Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Helping Hands Telethon

Helping Hands Host.....Johnny Knoxville
Andy.....Will Forte
Helping Hands Director.....Jason Sudeikis
Funtown Trio.....Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Rachel Dratch

(Open in studio full of operators taking calls and behind them the logo of Helping Hands which is two hands shaking, one hand white the other black)

Helping Hands Host: Welcome back! Ha,Ha. We're having a great time here at the 6th annual Helping Hands Telethon. We've been at it 36 hours and folks we want you to keep calling in and sending in your donations. You know, I've met some many courageous people in my life's journey (Helping Hands logo and number appear on the screen 1-800-555-0199) since we've been doing this.

(Andy picks up the phone)

Andy: Helping Hands.

Helping Hands Host: (continues) Just amazing, inspirational folks.

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) People who just wanted to share their stories and talk and speak.

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) And when people communicate, when we put down the Starbucks coffee and the TV remote - we're all winners.

Andy: OHH!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) Over the years --

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) -- we've raised thousands of dollars and we've got to keep raising that money, and we've got to keep reaching in Helping Hands.

Andy: (yells) Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) Recently, I met a courageous young woman from Marietta --

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) -- Georgia, and she shared a story with me that just blew me away.

Andy: (quick) Oh no!

Helping Hands Host: Excuse me. (slightly anonoyed, walks over to Andy) Andy, is there a problem?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Have they made a donation?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Are they gonna make a donation?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Then, I need you to hang up that phone. (Andy slams the telephone down hard with both hands) Ha, ha! Because we want to keep those lines open for all of you generous folks out there. Our goal for this season is $10,000 dollars.

Andy: (picks up the phone) Helping Hands. Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) And you know what? Our friends at the Home Depot (looks over his shoulder at Andy) are gonna match us dollar for dollar in store credit for all the money we raise.

Andy: (yells) Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (more angry now, turns to Andy) Andy, will you please do me a favor and hang up that phone! (Andy slams the phone down) Thank you. I'm gonna have to ask you not to answer your phone again. (Andy makes a face of frustration and disappointment) And I'm gonna ask you (points at the viewer at home, while Andy touches and caresses the phone) to welcome to the stage The Funtown Trio. Well, all right.

(Enter the trio, in the middle a man plays the guitar and two others sing, host stands behind Andy)

Funtown Trio: (Singing)
"Just yesterday, they let me know you were gone
Suzanne, the plans they made for you put an end to you."

(Andy's phone rings loud over the music. Andy has an intense, confused look on his face, worried about picking up or letting it ring.)

Funtown Trio: (continues)
"I walked out this morning, and I wrote you this song."

Helping Hands Host: (angry) Andy, will you answer your phone!

Andy: Hellooooohhh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! (host interrupts the trio)

Helping Hands Host: Hey! Thank you, Funtown Trio. Thank you very much. Okay, folks, we're gonna take a quick break!

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Host: (continues) And we'll be right back. So get those stories ready.

Andy: Oh, no!

Helping Hands Director: And we're clear. (Host turns to Andy mad as hell)

Helping Hands Host: Andy, what is your problem, you stupid idiot!

Helping Hands Director: Sorry, now we're clear.

Helping Hands Host: Oh, great! You know it's bad enough I have to do this stupid telethon I don't even believe in.

Helping Hands Director: Oops! I'm sorry. We're clear now. It's my bad. My bad.

Helping Hands Host: Andy, why is your ringer so loud? Did you turn up your ringer?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Are you telling the truth?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Andy, you have to help me out here and be quiet, okay? (Andy nods with head yes) Are you gonna make any more disturbances?

Andy: No.

Helping Hands Host: Good.

Helping Hands Director: We're back in.. 3.. 2.. (points at host)

Helping Hands Host: Ladies and gentlemen --

Andy: (Yells) Oh, no!

Helping hands Host: (loses it) That's it, hang up your phone! (Every operator in the room slams their phones down hard) I just meant Andy. That is it, you are fired!! You're out of here!!

Andy: Oh, no!

(Host gets very close to Andy and points at his phone)

Helping Hands Host: If you say "Oh, no!" one more time, I'm gonna take that phone and stick it up your ass!

Andy: Oh, no!

(Host rips off the phone and chases Andy all over the studio)

Helping Hands Host: That's it. Come here, come here!

(Fanfare music)

Announcer: We'll be right back with the 6th annual Helping Hands Telethon. (beat) Maybe.

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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