Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 17
Touchdown
Written by: Joe Kelly & Jason Sudeikis
Alan….Tom Brady
Kurt….Rob Riggle
Alan’s Wife….Maya Rudolph
Kurt’s Wife….Rachel Dratch
Earl….Will Forte
Carnie….Chris Parnell
Gay guy 1….Seth Meyers
Gay Guy 2….Fred Armisen
Old lady in a wheelchair….Amy Poehler
Alan’s Wife: This is going to be fun, isn’t it?
Kurt: Heck yeah! Carnivals are great! What do you say Alan?
Alan: Hey, if I’m eating funnel cake, you know I’m having fun.
Kurt’s Wife: What do you guys want to do first?
Alan: I’m getting my ass another funnel cake.
Alan’s Wife: Sweetie, pace yourself. Let’s go on a couple of rides first like the screaming barrels!
Kurt: Yeah! That’s awesome!
Kurt’s Wife: Oh, I can’t. Remember? [shows her pregnant belly]
Kurt: Oh, yeah. The damn baby.
Kurt’s Wife: Well, you guys go ahead. Its ok.
Alan’s Wife: No, no, no. Let’s do something together.
Alan: Let’s get funnel cakes.
Alan’s Wife: Alan, seriously. Chill out.
Kurt: Hey, I know. Let’s play some of this games.
Alan’s Wife: Yeah, that would be fun!
Earl: Step right up! Make a touchdown, win a bear! Only $5 a throw.
Kurt’s Wife: Oh, sweetie. Will you win me a bear, please?
Kurt: Sure, sure. I’ll take one of those cause that is all I’m gonna need. Ah,haha. [pays Earl, picks football up] [Kurt throws and scores through the hole]
Earl: Touchdown!
Kurt: Yeah! Whoo!
Alan: Man!
Kurt: There you go, sweetie.
Alan’s Wife: Oh, I want a bear.
Alan: All right. Coming right up.[pays up, grabs football] I’ll take one of those. And if you don’t mind I’ll throw from the men’s tees.[walks farther back to throw]
Kurt: Ooh.
[Alan throws and misses the hole]Earl: Not a touchdown!
Alan: Darn it!
Kurt: Hey, hey. No biggie, chief. Just shake it off.
Alan: All right. Here’s another five.[pays Earl, grabs football. Throws from closer]
Alan’s Wife: Oh, you can do it, honey. Come on.
[Alan throws and misses the hole]Earl: Not a touchdown!
Alan: Are you kidding me?!
Kurt’s Wife: My turn, my turn!
[Kurt’s wife pregnant and all steps up and throws the football underhand in a girlie, non athletic, dorky way and scores.]Earl: Touchdown!
[They all laugh except Alan. Kurt’s wife gets another pink bear]Kurt: That was awesome!
Alan’s Wife: This is a hoot! Let me try.[steps up and picks football]
Alan: Careful, honey. Its a lot harder than it looks.
[Alan’s wife throws and scores]Alan’s Wife: Ok. Oh, hells yeah!
Earl: Touchdown!
Kurt: What a shot!
Alan’s Wife: Ug! That’s how you do it! Ah, give me that bear!
[Earl gives Alan’s wife her pink bear]Alan: All right. Here’s $15 dollars. Give me 3 balls. [pays] [Alan throws the football, misses]
Earl: Not a touchdown!
[Alan throws, misses]Earl: Not a touchdown!
[Alan throws, misses]Earl: Not a touchdown!
[Alan throws, misses]Earl: Far from a touchdown!
Alan: Dang it!
Kurt: Hey, hey, hey. No big deal, all right?
Kurt’s Wife: Yeah, why don’t we just go do something else?
Alan’s Wife: Yeah, Alan. You can have my bear.
Alan: I don’t want your damn bear! I want my own bear.
Kurt: Hey, hey. Its just a game, right?
Alan:[menacingly] Back off, Kurt.
Earl: Step right up! Throw a touchdown, win a bear!
[Two gay guys step up to Earl]Gay Guy 2: So, what’s this? What is this?
Gay Guy 1: This is football, silly.
Gay Guy 2: What do I do here?
Gay Guy 1: You throw that in there and win me a bear.
Gay Guy 2: I want a bear too.
Gay Guy 1: Ok, lets do it together,
Gay Guy 2: Ok.
[Both gay guys throw their respective footballs and both score. They jump up and down very happy]Gay Guy 1 & 2: Yay!
Earl: Touchdown!
[Earl gives them each a pink bear]Gay Guy 1: That was the easiest thing ever![leaves] [An old lady in a motorized wheelchair steps up to Earl]
Old Lady: Hey! Whoo! Hey, Earl. One please. Ok.
[Old lady throws the football like a hook shot without even looking, she scores] [Earl gives her the pink bear but she takes off]Old Lady: Whoo! Keep it.
Alan: Here’s 100 bucks! Keep ’em coming. [pays, footballs are lined up in front of him]
Alan’s Wife: Alan, Alan, this is getting really expensive!
[Alan throws, misses]Earl: Not a touchdown!
Alan: Damn!
Alan’s Wife: Honey, why don’t we get some funnel cake?
Alan: No funnel cakes! Bear!
[Alan throws, misses]Earl: Not a touchdown!
Alan: Unbelievable!
Kurt’s Wife: Hey, hey, um, maybe you should try it, like, underhand?
Alan: Maybe you should shut up!
Kurt: Hey, hey, hey.
Earl: Not a cool move.
Alan: You stay out of it!
[Alan throws, misses]Earl: Not a touchdown!
Alan: Stop saying that!
Earl: Stop missing.
Alan: Say one more thing and the next one’s coming at your head!
Earl: I could not be less worried.
Alan: All right. That’s it.
[Alan throws, misses]Earl: Not even close!
[Alan throws, misses]Earl: Not even close!
[Alan throws, misses]Earl: Worse than the previous two!
Alan: I can’t hit anything!
[Alan turns to another game and throws the football knocking down some pins]Carnie: Haaaa!! We have a winner! The gentleman gets himself a pretty new doll.
[Carnie gives Alan a little doll]Alan’s Wife: Hey, look at that.
Kurt’s Wife: Hey, there you go.
Alan: Damn right! None of you won a doll! I won a doll.
Alan’s Wife: Yes you did, baby. Now, let’s go get some funnel cake.
Alan: Make it two. One for me and one for Miss Penelope here.
[The foursome walk away] [Cheers and applause] [fade]Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
