Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 16









04p: Cameron Diaz / Green Day

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

Barry Gibb.....Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb.....Justin Timberlake
Nancy Pelosi.....Cameron Diaz
Anne Coulter.....Drew Barrymore
Gov. Bill Richardson.....Horatio Sanz

[Opens with SUPER of “The Barry Gibb Talk Show” with Robin and Barry dancing on the set, backs to the audience.]

Announcer: It’s the “Barry Gibb Talk Show”!

Barry & Robin Gibb: [turn and sing falsetto to the tune of “Nights on Broadway”] Heeeere we are….

Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are…

Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing]… in a room full of straaaaangers…

Announcer: Minority leader, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi [SUPER of the real Nancy Pelosi]

Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing] …discussin’ politics…

Announcer: Governor of New Mexico, Bill Richardson. [SUPER of the real Gov. Bill Richardson]

Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing] … and the issues of the daaaa-aaaay…

Announcer: Conservative columnist and author of “How to Talk to a Liberal”…

Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] Well I want to taaaaaalk to you…

Announcer: …Anne Coulter. [SUPER of the real Anne Coulter]

Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] …though you may not want me to…

Announcer: And as always…

Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] I’m still gonna taaaaalk to you…

Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin.

Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] I don’t care what you saaaay…

[Gibbs begin dancing as disco ball descends]

Talkin’ it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin’ ‘bout issues
Talkin’ ‘bout real important issues

Talkin’ it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
Checkin’ out politics
In this crazy, crazy to-own oh yeah!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Barry Gibb!

Barry Gibb: [speaks staccato throughout the sketch] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We've got a great show for you tonight. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I'm not gonna take any crap from anybody! [A beat] The President continues to push his Social Security plan despite overwhelming opposition. Robin, do you have any opinion on Social Securitah?

Robin Gibb: No... No I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Nancy Pelosi you have been [goes up an octave] one of the most outspoken opponents of President Bush’s plan. Why-y?

Nancy Pelosi: Because America cannot afford Presidents Bush gambling our future on the stock market. It’s almost as if he’s trying to turn the entire country into Republicans!

Barry Gibb: Huh, that’s an interesting point.

Nancy Pelosi: Thank you Barry, I think it’s important.

Barry Gibb: [becoming agitated] Wait, what did you just call me?

Nancy Pelosi: Barry!

Barry Gibb: [infuriated] YOU WILL NOT CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME!! IT IS MR. GIBB TO YOU! YOU WILL SHOW ME SOME RESPECT BECAUSE I HAVE EARNED IT!! I HAVE 13 GOLD RECORDS [up an octave] AND NONE OF THEM WENT PLATINUM! [a beat] Robin do you have anything to add?

[pause]

Robin Gibb: No… no I don’t…

Barry Gibb: No you don’t huh?

Robin Gibb: Mm-mmm.

Barry Gibb: Anne Coulter. You’ve accused Liberals of hating America. [Up an octave] You said that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote. You must have some strong opinions on Social Securitaah.

[Huge applause for Barrymore]

Anne Coulter: Thank you for having me. Thank you. In response to your question, Mr. Gibb, that’s exactly the kind of vicious Liberal slander that the left wing media…

Barry Gibb: [interrupting] Ah, ah, ah be-before you go any further can I just ask a question? What is wrong with your face? You look like a rubber glove stretched over a skeleton!

Anne Coulter: [aghast] Oh! Typical liberal bias!

Barry Gibb: [infuriated] DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! DO I LOOK LIKE BILL MAHER TO YOU?? I am from the streets of Queensland, Australia!! I once gave a kangaroo a [up and octave] heart attack just by staring at it! Robin was there!!

[pause]

Barry Gibb: Do you remember that? Robin? Do you remember that… happenin?

Robin Gibb: No… No I don’t.

Barry Gibb: No you don’t… Let’s sing the next guest's name.

Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing] Governor Bill Richardsooon. Richardson of New Mexico!

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: Yeah!

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: [Up an octave] Yeah!

Gov. Bill Richardson: That’s a- That’s really great. First, uh, Barry, let me say that my wife and I are big fans and, uh, every time you guys come to New Mexico, we are there. I mean, we really get into it.

Barry Gibb: Oh every time we’re there that’s so wonderful… [Escalating rage] Considering we haven’t been to New Mexico in 12 FRIGGIN’YEARS!! DON’T YOU PATRONISE ME! I AM BARRY GIBB! [does karate kick and nearly loses his balance] I WILL TAKE OUT MY BOOIE KNIFE AND GUT YOU LIKE A FI-I-I-AH-HE-ISH!

Barry & Robin Gibb: [Harmonising] I’LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! I’LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH YEAH! I’LL PUT YOU IN THE GROUND!! YEAH, ME AND MY BROTHER GONNA PUT YOU IN THE GROUND YEAH!

Robin Gibb: Yeah!

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: [Up an octave] Yeah!

Barry & Robin Gibb: Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!

Barry Gibb: Well that’s all the time we have. We… have… been…

Barry & Robin Gibb: [begin singing theme song and dancing as disco ball descends]

Talkin’ it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin’ ‘bout chest hair!
Talkin’ ‘bout crazy cool medallions!

Talkin’ it up
On the Barry Gibb Talk Show!

[Robin kicks over chair]

Talkin’ ‘bout ha-na-ha
Ha-ha-ha oh yeah!

[Barry, Robin and guests all dance. “The Barry Gibb Talk Show” SUPER appears]

[fade]


Submitted by: Johanna Hunt


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