Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15






04o: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani

Southern Baptist Church

Rev. Willie....Finesse Mitchell
Deacon Brown....Kenan Thompson
Sister Ophelia....Maya Rudolph
Brian McKay....Ashton Kutcher

[Opens with an outside shot of a Baptist church. Cut to the inside of it. A choir is on high gear singing hymns to the congregation. They are wearing golden robes.]

Choir: [singing] I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME!....TO ME JESUS IS REAL!....I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME!

[Hymn ends. Applause. Rev. Willie walks to the podium. He wears a suit, has grey head of hair, grey mustache and beard. He pats with a handkerchief the corner of his mouth and forehead from time to time]

Rev. Willie: Yes, yes, yes. Can I get an Amen?!

All: AMEN!

Rev. Willie: Yes. Now we all know our pastor along with all the other pastors in the region are down in that southern baptist convention down in Orlando, Florida.

All: AMEN!

[Deacon Brown wears a suit, is almost bald with white hair. He sits next to Ophelia. She wears a southern dress with a matching hat]

Deacon Brown: Sounds like a free trip to Disney World. Guess there wasn't no money in the budget to take nobody else, huh? I like roller coasters!

Rev. Willie: Ok, Deacon Brown. Ok, now. I'm sure we all could enjoy some sunny weather.

Sister Ophilia: Yes.

Rev. Willie: Some beautiful palm trees...

Sister Ophilia: Tell it, deacon.

Rev. Willie: Young folks having fun....

Sister Ophilia: Amen!

Deacon Brown: Yeah, open invites to fornication. He, he, he...

Sister Ophilia: Huh-uh!

Rev. Willie: Deacon Brown!

Deacon Brown: What?! That's what they'll be doing in Florida.[to the congregation] Am I right? Am I right? I'm wrong?

Rev. Willie: Now, but the pastor would not leave his flock without a shepard. He has left us in good hands today. Please welcome our special guest, Mr. Brian McKay.

[A shy white guy in a suit approaches the podium. Deacon Brown gets up and puts his hands up]

Deacon Brown: Oh, damn! The feds done found me! Well, I'm gonna tell you right now! I spent the money!

Rev. Willie: Deacon, put your hands down.

Deacon Brown: Hey, if I'm going down, you're going down, Willie!

Rev. Willie: Charlie, please now. That happened 20 years ago. This man is the guest preacher.

Deacon Brown: Oh, what money? Oh, what am I talking about? I'm sick. [sits down]

Brian McKay: [into the mic] All right. Hello, everybody. Church. I'm Brian McKay. Umm...

Sister Ophilia: Brian who? He don't look like no preacher.

Rev. Willie: Now, sister Ophelia, now let's give Mr. McKay a chance. [covers mic] Brian, what church are you from?

Brian McKay: Well, I am, uh, a rector for the First Unitarian Church in Wellesly Massachusetts.

Rev. Willie: The what?

Deacon Brown: Will y'all stop chit-chatting and get to the preachin'! Man, the game coming on at 3:00 now.

Rev. Willie: Do it.[sits]

Brian McKay: [into the mic]All right, all right. Uh, you folks look lovely tonight. I would like to begin today's services with a reading from Galatians 4:22.[reading a card]"For it is written that Abraham had 2 sons. One by a slave and one by a free woman...."

All: [offended] No, no, no....

[Rev. Willie gets up and covers the mic]

Rev. Willie: Ok, wait a minute now. Ok, now. That's not gonna work in a black church.

Brian McKay: Are you sure? I thought I had them there.

Rev. Willie: No, no you didn't. And I'm pretty sure you lost them when you said "slave". I see now I'm gonna have to walk you through this.

Brian McKay: Uh, yeah. You're probably right.

Rev. Willie: Ok, ok. All right. Say "I want to talk about the Lord".

Brian McKay: [into the mic]"I want to talk about the Lord".

Rev. Willie: Say it louder!

Brian McKay: Louder? "I want to talk about the Lord!"

Sister Ophilia: Well, talk about him then.

Rev. Willie: Say you love him.

Brian McKay: I love the Lord!

[Organ plays a sharp note]

Rev. Willie: Say it like you mean it!

Brian McKay: Well, that was something. I said "I love the LORD!"

[Organ plays another note]

Brian McKay: Wow, that was really nice.

Rev. Willie: Now, has the Lord been good to you?

Brian McKay: Well, I can't complain. I have a beautiful apartment in Nantucket.

Rev. Willie: No, no, no. Don't say that to me. Ask them that!

Brian McKay: Oh, right, right.[into the mic]Has the Lord been GOOD TO YOU!!

Deacon Brown: Yes, he has. Yes, he has.

Brian McKay: This is...[takes the mic into his hand]I'm starting to feel something. I really am here!

Rev. Willie: Now say, "The Lord is great!"

Brian McKay: THE LORD IS GREAT!

All: THAT'S RIGHT!

Rev. Willie: "I don't think y'all heard me."

Brian McKay: "I DON'T THINK Y'ALL HEARD ME!!!"

Rev. Willie: Now kid, act like you're dancing on hot coals.

[Rev. Willie makes large steps. Brian does the same]

Brian McKay: I said "THE LORD IS GR-R-R-R-REAT!

Sister Ophilia: Like Tony the Tiger!

[Music plays and the choir comes alive]

Rev. Willie: You're working it now.

Brian McKay: Well...

Rev. Willie: Yeah, like that.[gives Brian the handkerchief, Brian pat his forehead] Now, you're wanna jump up and down and you wanna say "Hallelujah".

Brian McKay: Like this? [jumps up and down]

Rev. Willie: Yeah!

Brian McKay: HALLELUJAH!!!

[The congregation gets up and cheers, they also clap to the rhythm of the music]

Brian McKay: Look, they're all standing!

Rev. Willie: Now, this would be a good time to take a collection.

Brian McKay: THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TAKE A COLLECTION!!!

[Crowd sits, music stops]

Rev. Willie: Never mind.

Brian McKay: NEVER MIND!

All: Yes!

[Crowd gets up, music resumes]

Brian McKay: I don't know about you but I feel go-o-o-o-od!!

Rev. Willie: All right, you're on your own now.[sits]

[Brian is really getting into it, moving about with confidence]

Brian McKay: I said, I said, are we feeling good church?! I, I, I feel good, sister!!

Sister Ophilia: Oh, preach! Light skin, preach!

Brian McKay: Uh, I will! I feel good, Deacon![Deacon makes fists and grunts in approval. Brian turns to the choir] I feel go-o-o-o-ood, choir!![Congregation cheers] I'm feelin' it!, I'm feelin' it!, I'm feelin' it! This church ain't big enough for me![Brian does a split on the floor, gets up] I GOTTA PREACH TO THE WHOLE WORLD!!![Brian runs like a maniac and jumps through a stained glass window. Silence]

Sister Ophilia: The spirit ain't never made me jump through no window.

Deacon Brown: Man, you know, I seen that same thing in the movie The Exorcist.

Rev. Willie: [shocked]Well, uh, I don't know. Dear Lord, let's pray for that boy. I don't---spirit....oh.

[Brian walks back into the church out of breath]

Sister Ophilia: He's back.[faints]

Brian McKay: Now, is it time to take the collection?

Deacon Brown: [gets up, puts hand in pocket]Hells, yeah! That boy is good! Now, pull your money out!

Rev. Willie: Yeah, give it up cause we're gonna need to fix that stained glass window. Take us home, choir!

Choir: [sing] JESUS IS REAL! I KNOW THE LORD IS REAL TO ME.....

[Choir keeps singing. Rev. Willie passes the collection basket and Brian keeps dancing with the Holy Spirit in him]

[Cheers and applause]

[fade]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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