Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 18







04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Mother's Day Brunch

Jeremy's Brother.....Seth Meyers
Curt's Wife.....Rachel Dratch
Jeremy.....Jason Sudeikis
Tom.....Chris Parnell
Diquonte.....Kenan Thompson
Grandmother.....Maya Rudolph
Kyle.....Finesse Mitchell
Young Father.....Rob Riggle
Young Mother.....Amy Poehler
Curt/Tiffany.....Johnny Knoxville

[open on restaurant exterior with awning: "Ferraro's"]

[dissolve to a table in restaurant interior with seated woman wearing a patterned magenta blouse as two young men approach]

Jeremy's Brother: Hey, happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Curt's Wife: Oh, hi, boys.

Jeremy's Brother: Hi. [kisses her on the cheek]

Jeremy: Hey, we got you these. [hands her a bouquet of flowers]

Curt's Wife: Oh, thank you. They're beautiful!

[the young men sit]

Jeremy's Brother: So, where's Dad?

Curt's Wife: Uh, he's in the bathroom, fixing his hair. [to a passing waiter] Oh, can I have a mimosa, please? And, um, hold the orange juice and instead of champagne, make it a scotch.

Tom: Yes, ma'am.

[pan to second table with older woman and two young men]

Diquonte: Grandma, this is you special day. Order anything you like.

Grandmother: Oh, that's very nice of you, but I don't want to fill up because I am having lunch with my grandsons later.

Kyle: Grandma, we're your grandsons.

Grandmother: No, I don't think so. My grandsons are very handsome.

[pan to third table with young couple and swaddled baby]

Young Father: Happy first Mother's Day, mommy!

Young Mother: [holding the baby] Happy first Mother's Day to you, daddy!

[both make "a-buh-buh-buh" sounds towards the baby]

Tom: [approaching the table] Hi, my name is Tom; I'll be your waiter today.

Young Mother: Oh, Tom, look at our baby. Isn't he cute?

Tom: He sure is.

Young Father: It's his first trip to a restaurant!

Young Mother: Oh, my God, it's the first time I've been out of the house in seven months.

Young Father: Hey, you're his first waiter!

Young Mother: Oh, my God, first waiter! Get a picture!

Young Father: Yeah, yeah, yeah! [gets out a camera]

Young Mother: [handing the baby to Tom] Support his head. Support his neck! Support his neck!

[dissolve to first table]

Curt's Wife: Oh, here comes your father.

Jeremy's Brother: Hey, Dad.

Jeremy: Dad!

[their father enters the frame; he has shoulder-length crimped hair and is wearing a fuschia dress and a necklace while clutching a pink purse]

Tiffany: Boys, I told you, you don't have to call me that. It's Tiffany. Hi, honey. [kisses his wife on the cheek]

Jeremy's Brother: [as his father kisses him on the cheek] Yeah, I'm not gonna call you that.

Jeremy: [as his father kisses him on the cheek] Hey, Tiffany, I got a question. Which bathroom did you use?

Jeremy's Brother: Jeremy!

Tiffany: No, no, that's fine. That's a perfectly normal question, and I want to answer them. I'm using the men's room right now, because I still have my penis. But, as you know, in a few weeks, I'll be undergoing a procedure where my surgeon will flay my penis open and fold it into a vagina. [his wife sits stoically while he describes this]

Jeremy: Aw, that's awesome!

Jeremy's Brother: Awesome, really?

Jeremy: Yep.

Jeremy's Brother: Well, uh, happy Mother's Day to both of you, I guess.

Tiffany: Oh, oh, no, no, this is your mother's day. I don't want to steal her thunder. [conspiratorially to his wife] But I would like that silk top.

Curt's Wife: [strainedly] Curt!

Tiffany: It's Tiffany.

Curt's Wife: I'm not calling you Tiffany.

Jeremy's Brother: Well, we got you both a card. So, there you go. [hands a card to his mother]

Curt's Wife: Oh, look. It's a little kitty hanging on a tree, and it says, "Sorry for you loss."

Jeremy's Brother: Yeah, it's not really a Mother's Day card, but it seemed appropriate.

Jeremy: And we got this for you, Tiff. [hands a card to his father]

Tiffany: Oh! "Happy Mother's Day. Dear Father/Mother, As you make this transition, one thing is true. No matter what's in your panties, we'll always love you."

Jeremy's Brother: Yeah, I couldn't believe they make a card that specific, but apparently they do.

Tiffany: That's so thoughtful. [begins crying and dabbing his eyes with a cloth napkin] I'm sorry; it's just the hormones. [voice suddenly becomes very gruff and masculine as he pounds his fists on the table] They're wreaking havoc on my body!

Curt's Wife: [looking from side to side] Where is my scotch?

[dissolve to second table]

Tom: Have you decided?

Kyle: Uh, yes. I'll have the goat-cheese omelette, please.

Diquonte: Yeah, I think I'll have the Dutch apple pancakes.

Grandmother: Psst! Psst! [waves Tom to lean in to her] If these two boys try to put all that food on my check, call the police, because I don't know them.

Diquonte: Grandma, it's me, Diquonte.

Kyle: And me, Kyle.

Diquonte: We're your grandsons, remember? We picked you up at your house.

Grandmother: If you're really my grandsons, answer me this: What is my name?

Diquonte: Grandma?

Grandmother: Ooh, y'all are good.

[dissolve to first table]

Tiffany: [setting his hands on either side of his chest] So I went with a C cup, because I didn't want them too big. Go ahead, test them out. Give them a squeeze.

Jeremy's Brother: No thanks, Dad.

Jeremy: I'll try it. [reaches over and begins fondling his father's breasts as his mother puts her hand over her face in shame] Oh, yeah, those are great, Tiffany. High and hard, way to play them. Mom, have you felt these puppies?

Curt's Wife: No. No, I haven't. No.

[dissolve to third table]

Tom: Are you ready to order?

Young Mother: Um, yes. We are... [begins talking in baby talk voice] Yes we are! Mommy will have eggsy-weggsy and two fistfulls of Cheerios and some juicy!

Young Father: [also in baby talk voice] Oh, and Daddy wants the Caesar's salad with some chicky-chicky-chicky-chicky!

Tom: Very good sir.

Young Father: [in normal voice] Uh, let me ask you this. Uh, your booberry muffins, are they num-num.

Tom: Yes, they're very good, sir.

Young Father: All right, we'll have this many. [holds up two fingers]

[dissolve to first table]

Jeremy's Brother: So, uh, so, what's new with you, Mom.

Curt's Wife: Oh, nothing.

Tiffany: That's not true! Tell them your exciting news.

Curt's Wife: There's no news.

Tiffany: We've been invited to appear on Oprah.

Curt's Wife: We're not going.

Tiffany: We're thinking about it.

Jeremy: Oh, that's great, Tiffany! You gotta do it!

Jeremy's Brother: Hey, Jeremy? Why don't you just admit you're kissing up to Dad because you're flunking out of law school.

Tiffany: What?

Jeremy: Dad, I'm a professional video game player trapped inside of a lawyer's body.

[Jeremy's brother groans disgustedly and rolls his eyes and head towards the ceiling]

Tiffany: Oh, baby, I know your pain. [puts a hand on Jeremy's shoulder]

Curt's Wife: [tapping her hand on the table impatiently] Are the waiters serving the drinks different from the regular waiters?

[dissolve to second table]

Grandmother: [holding a photograph] See, now, this is a picture of me with my two grandsons, and they're with some lady.

Kyle: Grandma, that's you!

Diquonte: And us!

Grandmother: I don't think so, because these people are black.

[Diquonte shakes his head while Kyle turns away dejectedly]

[dissolve to third table]

Young Father: I wuv you, Mommy!

Young Mother: I love you, too, Daddy! [to baby] Hello! Hello! Oooooh! [baby begins to projectile vomit on her]

Young Father: Oh, yay! [both applaud] Somebody made barfy!

Young Mother: Get the camera!

Young Father: I got it, I got it!

Young Mother: Get the camera!

Young Father: I got it!

[young mother smiles while vomit drips down her entire face]

[voice over with title: "Happy Mother's Day"]

[pan to Tom, juggling trays of food and order slips]

[voice over with new title: "to all the waiters who have to work brunch tomorrow"]

Voice Over: Waiters have moms, too, y'all.

[fade to black]


Submitted by: DavidK93


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