Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 7th, 2005

Johnny Knoxville

System of a Down


Paula Abdul

Lorne Michaels

Sophie Michaels

Don Pardo

Patti Forte

Leo Allen

Eric Slovin

Primetime Live
Summary: Paula Abdul introduces a re-enactment of the "American Idol" expose, in which she (Amy Poehler) makes come-ons to various contestants.

Bio: Paula Abdul (1962-). Singer; former cheerleader for the L.A. Lakers; married to Emilio Estevez, 1992-94; talent judge on "American Idol", since 2002.

Recurring Characters: Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, Justin Guarini.


Note: Don Pardo can be heard clearing his throat at the top of the montage.

Note: Writer Jason Sudeikis joins the cast as a featured player.

Johnny Knoxville's Monologue
Summary: Johnny Knoxville shows "Jackass" style video footage of his week at SNL, in which he is repeatedly smacked around by cast and crew members.

Bio: Johnny Knoxville (1971-). Comedian; longtime star of M-TV's "Jackass" series; at one time, auditioned to join the cast of "Saturday Night Live".


Mom Jeans
Summary: The shapely fit that says you're a mom, not a woman.

Note: Repeat from 02s.

Sally & Dan Harrison: The Couple That Should Be Divorced
Summary: Married couple Sally (Amy Poehler) & Harrison Dan (Seth Meyers) find every excuse to pick fights and insult one another during a dinner party with close friends.

Note: By their next appearance, The Harrisons would be renamed The Needlers.


Domino's Pizza Promo
Summary: While dressed as a slice of cheeseburger pizza, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) improvises a commercial promo for Domino's Pizza.

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.


Summary: In Calabria, Italy, Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) wishes a Happy Mother's Day to her mom (Rachel Dratch). The uneventful proceedings are then interrupted by Elton John (Horatio Sanz) and fiance (Johnny Knoxville).

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.

Channel 5 Late Night Movie
Summary: In "Visitors From Another Planet", a captured farmboy (Will Forte) is tricked into being anally-probed by the alien fleet (Chris Parnell, Kenan Thompson, Johnny Knoxville).


System of a Down performs "B.Y.O.B."
Bio: Politically-active metal band; members: Daron Malakian, Shavo Odadjian, Serj Tankian, John Dolmayan.

Note: Despite the network's censoring of expletives during the song, guitarist Daron Malakian slips past a scream of "Fuck, yeah!" toward the end.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Will Forte wishes his mother, Patti Forte, a happy mother's Day with a little ditty called "I'm Gonna Miss You When You're Dead." Dead comic Richie B. (Fred Armisen) performs more racist jokes to offend his interpretor Marcus (Kenan Thompson). Tina and Amy sing a peppy jingle for Bobos sneakers. Tina and Amy pay tribute to the life of Weekend Update founding editor Herb Sargent.

Bio: Patti Forte. Writer/artist.


Mother's Day Brunch
Summary: Three strange tales set at a Mother's Day brunch - two sons (Seth Meyers, Jason Sudeikis) dine with their mother (Rachel Dratch) and sex-change-in-progress father (Johnny Knoxville; a grandma (Maya Rudolph) who doesn't recognize her grandsons (Kenan Thompson, Finesse Mitchell); and a young couple (Amy Poehler, Rob Riggle) who think their new baby is the msot wonderful thing in the world. Enduring all this is the unlucky waiter (Chris Parnell) who has to work on Mother's Day.


Helping Hands Telethon
Summary: A shady televangelist's (Johnny Knoxville) hopes to swindle contributions from viewers is thwarted by the panicky cries of "Oh, no!" by phone operator Andy (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Andy.


Merv the Perv
Summary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) and his cousin, Irv (Johny Knoxville) make their lewd come-ons to women shoppingat Victoria's Secrets.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

System of a Down performs "Aerials"

Action News
Summary: The Action News desk features an overabundant news team, everything from a budget gourmet (Finesse Mitchell) to a possible arsonist (Chris Parnell) alluded to in the night's top story.


Bear City
Summary: T. Sean Shannon film documents another day in the life of Bear City. This time, a Bear's wife calls him home from the bar, and his pals make fun of him after he sulks home with his tail between his legs.


Todd Foxworthy: You Might Be A Gay Redneck, If..
Summary: The stand-up routine of Jeff Foxworthy's gay half-brother, Todd Foxworthy (Johnny Knoxville), takes the redneck jokes one step further.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mexican Fiesta
Summary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.

Jasper the Parrot II
Summary: Phoebe (Rachel Dratch) and her giant parrot, Jasper (Fred Armisen), invite a date (Johnny Knoxville) and his giant pigeon (Maya Rudolph) over for lunch.

Recurring Characters: Phoebe.

Johnny Rebel
Summary: Even with his fast motorcycle, Jonny Rebel (Johnny Knoxville) can't run away from a persistent woman (Rachel Dratch).

The Urine Sampler
Summary: Crime scene investigator (Johnny Knoxville) solves mysteries by tasting the victim's urine.

Bear City
Summary: A bear hails a taxi cab.

SNL Transcripts