Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14








04n: David Spade / Jack Johnson

The UPS Guy

UPS Guy.....David Spade
Receptionist.....Rachel Dratch
Cleaning Women.....Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey
FedEx Guy.....Seth Meyers

[ open on exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: "Monday" ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is on the phone as the UPS guy enters with a package ]

UPS Guy: Hey, Erica.

Receptionist: Oh, hey. How are ya'?

UPS Guy: Ah, pretty good. You guys got anything going out today?

Receptionist: Um.. [ looks ] Nope.

UPS Guy: Okay. Well.. [ puts the box on the counter, taps it nervously ] That's for you. Have a good one.

Receptionist: You, too.

[ UPS Guy exits, Receptionist returns to her work ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: "Tuesday" ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is scribbling on some documents as the UPS guy enters with a package ]

UPS Guy: Hey, Erica!

Receptionist: Oh! Hey. How are ya'?

UPS Guy: Ah, you know, just.. working. [ chuckles nervously ]

Receptionist: Yeah. [ returns a nervous laugh ]

UPS Guy: Yeah. Hey, you guys got anything going out today?

Receptionist: Um.. [ looks ] No. Not today.

UPS Guy: Okay. [ turns to leave, notices magazine on reception desk ] Hey! Time Magazine - smart lady.

Receptionist: Oh.. that's not mine. Someone just left it out here.

UPS Guy: Oh. Right on, right on. [ laughs nervously ]

[ Receptionist coughs ]

UPS Guy: Hey! Bless you!

Receptionist: Oh, I.. just coughed.

UPS Guy: Oh. Okay. Well.. bless - bless you, anyway.

Receptionist: Oh. Thanks. Bye bye.

[ UPS Guy exits, Receptionist returns to her work ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: "Wednesday" ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is ending a phone call as the UPS guy enters with a package ]

UPS Guy: Hey, Erica.

Receptionist: Oh. Hi.

UPS Guy: Hey, uh.. anything going out today?

Receptionist: Um.. [ looks ] Nope.

UPS Guy: Uh, that's cool. Here you go. [ drops the package on the reception desk, turns to leave, then stops to make his move ] Hey, uh.. Erica. Um.. I was, uh.. thinking about - maybe.. I don't know. Maybe one time after work, we can cruise out, maybe have a drink, or dinner, or whatever. Maybe a movie?

Receptionist: Oh. Uh.. I'm sorry, no. Uh.. I'm not really interested, but.. thank you.

UPS Guy: [ caught off guard, but trying to maintain his composure ] Oh, no, that's.. totally cool. You know.. can't.. hurt to ask, right? [ chuckles nervously ] Okay. Have a good one.

Receptionist: You, too.

[ UPS Guy exits awkwardly, as the Receptionist returns to her work ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: "Thursday" ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is typing on the computer as the UPS guy enters with a package and a giggle in his voice ]

UPS Guy: Hey, Erica!

Receptionist: Oh. Hello.

UPS Guy: Anything today.

Uh.. [ instinctively ] Nope.

UPS Guy: Cool, cool, cool. [ starts to turn to leave ] Hey, real quick - it's not because I'm the UPS guy, is it?

Receptionist: [ defensive ] What? No! Of course not.

UPS Guy: Oh! Okay, cool! Ain't no thing but a chicken wing! [ grimaces, wishing he hadn't said that ]

Receptionist: Oh! [ notices oversized box sitting on her desk ] Hey! I forgot - we do have something going out today. I forgot.

UPS Guy: Oh. Oh! Okay. Well.. put me to work, are ya'?

[ they share the laugh, as the UPS Guy attempts to lift the oversized box ]

UPS Guy: Aargh. Christ! What do you got in here, bricks? [ laughs ] I'm kidding. It's not too bad.

[ phone rings ]

Receptionist: [ answers phone ] Hello, may I help you?

UPS Guy: [ as he stumbles across the room ] What's that? Are you.. are -- [ sees she's on the phone ] Oh.

[ UPS Guy stumbles out of the office, as the Receptionist returns to her phone call ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: "Friday" ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is scribbling on some documents as the UPS guy enters wearing a back brace ]

UPS Guy: Hey, Erica. Anything going out today.

Receptionist: Nope.

UPS Guy: [ to the point ] Hey, just so you know - I'm not always gonna be the UPS guy.

Receptionist: Oh. Okay. Cool. [ chuckles pensively ]

UPS Guy: 'Cause.. I'll tell you what, I've got this.. kick-ass idea for a video game.

Receptionist: Oh. That's, uh.. really great.

UPS Guy: And it's a billion-dollar industry - if you can get in. [ chuckles ] Can I tell you my idea for the video game? [ serious ] I'll tell you, only if you swear to GOD in Heaven on a stack of Bibles you will NOT tell another soul in this world!

Receptionist: Uh.. I'm not so comfortable with that.

UPS Guy: Ah, I'll tell ya', anyway. Uh.. it's the main character, right? He is, uh.. he's a guy that has to deliver all these packages, see? And, then, there's these levels, kind of like an office builoding. And, when you get to the end of the game, you have to kill this woman.

[ Receptionist shakes her head in abrupt fear ]

UPS Guy: Anyway, that's it. Have a good day. [ exits quickly ]

Receptionist: [ in total shock ] Yeah.. you, too.

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: "Saturday" ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Cleaning Woman is vacuuming around the reception desk ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: "Sunday" ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Three cleaning women are lounging on the receptionist desk spraying cleanser, smoking cigarettes and dancing to Patti Labelle's "Lady Marmalade" ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: "Monday" ]

[ dissolve to interior, reception desk. Receptionist is holding hands with the FedEx Guy, as the UPS Guy enters ]



UPS Guy: He-e-ey.. [ surprised ] Hey, Erica.. [ sees the FedEx Guy ] Oh. You.

FedEx Guy: Ha! UPS! No wonder I got here first!

UPS Guy: Erica, how could you?

Receptionist: Well.. for starters - my name is MARY!

UPS Guy: Hah.

Receptionist: And I've been dating the FedEx guy for a while, and I just didn't know how to tell you. I-I-I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable.

UPS Guy: Hey. Listen. No, no, it's totally cool, I mean.. you two guys are together. Whatever. I don't know. I thought you were nice. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Receptionist: Okay. so, no hard feelings? [ offers her hand for a handshake ]

UPS Guy: [ shakes her hand ] Come on, are you kidding? No hard feelings, of course! [ gives the thumbs-up to the FedEx Guy as he exits ]

[ Receptionist continues to hold hands with the FedEx Guy ]

[ dissolve to exterior, prop office building at 802 address ]

[ SUPER: "Tuesday" ]

[ an explosion sounds, as the prop building bursts into flames from many angles ]

[ fade ]


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