Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 13

04m: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent

Grayson-Moorhead Securities II

Arthur Graysonů..Jim Downey

[SUPER: Grayson Moorhead Investments]

Female Announcer: A message to our clients from the investment firm of Grayson Moorhead.

[Male announcer reads the following quote, attributed to Theodore Roosevelt, as the quote is superimposed on screen over a bust of Roosevelt]

Male Announcer: "Far better it is to dare mighty things, even though risking failure, than to take rank with those timid souls who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."

[Cut to Arthur Grayson, walking around his office]

Arthur Grayson: The last eighteen years have been difficult ones for our clients, but, oh, did they dare mighty things. Consider, for example, those who invested in our Twenty-First Century Tax Advantaged Select Growth Fund. I wish I had that kind of courage.

[He opens up his liquor cabinet and makes himself a drink]

This fund, one of the boldest and most revolutionary ever launched on Wall Street, was intended to combine long-term equity growth, steady capital formation, reliable dividend yield, and minimal tax exposure.

[Graph shown of the investment losing money at a staggering rate, plummeting farther and farther into the red over time]

Unfortunately, it instead turned out to combine immediate capital hemorrhaging with flat or non-existent dividend growth, followed by a period of stagnation, then more capital hemorrhaging, and, surprisingly for a tax-exempt fund, extremely heavy back-end tax penalties.

[Back to Grayson]

In addition, many investors were referred for criminal prosecution by the Securities and Exchange Commission, and more than 7,000 had their identities stolen by the Russian Mafia, which had unwisely been given access to our computer system. Three had their U.S. Citizenship revoked.

[He takes his drink and moves to sit by the fire]

Had you invested $100,000 in this fund five years ago, that investment would now be worth absolutely nothing, with a federal income tax liability of nearly $840,000. But you would have something more important than money -- that you would have none of. You would have the pride of knowing that, though you failed, you had dared mighty things, unlike those timid investors who, in the words of the poet, know neither victory nor defeat. Although I suppose investors who placed their money with our competitors, and thus made a fortune, could argue they actually did, in fact, know victory. And perhaps, in a financial sense, they did. But they didn't know defeat. That is something only our clients understand.

[He turns towards the fire, settling into his chair]

Male Announcer: Grayson Moorhead. Losing our clients' money with dignity and pride since 1926.

Submitted by: Anonymous

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