Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

March 19th, 2005

Ashton Kutcher

Gwen Stefani

None

Demi Moore

Eve

Hardball
Summary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) tackles the subject of steroid use in Major League Baseball.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Mark McGwire, Zell Miller.


Ashton Kutcher's Monologue
Summary: Ashton Kutcher doesn't understand what's the big deal about him dating an older woman, so he pulls Demi Moore (in heavily-accented old lady make-up) up to the stage so they can speak glowingly of their strange relationship.

First Hosted: 02r.


Me-Harmony
Summary: The proven online matchmaking service finds their clients' exact opposite sex match.

Note: Repeat from 04l.


Oprah
Summary: Oprah (Maya Rudolph) pays more attention to actor John Travolta (Darrell Hammond) than to fire victim (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, John Travolta, Julia Roberts.

Transcript


Push-Ups
Summary: Two years later, a nerdy guy (Ashton Kutcher) still feels humiliated by an incident involving the water cooler at his office. Determined to save face, he's devised a scheme where he can demonstrate his strength by performing 45 push-ups. He struggles to convince his co-workers (Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Horatio Sanz) that office push-up contests are the new fad in Denver, but they easily best him in the competition, making him feel more and more foolish.


Federline
Summary: Kevin Federline (Ashton Kutcher) has started his own underwear line behind his wife Britney Spears' back.

Transcript


Gays in Space
Summary: Brought back for Episode 2, the gay space crew crash lands on a strange planet.

Recurring Characters: Space Creature, Billiam, Gavindy, Thad.


Gwen Stefani with Eve performs "Rich Girl"
Eve First Performed: 00q.

Lyrics


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Tina and Amy do a horrible fake interview with Robert Blake footage. Consumer advocate Henry Payne (Kenan Thompson) puts the pain on a store clerk (Ashton Kutcher). Chris Parnell's Demi Moore rap evolves into a desire to have sex with Ashton Kutcher.

Transcript


Southern Baptist Church
Summary: A white minister (Ashton Kutcher) receives an unwelcomed reception at a black Baptist church.

Transcript


Action 13 News
Summary: Perky news anchor Busy Martinez (Amy Poehler) is gaga for her hunky new co-anchor, Darren Stark (Ashton Kutcher), which fuels resentment in jilted weatherman Barry Shirtsworth (Seth Meyers).

Transcript


Gwen Stefani performs "Hollaback Girl"
Bio: Gwen Stefani (1969-). Singer; former lead singer of No Doubt.

Also Performed: 06h.

Cameos: 00q.

Lyrics


Nebulzitol
Summary: Woman (Amy Poehler) uses product to keep her husband (Will Forte) focused on her instead of March Madness and other sports events.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mysterious Phenomena
Summary: A would-be psychic's (Fred Armisen) predictions for the future consistently turn out to be wrong.


Record Deal
Summary: Wanna-be musicians *Maya Rdolph, Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell) try to secure a record deal.


Pep Rally
Summary: A high school cheerleader (Amy Poehler) performs nasty cheers with the help of the school mascot (Ashton Kutcher).


Pulled Over
Summary: After the driver (Ashton Kutcher) is pulled over, his passenger (Seth Meyers) tries to sweet talk the police out of giving them a ticket.


Bear City
Summary: A bear hails a taxi cab.


Restraining Order
Summary: In a short film by Scott Wainio, a man (Scott Wainio) receives a restraining order.


Dinner Table
Summary: A couple (Ashton Kutcher, Amy Poehler) are separated at a dinner party when the man is firced to sit on the same side of the table as the invited nerds.


Bear City
Summary: A group of pairs chase the Easter Bunny.



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