheila: Oh, 19 and Brazilian. Double whammy! (Sheila and Alyssa both try to laugh, but are having difficulties.) Susan, how about you? What inspired you to inject botchenism into your face?

Susan: Well Sheila, I work in the highly competitive entertainment industry.

Sheila: Ah, indeed yes.

Susan: And if I donít look fresh and sexy, these Hollywood executives will find someone who does.

Sheila: I see. What is it that you do exactly?

Susan: I operate the Revenge of the Mummy roller coaster at Universal Studios.

Sheila: And you look gorgeous doing it. Take a look at Susanís before picture. (A picture of what Hilary Swank actually looks like, except with a slightly misshapen head.) Oh, thatís awful! How embarrassing!

Susan: Now no one can tell that I just turned 26.

Sheila: Oh, thank God!

Susan: How about you, Sheila?

Sheila: Excuse me?

Susan: What made you choose Botox and collagen?

Sheila: (Uncomfortable) UmÖ no, Iíve never gottenÖ any of those. Iím justÖ the paid host of the show.

Alyssa: Really?

Sheila: (Angry) Yes bitch, really. Donít give me that look. (Alyssa looks confused, but doesnít move her face.) Now, on to Pamela. Pamela, how has your life been enhanced for Botox?

Pamela: (With a muffled voice) Well, I read an ad in the Orlando Central saying the nail salon behind Howard Johnsonís was having a Botox sale!

Sheila: Uh-huh, I see.

Pamela: But I didnít have the whole $99, so the guy said heíd do half my face for 50.

Sheila: Uh-huh.

Pamela: But it turns out it wasnít real Botox. He injected my face with a mixture of salmonella and (Trying to say ďscorpion venom,Ē but comes out muffled)

Sheila: (Confused) Scope and lemon?

Pamela: Scorpion venom!

Sheila: Oh, scorpion venom! My goodness! What a terrible thing!

Alyssa: Oh my God, so tragic!

Susan: To think someone would do that enrages me! Iím so enraged right now!

Pamela: Yeah. Plus he did some weird credit card fraud on me, and now I owe $2,000 to a cell phone store in Miami!

Sheila: Damn it! I promised myself I wasnít going to cry today! And now look at me, Iím- Iím crying like a baby!

Susan: Me too!

Alyssa: Am I?

Pamela: Yeah. Itís hard for me to feed myself.

Sheila: (Not understanding) What?

Pamela: Itís hard for me to feed myself!

Sheila: (Still not understanding) Whatís that?

Pamela: Itís hard for me to feed myself!

Sheila: Wonderful. Good for you. Ladies, If you have had any advice for potential Botox clients, what would it be?

Alyssa: Um, I would just say, do it. Do it for yourself, and also just do it because everyone else is doing it.

Susan: If you find a doctor whoís really willing to work with you, you can get him to put Botox in your bikini area. It makes you look really rested down there.

Sheila: Pamela?

Pamela: Umm, if a guy says he left his medical license if Cuba, umm, maybe you should just get out of there. (Pauses) Especially if heís wearing a Burger King uniform!

Sheila: Once again, I didnít catch any of that. Join us next week on the Los Angeles Face when my guests will be Nicole Kidman (Pauses) Ďs dog walker, and comedienne Jerry Shandly. Buh-bye!

(Fades Out)

Submitted by: Casey Ellis

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