Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14










04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Dirtball and Burnout Convention

Spokesman.....David Spade
Tan or Grime Guys.....Will Forte, Rob Riggle, Seth Meyers
Spook Peterson.....Fred Armisen
Yvonne Shirley.....Tina Fey
Bong Girl.....Rachel Dratch
Randy Doneen.....Horatio Sanz
Skeeter.....Darrell Hammond

[ open on Spokesman standing in front of the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center ]

Spokesman: what's crappenin'? It's time, once again, for the annual Dirtball and Burnout Convention, this Friday and Saturday and Sunday night at the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center. If you are a dirtball, a burnout, or just someone interested in the burnout lifestyle, then this show is for you.

[ Dirtball and Burnout Convention logo zooms across the screen ]

It's all here, man: "Back Off" mud flaps featuring Yosemite Sam hisself. [ holds one up ] We gots 'em. And Levi jackets with the fake sheepskin inside? [ holds one up ] Check mark. Beer cozies from around the country and/or world? [ holds one up ] You came to the right place. How about a little of that Lowenbrau keg? Top me off. That's right. And you won't want to miss the "Is That a Tan or Just Grime?" contest.

[ cut to three burnout dudes standing in line with their tan/grime lines exposed ]

Sometimes you can't tell - at least, the chicks I date. That's the fun. Pick up your free M-80's for the kids. [ holds up a bowlful of fireworks ] And see a special appearance by Spook Peterson, the first beer league softball player ever to wear his cut-off jean shorts so short that his inner front pocket hangs out the front, just barely concealing his nuggets.

[ cut to Spook Peterson, wearing his short cut-off jean shorts ]

Spook Peterson: I'll be there! [ lifts up his leg, revealing pixellated nuggets ]

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Yikes! Visit the "Shoot Shotgun Pellets to a Road Sign" booth. [ holds up a Stop sign covered with holes ] That one's fun for the entire family. And try your luck at out-ashing the world's long-ash champion, Yvonne Shirley.

[ cut to Yvonne, holding a cigarette made almost entirely out of the ash ]

Yvonne Shirley: Bring it on, suckers.

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: I won't take that bet. She's good. And If you're tweaking out on meth, that's no prob - just visit the tweak hut. So you can go like this.. [ bounces around sporadically ] ..just like those guys who look like Bugs Bunny hanging out in front of El Pollo Loco on Crescent Heights. And you won't want to miss the homemade bong gallery.

[ cut to the Bong Girl, surrounded by an assortment of bongs ]

Bong Girl: I made this one myself, out of an STP oil treatment can, a squirrel's elbow bone, and a pack of Trident Ice I chewed myself.

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Right arm! [ flexes his right arm ] Plus, you won't want to miss a special performance by Kid Rock.. 's former roadie applicant-turned-tambourine player, Randy Doneen.

[ cut to Randy, wailing away on his tambourine ]

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Get down on it, Randy. Pet untrained, dangerous dogs on various subpar leashes. And say Hi to four-time arrestee from TV's "COPS," Skeeter.

[ cut to Skeeter ]

Skeeter: What's up, sons of bitches? I'm gonna teach your kids how to open a beer with a Bic lighter. [ makes two unsuccessful attempts to do so, before ad-libbing: ] Some other time.

[ cut back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: That's a good one to have on a resume, for sure. It's all crappenin' at the Dirtball/Burnout Convention. Be there!

[ all of the dirtballs and burnouts seen in the previews surround the spokesman ]

All: We will!!

Spokesman: Seriously, who farted?

[ cut to Dirtball and Burnout Convention logo ]

Announcer: Dirtball and Burnout Convention, this Friday, Saturday and Sunday, at the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center, just off Route 9, right next to that place where they put the dogs to sleep.

[ fade ]


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