Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 17

04q: Tom Brady / Beck

Tom Brady's Falafel City

....Tom Brady
Dennis DeYoung....Horatio Sanz
Genie Singer 1....Amy Poehler
Genie Singer 2....Seth Meyers
Genie Singer 3....Maya Rudolph
Genie Singer 4....Kenan Thompson

[Opens with Tom Brady dressed as a middle eastern sultan with a turban, black vest, red belt, orange pants]

Tom Brady: Sim, Sim, Saladin, folks! I'm Tom Brady and ever since I was a kid I've had one dream and one dream only--to open up a restaurant selling high quality middle eastern cuisine at discount prices. Sure, winning all those Super Bowls was fine but take it from me, nothing compares to serving up a lamb kabob platter with all the fixings for just $4.59. [Tom is given a plate, he smells it]Mmmm-mmm.[gives plate back]So, what do you got to lose? Come on down to Tom Brady's Falafel City.

[4 singers dressed as genies appear in front of Tom. They sing and dance while he's in middle dancing happily]

All:[sing] Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ganush! Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ganush! ba, ba, ba,ba, ba ganush! Ba,ba,ba ba, ba ganush!

Singer:[sing] At Tom Brady's Falafel City, yeah Tom Brady's Falafel City!

All:[sing] So grab yourself a pita, fill it full of meat at Falafel City, ba,ba Tom Brady Falafel City!

[Singers leave]

Tom Brady: I'll be honest with you folks. I was sick and tired of people coming up and asking me "Hey, Tom. Where I can get a good falafel sandwich in the south plain field New Jersey area?" So sick and tired that I converted an old veterinarian's office into north central New Jersey's finest low-cost, high volume, middle eastern eatery. How about a juicy shawarma sandwich just for $2.59?

[Tom is given the sandwich. He smells it, is kind of disgusted, throws it back]

[The 4 genie singers appear]

All:[sing]Ba,ba,ba,ba,ba ganush! Ba,ba,ba,ba,ba ganush! Ba,ba,ba,ba,ba ganush!

Singer 1:[sing] At Tom Brady Falafel City!

All:[sing]We'll get you feeling awful, grab yourself a falafel, at Falafel City, ba,ba Tom Brady Falafel City!

[Genie singers leave]

Tom Brady:[holds curved knives] Tom Brady Falafel City is without a doubt one of the top 5 NFL quarterback owned and operated middle eastern restaurants in all of the south plain field area. Don't believe me? Just ask my occasional tennis doubles partner former Styx front man Dennis De Young.

[Dennis appears, does a lame robot]

Dennis De Young: Domo Arigato Mr. Tom Brady! Hey! I'm Dennis De Young. Tom Brady has the best middle eastern food around. Not that I'd know anything about that. No, crippling food allergies prevent me from going anywhere near middle eastern foods of any kind. Just the smell of hummus can cause to break out in weeping sores all up and down my thighs. Trust me it can get pretty gruesome. But I'm not alone. Thousands of Americans are battling debilitating food allergies daily. That's why Tom Brady generously agreed to donate 50 cents of every dollar to "The Dennis De Young House". A charity I started to help me build a house.

Tom Brady: I didn't agree to anything.

[Apparently Tom skipped his lines]

Dennis De Young: So I can live in it. All right, let's do this.[Horatio looks up to Tom. Cracks up]

Tom Brady: I did not. That was not the house.[cracks up]

Dennis De Young: All right. Maybe you didn't. Aahhh but that's great.[cracking up] All right, we'll see you next Saturday, we got an 8:00 court time, right?

Tom Brady: Yup.

Dennis De Young:[sings] You're Tom Bra-a-ady!!! You sell discount falafels!!! [laughs]

Tom Brady: So next time you see yourself in the south plain field New Jersey area go to Tom Brady Falafel City! Open Says-a-,me!

[Genie singers appear]

All:[sing] There's no burgers, fries or weenies just tabbouleh and tahini, Falafel City ba,ba Tom Brady Falafel City!

[Map to Tom Brady's Falafel City]

Announcer: Tom Brady Falafel City off route 14 in the strip mall behind Derek Jeter's Taco Hole. Right between Donald Trump's House of Wings and Al Sharpton's Casa de Sushi. Al Sharpton's Casa de Sushi---now serving Thai food.

[cheers and applause]

[scene fades]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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