Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 9th, 2005

Cameron Diaz

Green Day

None

Phil Hyms

Jimmy Fallon

Justin Timberlake

Drew Barrymore

Papal Debate '05
Summary: Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) moderates a dull debate of sleeping Cardinals vying to be Pope John Paul II's successor. The debate comes alive only with the help of obscene hand gestures from Cardinal Dejakamo (Fred Armisen) and the usual antics of the Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, Al Sharpton.

Note: Technical gaffes abound, as none of superimposed name tags match the Cardinal being represented on the screen.


Cameron Diaz's Monologue
Summary: Cameron Diaz tries to prove that she was an ugly duckling in high school, but her horrid photo can't compete with those of Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Tina Fey.

First Hosted: 98a.

Transcript


Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Summary: Shirtless Ty (Seth Meyers) and the gang perform an extreme makeover in a home where the matriarch (Cameron Diaz) is dying of a disease so debilitating that her excited husband (Chris Parnell) won't even reveal it to her.


TV Funhouse
Summary: Rob Smigel's spoof of Hanna-Barbera cartoons has Michael Jackson in trouble again, so his lawyers and acquaintances perform damage control by dressing him in special glasses that make any woman look like Emannuel Lewis during his early "Webster" days.


The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Summary: Barry (Jimmy Fallon) and Robin Gibb (Justi Timberlake) discuss more political issues with Nancy Pelosi (Cameron Diaz), Ann Coulter (Drew Barrymore), and Gov. Bill Richardson (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb, Ann Coulter.

Note: Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore make a guest appearance following the release of their film "Fever Pitch". Justin Timberlake appears because he's dating Cameron Diaz.

Transcript


The Holland Tunnel Hotel
Summary: The new manager (Chris Parnell) of a one-star hotel desperately wants to impress the Hotel Review Commissioner (Darrell Hammond), so he calls his staff (Horatio Sanz, Cameron Diaz, Finesse Mitchell, Fred Armisen) together for a meeting, only to find they're all moonlighting as prostitutes at the hotel.

Transcript


Green Day performs "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
First Performed: 94g.

Lyrics


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Via satellite, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler interview newlyweds Prince Charles (Seth Meyers) and Camilla Parker-Bowles (Fred Armisen), who require a London Tower guard (Rob Riggle) to keep them from making out in public. In a Weekend Update Dramatic Play, former anchor Jimmy Fallon shows up to cash in on visitation rights for the young child he has with Tina, and attempts awkward banter with his successor, Amy.

Recurring Characters: Prince Charles, Camilla Parker Bowles.

Transcript


Woo! The Musical
Summary: The new Broadway musical captures the magic and splendor that is Spring Break.

Note: More technical gaffes, as the pixellation effect comes on late and clearly reveals that Cameron Diaz is wearing a flesh-colored bra.

Transcript


The Sofabed
Summary: After purchasing a new sofabed for her sixth floor apartment, a trendy woman (Cameron Diaz) must contend with two lazy movers (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell) at the furniture store.


Green Day performs "Holiday"
Lyrics


Spy Glass
Summary: Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler) dish the dirt on Charles and Camilla, "Desperate Hotwives" and other hot topics of the moment.

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Gene Shalit.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Living Will
Summary: A woman (Cameron Diaz) films her living will, but her husband (Will Forte) is more interested in watching a different show on television.


Ballroom Dancing
Summary: A ballroom dance instructor (Maya Rudolph) teaches strange moves to her class.


The Falconer
Summary: While arguing about whose fate is rougher, a lightning bolt causes the Falconer (Will Forte) and Donald to switch bodies.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer, Donald.

Note: This sketch will later air in the episode hosted by Tom Brady.


Bachelorette Party
Summary: During her bachelorette party, a bride-to-be (Cameron Diaz) is hit on by a gadfly (Seth Meyers) at the bar.


Bear City
Summary: A bear embarks on a shopping quest.


Bill Kurtis Sings
Summary: Bill Kurtis (Darrell Hammond) hits the studio to record an album dedicated to songs about gruesome murders.



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