Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 14

04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Sean Penn's Celebrity Roast

Written by: Joe Kelly

Sean Penn.....Seth Meyers
Bernie Mac.....Kenan Thompson
Shucky Ducky.....Finesse Mitchell
Bea Arthur.....Tina Fey
Larry the cable guy.....Rob Riggle
George Carlin.....Fred Armisen
Rita Rudner.....Rachel Dratch
Owen Wilson.....David Spade
B-Ball and Roscoe.....Will Forte
Clint Eastwood.....Darrell Hammond

(Opens with the Los Angeles skyline, fanfare music and the Sean Penn's Celebrity Roast logo with Sean's sourpuss looking face in the middle of it)

Announcer: Live from Hollywood, California. Welcome to Sean Penn's Celebrity Roast with your host Sean Penn. Sean welcomes celebrity roasters Bernie Mac, George Carlin, Rita Rudner, Larry the Cable Guy, Jeffrey Ross, Bea Arthur, Shucky Ducky, Jeremy Irons, B-Ball and Roscoe, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson and in the hot seat tonight our honoree, 2 time Academy Award Winner Clint Eastwood. (Cut to live transmision of the event, Clint smiles, applause) And now here's your roast master Sean Penn.(Sean slowly walks up to the podium with a a gloomy, sad look on his face)

Sean Penn: Thank you and welcome to Sean Penn's Celebrity Roast. Tonight we honor Mr. Clint Eastwood. And I hope the barbs and jests you endure are as enduring as the work you have blessed us with over the years. Now let's bring out our first roaster Bernie Mac, a man so black...

Shucky Ducky: HA,HA! HOW BLACK IS HE?!!!

Sean: He is so black he has suffered 400 years of this country's racism and injustice. And for this Mr. Mac, I apologize.

(Some confused looks from Shucky Ducky and Bernie, Bernie steps up to the podium, Sean sits down)

Bernie Mac: What's up, Hollywood!! Ha,ha! Clint just won an Oscar. "Million Dollar Baby" Ha! I ain't gonna lie to you Hollywood, I didn't like that movie. It wasn't believable. Ain't no white girl gonna be that good a boxer. Ha,ha! "Million Dollar Baby"? They should've have Lil'Kim up in there, call it "20 Dollar Ho'" Ha,ha,ha! ok, seriously though, I got to ask a question about Clint Eastwood. How old is this man? Clint's so old his first movie was drawn on the wall of a cave Ha,ha,ha! It was directed by Moses! Ha,ha,ha! Do you hear me Hollywood? This is an old ass sommammabitch!! I'm out!

(Applause, Bernie leaves, Sean arrives at the podium and goes after Bernie Mac)

Sean: Forgive my compromise sense of humor but I did wanna answer our roaster's question about how old Mr. Eastwood is. He is exactly as old as the timelessness of his work.

(Bernie is quite uncomfortable, fixes his tie)

Bernie: It was a joke, Sean Penn.

Sean: What wasn't a joke was Hillary Swank's training and dedication that made her performance not only believable but unforgettable.

Clint Eastwood: Hey, kid relax here. It's just a roast.

(Sean loooks him dead in his eye, serious as a hell)

Sean: Our next roaster, George Carlin, has been doing comedy for some long...

Shucky Ducky: How long has....

Sean: So long that when he walks into a club the younger comics say, "Thank you, you have been an inspiration to us." George Carlin.

(Sean leaves podium, sits, George already mic on hand struts up to the podium)

George Carlin: A lot of people talking about Clint Eastwood...making movies "Go ahead, make my day" How would he make you a day? I can make you a sandwich but I can't make you a day. "You want lettuce with that day?" (long pause)Names-a lot of people talking about names...(another pause)What kind of a name is Clint? "Hi. I'm Clint" What's your wife's name? "Brunch!" Hey, Clint I got a name for you...Douchebag! Have a nice day!

(Applause, George leaves podium, Sean gets up obviously annoyed)

Sean: I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response. Our next presenter was in the film Shangai Knights with Jackie Chan. I saw that movie and let me tell you, there's 2 hours of my life that I'll cherish forever. Thank you. Owen Wilson. (Sean leaves, Owen steps up)

Owen Wilson: Hey, what's going on? How is it going Clint? Celebrity Roast Clint Eastwood, there's no reason this shouldn't be fun. Anyway, like Bernie Mac was saying Clint, you're old man. You're old. Clint's face is so wrinkly that when I walked in the room and I saw you I said "Who dressed my ball sack in a tuxedo?"(Clint spits his drink and laughs, close up on Sean Penn's face fuming)It's weird, man. It's weird. What's going on with Dirty Harry? I have to say I was a little dissapointed when I found out the movie was about a police officer. Back in Texas we all know what a Dirty Harry is. That's when you take a girl home and you(Bleep, while Owen points to his upper lip under his horrendous nose)...and you leave her cab fare.(Owen pats a smiling Clint in the back, close up on Sean's face his lower lip is quivering)Now if you'll excuse me they want me to shave Bea Arthur's chest.

(Close up on Bea's face, she frowns and signal no with her finger, holds a drink. Owen leaves, Sean steps up again)

Sean: Please forgive my clinical absence of joy but maybe I missed what this roast was all about.

Bernie Mac: Damn skippy! Damn skippy!

Shucky Ducky: You got that right!

Larry the cable guy: For Christ sakes!! You were Spicoli!!!

(Sean looks at Larry with hate in his eyes)

Sean: Did anyone prepare something nice to say about this man? Anyone? Rita Rudner?

Rita Rudner: This roast is as enjoyable as the time I tried to make love to my husband during the Super Bowl.

(Sean is losing it)

Sean: B-Ball and Roscoe?

B-Ball and Roscoe: Um, Sorry we mostly have fart jokes. Pfffffftttt!!!!(Through puppet)"Excuse me!"

Sean: Shucky Ducky?

Shucky Ducky: Shucky Ducky! Quack!Quack!Hahaha!!

(Sean closes his eyes trying to control his anger)

Sean: I'll take that as a "no". Please join me next week when I will be entertaining our troops in Irak with Tim Robbins, Jeanene Garofalo and Michael Moore. Good night. And how dare you!

(Fanfare music and the event's logo appears again with the officially depressed Sean Penn's face on it)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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