Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14








04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

Stunt Double

Vin Diesel.....Horatio Sanz
.....David Spade
Director.....Srth Meyers
Chrissy.....Amy Poehler
Assistant.....Rachel Dratch

[ open on tight shot, Vin Diesel and David Spade standing on a ledge ]

Vin Dielsel: All right. We got 15 seconds to climb this building before a wrecking crew knocks it down.

David Spade: How do I let you talk me into these things?

Vin Dielsel: I'll swing in and grab the Stavros Diamond. You dismantle the explosives.

David Spade: I should have gone to Law school.

Vin Dielsel: Let's do this.

David Spade: [ points ] Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!

Director: And cut! [ enters scene now revealed as a movie set ] Whoo! Fantastic work, Vin Diesel. I can tell why you make the big money. David spade, good.

David Spade: Hey, Paul, listen. That zippity doo-dah line sound natural to you?

Director: As natural as the day I wrote it.

David Spade: Ah, right. Yeah, you wrote it. We're executing your vision.

Director: So we're coming up to the wrecking ball shot, why don't you guys take a break and, David, I'll call in your stunt double. Chris?

[ a shorter woman dressed exactly like David, complete with moustache, enters the set ]

Chrissy: Yeah, hey. Hey, how you doin', David.

David Spade: Hi.

Director: How you doing, Chris?

Chrissy: [ to David ] I guess I'm gonna be taking a wrecking ball for you today.

David Spade: Hey, nice to meet you. Hey, Paul, can I talk to you?

Director: Yeah, sure.

David Spade: Is it weird that my stunt double's a chick?

Director: Well, David, she is a perfect physical match. And she's a pro.

Chrissy: Yeah, David, let me reassure you, I've had a lot of experience. You know, I was a stunt double on "war of the worlds," with Dakota Fanning. And I've done both the Olsen twins.

David Spade: Yeah, me, too. What? I'm kidding.

Chrissy: I've doubled guys before. You know that Aaron Carter basketball video? That's me dunking those basketballs.

Vin Dielsel: Really? I thought that was Aaron Carter.

Chrissy: Thank you, Vin Diesel. Don't worry, David, I'll make you look good.

David Spade: Yeah.

Vin Dielsel: I do all my stunts.

David Spade: Yeah, great. Who does your acting?

Vin Dielsel: I do.

Director: All right, guys, we're ready for you. So, David, you'll say your line, then we'll cut to Vin. Chrissy, you jump in and you take the wrecking ball. All right.

[ Assistant enters shot with clap board in hand ]

Assistant: "Lethal Blood: Curse of the Stavros Diamond 2, Revenge of the Diamonds," scene 316, take one. [ exits scene ]

Director: Action!

[ close-up of movie scene on ledge ]

Vin Dielsel: I'll get the Diamond. You dismantle the explosives.

David Spade: I should have gone to Law school.

Vin Dielsel: Let's do this!

David Spade: [ points ] Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!

Director: Cut to Vin!

[ closer shot of just Vin Diesel ]

Vin Dielsel: Look out!

[ zoom out on wider shot to reveal Chrissy next to Vin, as the wrecking ball bounces off her side ]

Chrissy: No! Yikes. Ow! [ stumbles and falls ]

Director: And, cut! Yes!

Chrissy: Felt good.

Director: That was awesome, Chrissy! Great work.

David Spade: Hey, Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy. Can I have a word with you?

Director: Absolutely.

David Spade: Are we going to loop that scream, dude? I mean, sounded totally girlie to me.

Director: Okay, I didn't notice. But, Chrissy, Chrissy, um.. we need a little less on the scream, all right?

Chrissy: Okay, okay. So not the way you told me David would do it?

Director: What's that? [ laughs nervously ] Let's just do it again.

Chrissy: Okay. I'm going to try some new stuff, Paul.

Director: All right, have at it.

David Spade: Hey, Paul, can I play around with that "zippity doo-dah" Line a little bit?

Director: Absolutely not.

[ Assistant enters shot with clap board in hand ]

Assistant: "Lethal Blood, the Curse of the Stavros Diamond 2: Revenge of the Diamonds," Scene 316, take two. [ exits scene ]

Director: Action!

[ close-up of movie scene on ledge ]

Vin Dielsel: Let's do this!

David Spade: Zippity doo-dah, mother humpers!

[ closer shot of just Vin Diesel ]

Vin Dielsel: Look out!

[ zoom out on wider shot to reveal Chrissy next to Vin, as she jumps onto the wrecking ball ]

Chrissy: Oh! Whee-ee-ee-ee!!! [ swings on wrecking ball with legs outstretched ] Hooray! I'm David Spade! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Director: [ jumps into the scene, excited ] Yes! Yes! That my friend, is a trailer moment.

Chrissy: All right. I'm going to take a break to regroup, Paul.

Director: Best in the biz, Chrissy.

David Spade: Dude, dude, that is not how I'd act at all!

Director: Really? It kinda is. I mean, look, that was hilarious, and you are the comic relief in this movie.

David Spade: Paul, she's got a camel toe, all right? I don't want people thinking I got a camel toe! I got enough problems with them confusing me for the dude from "Queer Eye."

Director: Carson? I love Carson. You know, he turned your part down.

Vin Dielsel: That's why I do all my own stunts. You know, in "The Chronicles of Riddick," I fought fire monsters.

David Spade: Yes, I know, Vin. We all read that in "Who Cares?" Magazine.

Vin Dielsel: What? [ ambles away ]

Director: I love that I get to work with that guy! He's good. David, do you want to do the stunt yourself?

David Spade: Look, I would, but, I told you -- in "Joe Dirt," this extra dropped a big bottle of Pepsi on my foot, and then my toenail turned black and I gave up stunts from then on, you know?

Director: All right, you know what, fine. Let's just take a break. Chrissy needs a few minutes to nurse her baby, anyway. So --

[ David walks over to Chrissy, who holds up a baby up to her bosum ]

David Spade: Hey, who's this little guy?

Chrissy: oh. Jake.

David Spade: Jake have a daddy? Or can anyone apply for the job?

Chrissy: Are you hitting on me?

David Spade: [ considers the question ] I think I am. Seeing a female double of myself nursing a baby has given me an unexpected chub.

Chrissy: Let me tell you the same thing I told Elijah Wood: Yes. I'll meet you in your trailer in fifteen minutes.

David Spade: Nice. [ points to the camera ] Zippity doo dah, mother humpers! [ exits a quick stage right ]

[ fade ]


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