04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson
Sean Penn's Celebrity Roast
Written by: Joe Kelly
Sean Penn.....Seth Meyers
Bernie Mac.....Kenan Thompson
Shucky Ducky.....Finesse Mitchell
Bea Arthur.....Tina Fey
Larry the cable guy.....Rob Riggle
George Carlin.....Fred Armisen
Rita Rudner.....Rachel Dratch
Owen Wilson.....David Spade
B-Ball and Roscoe.....Will Forte
Clint Eastwood.....Darrell Hammond
(Opens with the Los Angeles skyline, fanfare music and
the Sean Penn's Celebrity Roast logo with Sean's
sourpuss looking face in the middle of it)
Announcer: Live from Hollywood, California. Welcome to
Sean Penn's Celebrity Roast with your host Sean Penn.
Sean welcomes celebrity roasters Bernie Mac, George
Carlin, Rita Rudner, Larry the Cable Guy, Jeffrey
Ross, Bea Arthur, Shucky Ducky, Jeremy Irons, B-Ball
and Roscoe, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson and in the hot
seat tonight our honoree, 2 time Academy Award Winner
Clint Eastwood. (Cut to live transmision of the event,
Clint smiles, applause) And now here's your roast
master Sean Penn.(Sean slowly walks up to the podium
with a a gloomy, sad look on his face)
Sean Penn: Thank you and welcome to Sean Penn's
Celebrity Roast. Tonight we honor Mr. Clint Eastwood.
And I hope the barbs and jests you endure are as
enduring as the work you have blessed us with over the
years. Now let's bring out our first roaster Bernie
Mac, a man so black...
Shucky Ducky: HA,HA! HOW BLACK IS HE?!!!
Sean: He is so black he has suffered 400 years of this
country's racism and injustice. And for this Mr. Mac,
(Some confused looks from Shucky Ducky and Bernie,
Bernie steps up to the podium, Sean sits down)
Bernie Mac: What's up, Hollywood!! Ha,ha! Clint
Eastwood...man just won an Oscar. "Million Dollar
Baby" Ha! I ain't gonna lie to you Hollywood, I didn't
like that movie. It wasn't believable. Ain't no white
girl gonna be that good a boxer. Ha,ha! "Million
Dollar Baby"? They should've have Lil'Kim up in there,
call it "20 Dollar Ho'" Ha,ha,ha! ok, seriously
though, I got to ask a question about Clint Eastwood.
How old is this man? Clint's so old his first movie
was drawn on the wall of a cave Ha,ha,ha! It was
directed by Moses! Ha,ha,ha! Do you hear me Hollywood?
This is an old ass sommammabitch!! I'm out!
(Applause, Bernie leaves, Sean arrives at the podium
and goes after Bernie Mac)
Sean: Forgive my compromise sense of humor but I did
wanna answer our roaster's question about how old Mr.
Eastwood is. He is exactly as old as the timelessness
of his work.
(Bernie is quite uncomfortable, fixes his tie)
Bernie: It was a joke, Sean Penn.
Sean: What wasn't a joke was Hillary Swank's training
and dedication that made her performance not only
believable but unforgettable.
Clint Eastwood: Hey, kid relax here. It's just a
(Sean loooks him dead in his eye, serious as a hell)
Sean: Our next roaster, George Carlin, has been doing
comedy for some long...
Shucky Ducky: How long has....
Sean: So long that when he walks into a club the
younger comics say, "Thank you, you have been an
inspiration to us." George Carlin.
(Sean leaves podium, sits, George already mic on hand
struts up to the podium)
George Carlin: A lot of people talking about Clint
Eastwood...making movies "Go ahead, make my day" How
would he make you a day? I can make you a sandwich but
I can't make you a day. "You want lettuce with that
day?" (long pause)Names-a lot of people talking about
names...(another pause)What kind of a name is Clint?
"Hi. I'm Clint" What's your wife's name? "Brunch!"
Hey, Clint I got a name for you...Douchebag! Have a nice
(Applause, George leaves podium, Sean gets up
Sean: I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.
Our next presenter was in the film Shangai Knights
with Jackie Chan. I saw that movie and let me tell
you, there's 2 hours of my life that I'll cherish
forever. Thank you. Owen Wilson. (Sean leaves, Owen
Owen Wilson: Hey, what's going on? How is it going
Clint? Celebrity Roast Clint Eastwood, there's no
reason this shouldn't be fun. Anyway, like Bernie Mac
was saying Clint, you're old man. You're old. Clint's
face is so wrinkly that when I walked in the room and
I saw you I said "Who dressed my ball sack in a
tuxedo?"(Clint spits his drink and laughs, close up on
Sean Penn's face fuming)It's weird, man. It's weird.
What's going on with Dirty Harry? I have to say I was
a little dissapointed when I found out the movie was
about a police officer. Back in Texas we all know what
a Dirty Harry is. That's when you take a girl home and
you(Bleep, while Owen points to his upper lip under
his horrendous nose)...and you leave her cab
fare.(Owen pats a smiling Clint in the back, close up
on Sean's face his lower lip is quivering)Now if
you'll excuse me they want me to shave Bea Arthur's
(Close up on Bea's face, she frowns and signal no with
her finger, holds a drink. Owen leaves, Sean steps up
Sean: Please forgive my clinical absence of joy but
maybe I missed what this roast was all about.
Bernie Mac: Damn skippy! Damn skippy!
Shucky Ducky: You got that right!
Larry the cable guy: For Christ sakes!! You were
(Sean looks at Larry with hate in his eyes)
Sean: Did anyone prepare something nice to say about
this man? Anyone? Rita Rudner?
Rita Rudner: This roast is as enjoyable as the time I
tried to make love to my husband during the Super
(Sean is losing it)
Sean: B-Ball and Roscoe?
B-Ball and Roscoe: Um, Sorry we mostly have fart
jokes. Pfffffftttt!!!!(Through puppet)"Excuse me!"
Sean: Shucky Ducky?
Shucky Ducky: Shucky Ducky! Quack!Quack!Hahaha!!
(Sean closes his eyes trying to control his anger)
Sean: I'll take that as a "no". Please join me next
week when I will be entertaining our troops in Irak
with Tim Robbins, Jeanene Garofalo and Michael Moore.
Good night. And how dare you!
(Fanfare music and the event's logo appears again with
the officially depressed Sean Penn's face on it)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel