Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Grayson-Moorhead Securities

Arthur Grayson…..Jim Downey

[SUPER: "Grayson Moorhead Investments"]

[Open on Arthur Grayson, sitting behind a desk in an opulent office]

Arthur Grayson: On Wall Street, there are different types of investors, just as there are different types of investment firms to cater to their needs.

[graph shown of ten-year investment rising over time]

Some seek aggressive capital appreciation, combined with short-term emerging market gains.

[graph shown of a different ten-year investment rising over time]

Others prefer a value-driven model balanced by steady dividend growth.

[back to Grayson]

And each strategy, we suppose, has its place. But at Grayson Moorhead, we take a somewhat different approach.

[graph shown of ten-year investment quickly sinking to zero; back to Grayson]

You see, in choosing stocks for investment, we at Grayson Moorhead have never followed the conventional Wall Street wisdom -- all the business about price to earnings ratios and dividend payout rates, or return on common equity. To us, it's something intangible: a feeling in the gut; a tingle at the back of the neck; a voice whispering in the ear that says, "These are important companies doing important things." We want our clients to be a part of it. Companies like:

[Company portfolios are shown]

Crocodile Dundee Smoked Dingo Sausage. Excelsior She-Male Escort Services. The President Lyndon B. Johnson Commemorative Wristwatch Company. Goliath Extra-Large Cellular Phones. Rosie Magazine. Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans for Men. And Enron.

[Grayson sits by the fire]

Most of these companies are now bankrupt. Others have been exposed as fronts for a variety of criminal enterprises. Every single one of them has lost staggering amounts of money for our investors. But at Grayson Moorhead, we have always felt -- and we like to think our clients would agree – that when you lose your life savings because you believed in something greater than yourself, you haven't really lost it all. For when it comes to investing, there are more important things than making money. If you don't understand that, maybe we're not the company for you.

[He turns towards the fire, settling into his chair]

Announcer: Grayson Moorhead. Losing our clients' money with dignity and pride since 1926.

Submitted by: Anonymous

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