Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

April 16th, 2005

Tom Brady

Beck

None

Martin Short

John Lutz

JB Smoove

Jason Sudeikis

A Message From Congressman Tom Delay
Summary: Majority Leader Tom Delay (Chris Parnell) explains how he'll use any means necessary -- including cinematic violence -- to ensure full backing on the President's agenda.

Transcript


Tom Brady's Monologue
Summary: Even though cast members Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Seth Meyers, Finesse Mitchell and Amy Poehler attempt to stop him, Tom Brady performs a musical number to show off the diversity of his talents.

Bio: Tom Brady (1977-). Athlete; quarterback for the New England Patriots; the youngest starting quarterback ever to win the Super Bowl, twice as its most valuable player; together, Brady and the Patriots have won three Super Bowls since 2002.


Dr. Porkenheimer's Boner Juice
Summary: The potent juice can keep a man sexually-active for up to four hours.

Note: Repeat from 10/02/04.


Touchdown
Summary: While at the carnival, Alan (Tom Brady) is obsessed with throwing a football into a hole and winning a teddy bear for his wife (Maya Rudolph). Naturally, everyone else -- from a gay couple (Seth Meyers, Fred Armisen) to an arthritic old lady (Amy Poehler) in a wheelchair -- can do it with one throw.

Transcript


Dr. Phil
Summary: The topic is Emotional Intelligence, as Dr. Phil (Darrell Hammond) interviews married couple Jamie (Rachel Dratch) and Ken (Tom Brady). Ken's cluelessness in identifying Jamie's feelings ultimately baffles Dr. Phil.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Phil.

Transcript


The Falconer
Summary: The Falconer (Will Forte) is arguing with Donald about whose fate is rougher, since Donald can eat all his favorite treats in the woods but The Falconer doesn't have access to Snickers bars. A bolt of lightning causes them to switch bodies. Now in Donald's body, The Falconer desperately searches for the antidote, especially when a drifter (Tom Brady) passes through the woods with a backpack full of Snickers he has no use for.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer, Donald.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Hilary Swank and Cameron Diaz.


TV Funhouse
Summary: Rog Smigel's live-action film for General Electric, "Sexual Harassment And You", demonstrates that female employees Lisa (Amy Poehler) and Tina (Tina Fey) will accept physical advancements from handsome co-worker Greg (Tom Brady) over unattractive co-worker Frank (Fred Armisen).

Transcript


Tom Brady's Falafel City
Summary: Tom Brady joins the ranks of Derek Jeter, Al Sharpton, and Donald Trump by opening his own themed restaurant franchise and becoming an executive MBA in the New Jersey area.

Recurring Characters: Dennis DeYoung.

Transcript


Beck performs "E-Pro"
Note: Beck becomes a five-time musical guest tonight.

First Performed: 96j.

Lyrics


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Celebrity interviewer Jiminy Glick (Martin Short) announces the latest volume of his Best Of DVD set, which scrapes the bottom of the barrel of his many interviews and features an excerpt of his 1975 interview with SNL's producer, Lorne Michaels (Will Forte).

Transcript


Kaitlin
Summary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) is excited to be a member of her Uncle Scott's (Tom Brady) wedding party, until Uncle confides to Rick (Horatio Sanz) that's he having second thoughts about giving up the single life.

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.


Behind The Music: The Super Bowl Shuffle
Summary: VH-1 takes a look back at the 1985 Chicago Bears, who found extra fame as a one-hit wonder rap group who couldn't duplicate its success.

Transcript


Beck performs "Girl"
Lyrics


The Oak Room
Summary: Alcoholic Miss Charli Coffee (Maya Rudolph) experiences pratfalls while performing awkwardly onstage.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the episodes hosted by Queen Latifah.


Why Brady?
Summary: While wandering backstage, Tom Brady runs into Peyton Manning (Seth Meyers) and Donovan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother (Kenan Thompson), who would all like to know why Tom was chosen to host SNL over the other two football stars.

Recurring Characters: Donovan McNabb, Donovan McNabb's Mother.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Jasper the Parrot II
Summary: Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) and her giant parrot, Jasper (Fred Armisen), invite a date (Tom Brady) and his giant pigeon (Maya Rudolph) over for lunch.

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.


The Office
Summary: The boss' (Chris Parnell) wife (Amy Poehler) has an affair with one of his employees (Tom Brady).


Bear City
Summary: A bear works in a video rental store.


Auction
Summary: Three men (Will Forte, Tom Brady, Chris Parnell) hold an auction to determine which one is better than the other two.



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